19 Weeks!

We're at 19 weeks today!  I feel like my belly popped a little bit, but it's nothing like I thought it would be.  I keep telling people I just feel like I look as though I way over-ate at Thanksgiving or something.  This was Saturday so it's 18 weeks 5 days.  And again, hello to my giant arse.  And a dirty mirror.  My bad.  So you see just above my pant line my little bump.  It's probably easier to see sans-clothes but that just seemed too complicated.  Kate = Lazy.  Kate Pregnant = OMG LAZIEST HUMAN ALIVE.

I'm feeling baby flutters a lot more often and it's pretty fun/crazy/fun.  It's still really hard to believe there's a PERSON inside my BELLY and it's MOVING and kicking me.  In addition, it has a WIENER.  I realize I've said all these things before but I'm baffled at all of it.

My appetite has gradually been coming back though I'm still getting full really easily.  I refuse to weigh myself at home so we won't know if I've gained any weight until my next OB appointment on March 5th.  I would guess I'll have gained 3-5 pounds, but Matt says my face is constantly looking skinnier and he thinks I'm still losing weight.  Who knows and, as long as my doctor isn't worried about it, who really cares, right?  I'll be a whale by the end no matter what happens!

I have amassed a little collection of very cute little boy clothes.  There was a super sale on Zulilly.com and they had some really awesome outfits and onsies that fit my NO character clothes, NO cutesy animals rules.  I got a lot onsies with stripes and dots in cute colors and patterns and one ADORABLE outfit with jeans and a plaid shirt under a polo-type thing.  It's my favorite outfit so far, for sure. 

I also found an awesome deal on an Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper on Craig's list.  The family that had it lived just up the street from us and kept it in great condition.  It should allow me to keep the baby close by without having to have him IN bed with us but I can still just reach over and slide him to me to nurse.  I'm very excited about the co-sleeper and the price.  Yay Craig's List.

We also started the process of cleaning out the junk room upstairs so we can move the guest room to the smaller room and start setting up the nursery in the bigger room.  I figured since we don't have a loft or playroom we might as well utilize the bigger available bedroom to attempt to make it a play room as well.  I think I'm closer to deciding on colors and a theme for the nursery.  When I do I'll post my inspiration board here and you can all give me your opinions!

So there's the update!  Feeling great, no complaints whatsoever.  Still wish I was showing a bit more but I should really stop saying that because I know it will happen soon enough and then I'll be wishing it were all over.  Ah the joys.

The BIG Ultrasound

Well, it's officially OFFICIAL.  It's a boy, there's no doubt about it.  All the necessary parts are there in all their glory.  I'm getting more excited but can I just say that it's SO WEIRD to be growing man parts?  It seems like some sort of nature fake out.  A girl can grow a boy?  What?

The ultrasound this morning was awesome.  The tech was FANTASTIC and took a lot of time explaining everything she was doing and she said she sees nothing amiss or out of place or concerning and that as far as she can tell, he's perfect.  The doctor will take a look at the ultrasound pictures and do some more measurements to make sure she's right but I'm confident that we're in the clear and he's developing as expected.  He wasn't as wiggly this morning as he has been in other ultrasounds but the tech said that was normal as they start to get bigger.  He was, of course, all curled up with his legs crossed and knees up near his face making it difficult for us to see his man parts for a while, but we poked at him a bit and he finally gave in and showed us the goods.  It was so fun to see his little feet and hands wiggling around and all his anatomy working together to grow and keep him alive.  It really is amazing to be able to see all of that stuff.  Technology is SO cool!

I'm still feeling great and finally have a small semblance of a bump.  It really looks more like I ate a huge Thanksgiving dinner and it's easy to hide so I don't think anyone can tell still but maybe that's just my opinion.  People have told me that I look like I'm losing weight but I'm eating more this week so I'm sure the gain will start soon.  I have noticed that I'm more tired in the second trimester than I was in the first but my guess is that's due to the lack of sleep from puppy patrol and not to the pregnancy. 

Yesterday I felt what I knew was movement for the first time.  It was after lunch and I think he must like sweet potato fries because he was rocking out.  It was CUHRAZY feeling.  It's still hard to believe that there's a living being growing INSIDE of me and now I can feel it moving around and it will only get more intense.  I doubt it's something I'll ever get used to.

So there's the update.  I'm 18 weeks four days, same due date!  I'll scan some ultrasound pictures when I get home and try to upload them and I'll also try to get a bump shot.  The fun continues!

Schmebenteen Weeks

Holy moses, we've made it to 17 weeks!!

There's not much new to report.  I'm starting to feel some tightness in my abdomen and when I lay on my stomach it definitely feels like there's a foreign entity in there but baby still hasn't decided to make an appearance so still no belly shots.  It's all the same, has been since the beginning.  Maybe I'm carrying in my butt?  There's plenty of room in there so I wouldn't be surprised.  I've had a few twinges of what I assume is round ligament stretching pain and that's a bit uncomfortable but nothing horrific.  I sometimes think I'm feeling little flutters but I have serious doubts about them being real.  Maybe one out of every twenty

My appetite is still about the same.  I don't eat as much, portion wise, and figuring out what sounds good is still a bit of a battle but as always, once it's in my mouth everything tastes great.  I have been eating a ton of Mexican food lately but I think it's more out of ease than an actual craving.  Everything tastes better in a tortilla, says me, and that's been a constant in my life.  One of these days I'm going to make a ton of homemade tortillas if I can only figure out how to roll things into a circle...

Clothes, rings, shoes all still fit just fine.  There are a few pairs of pants that are on the higher rise side that are a wee bit uncomfortable but honestly, I'm pretty sure that's due to the pre-baby weight gain and not baby itself since this little sucker has pulled almost eleven pounds off me so far and, as I mentioned, isn't sticking out at all.

Working out is still happening often.  I love my new pregnancy workout DVD and have another one I'm planning to order.  I haven't been as diligent because that sweet puppy of ours REFUSES TO SLEEP so I spend a lot of mornings trying to catch up on the sleep I didn't get the night before rather than working out.  Hopefully soon that changes so I can get back to every day.  I am walking at least forty minutes a day though, so that's good.  I feel great despite the lack of sleep and really have no complaints there.

I went online to register last night.  Boy is that yucky.  And let's be honest, they just don't make cute boy or gender neutral stuff.  I want a nice swing but do my options HAVE to be either cows or pink flowers?  Can't we do something a little bright and colorful and somewhat fun?  Even the boppy covers are hideous if you're not having a girl.  Wah-wah.  The stuff I end up really liking always ends up being the MOST expensive, like the Baby Bjorn bouncy seat which is apparently made of PURE PLATINUM because if not, they are ripping us all off, folks.  I'm going to try to brave Target and Buy Buy Baby later on next week.  Hopefully I have better luck.  At this point all I'm really registered for is a ton of Aden & Anais swaddling blankets.  Those are all I'll need, right? 

I'm in Florida for a few days doing some personal assistant work as a side-job/favor for a friend of mine.  It's BEAUTIFUL here and, extra bonus, I got to see my amazing friend Angie from high school.  After almost seven years of infertility and a horrible adoption experience she just randomly got pregnant and has the CUTEST little girl named June.  I was so excited to meet her and spend some time catching up.  My timing was perfect because their little family is moving to San Francisco at the end of the month, so another couple of weeks and I would have missed them!

So that's that.  We have our "big" ultrasound in a week and we'll see if this little guy is really a little guy and get a bunch of measurements.  It's funny how I was so anxious to find out the gender as early as possible but haven't done much about it since I found out.  Maybe I'm still hoping the ultrasound was playing a trick?  Yeah, probably.

So there you have it.  Week 17 in all it's boring glory.  I'm sure next week will be really similar.  Party on.

Apple Tree Growing a Banana

Well, we had our 16 week ultrasound and everything looks perfect...and baby has a wiener.  What?!?!?!  Craziness I tell you.  I have officially announced the pregnancy to the world and so I will now publish all my ramblings from the last three months.

It's all very exciting and scary and weird and awesome and...yeah.  I think my mind was convinced I would never get to this point so processing the fact that we're actually going to be parents is a little odd, but I love it and I can't wait to meet our little guy.

Below you will find all the posts leading up to today.  Some are a bit repetitive and some are kind of depressing...sorry about that!

I remember reading somewhere that our subconcious minds can sometimes have "anniversary reactions" to traumatic things in our past.  People will sometimes have complete melt downs out of the blue and then realize it was ten years to the day since a loved one died or other such things.  I think my brain does that.

This Saturday, January 28th, is the anniversary of our first due date.  Honestly, it's not a date I think about much anymore, given all that's happened, but I do remember it if I think about it.  I haven't thought about it much for the past month though.

As I've mentioned, my younger sister is pregnant and is due on March 13th.  As many of you can imagine, the timing of her pregnancy has been difficult for me - and for her, quite honestly, so it's been a several month struggle for our whole family as we try to figure out how to be happy for one and sad for the other all at the same time.  Anyway, some girls from church and I are throwing her a shower and it happens to be on the 28th.  As I was sending out invites I kept trying to figure out why it felt like I was supposed to be doing something that day...but I couldn't think of anything.  Then this morning, strangely enough as I was going to the bathroom, it all hit me.

Saturday should be my baby's first birthday.

Within moments I was crying as all of the emotions from all the miscarriages hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was suddenly taken back to the first one and the pain of the cramping, the second one and the visit to the ER and the last one and having to walk in the doors of the abortion clinic.  Even as time goes by and my thoughts are focused on other things, when I really think about what happened the pain is as real and as horrible as it was the day of each trauma.

I think somewhere inside of me I thought that if I were to get to the point in a pregnancy where I knew almost certainly that we'd carry to term, all these feelings would go away and now I realize they are something I will carry with me my entire life.  I will always be missing three babies who I had for just a little while.  Those due dates will probably always be hard.  I guess in a way it's a good thing, to never forget the hard things we go through and learn and grow from them...but I just never really expected the pain to be so very...painful...as time went on.

2nd Trimester, Day 1

I made it to 14 weeks!  I just need to get past this week and I can probably start getting excited.  I just had my check-up with my OB and, despite waiting an hour every single time I go to that office, I LOVE HER.

There had been a mix up with my last name in her office (the first time I saw her years ago I still had my maiden name on all my insurance information) so they hadn't put my NT scan results in the right file, but once we got it sorted out she expressed frustration that the office where I had the scan hadn't called her directly to tell her about the bleed they found.  She scheduled me for an extra ultrasound in two weeks so make sure it's healed itself and everything is going fine.  I am so relieved that she's willing to do this for me AND it means we'll probably get a peek at the sex of the baby four weeks early!  WOOT! 

We had a good chat about me stopping my progesterone (thank goodness) and she recommended that I do the screening for cystic fibrosis in two weeks when I'm back at her office.  She said that the blood test will let us know if there's an issue with the baby - which in this case, unlike the NT scan, there are things we can do to fix or prevent them -  but it also tells us how my placenta is doing, something she said she'd really like to know with my history.  So in two weeks I have a regular check-up, an ultrasound and a blood test.  Two to three weeks after that is the BIG ultrasound where they for sure find out the sex of the baby and look at a bunch of other stuff.  I'm getting more excited as I type this because it all means we're nearly out of the woods.

In other news, which I think is good but is probably indifferent, I've lost eight pounds in the first trimester.  I can see why since my appetite is totally random and I get full really fast, so I'm eating a lot less and trying really hard to make sure what I do eat is at least halfway good for me...though the In-N-Out Double Double I downed on Saturday disagrees with that statement.  Apparently baby likes a good cheeseburger.

Great Practice

Well, results are back from the NT Ultrasound...baby has less than a 1 in 10,000 chance of having Downs or Trisomy...something.  The genetic counselor said those are the best odds they give so we can safely say baby doesn't have those things and we shouldn't need to do an amniocentesis, which carries an added risk of causing miscarriage so I was praying we wouldn't have to do one of those.  Small miracles, my friends.

As for the blood pocket, all the report said was "There appears to be a pocket of fluid or old blood in the uterus to the right side of the amniotic sac."  Uhhh, right.  KNEW THAT.  Lucky for me I have an appointment with my OB on Monday so we'll at the very least be able to hear a heart beat to make me feel better.  I may beg for an ultrasound, just to make me feel better about it, as I'm (at least what I feel is understandably) stressed out about it.  We'll see.

In other news, we got a French Bulldog puppy - Dr. Watson (Watson for short).  He's nine weeks old and totally adorable, but I've decided we basically have a newborn without diapers.  He wakes up every few hours, has to go outside every 20-30 minutes when he's awake as part of his potty training and I can't leave him alone for a second without making major preparations for accidents - both bathroom and chewing related.  Despite the down sides, we are totally in love with him and I figure this is great training for baby.  We'll get him crate and potty trained just in time for me to have this little sucker in my belly and start all over again.  PARTY!

We are getting closer and closer to this being my longest pregnancy.  I'll be 14 weeks on Monday, so if we make it to the end of next week I'll feel a little better.  Unfortunately, not a lot, but at least a little.

As for a supply/preparation update, I didn't buy anything for the babies during the first two pregnancies, but after 12 weeks in #3 I went and bought a really great diaper bag on sale at the Kate Spade Outlet in Las Vegas.  This time, I decided I would be a little optimistic and purchase a stroller I've been drooling over for the last year and a half.  I found an AWESOME deal on Craigslist for a Bugaboo Cameleon with accessories out the wazoo and as a bonus it also came with a Maxi Cosi Mico carrier and two carseat bases.  Retail for all of this stuff would have been somewhere in the ballpark of $1300 and I got it all for more than a thousand less than that.  There are a few small flaws here and there and everything needed a bath but I've tried it all out and it works great and the family took great care of everything so I feel really lucky to have found it.  The one "flaw" in my plan is if my husband's family genes take over and I birth a bohemoth child.  The carrier only goes to 20 lbs so it may only last a few months if that happens.   Worst case I'm hoping the car seat bases fit the larger Maxi Cosi carriers or something like that.  We'll see.  No matter what I've got two big-ish expenses out of the way.  Now I just need to find $1200 under a rock so I can buy my dream crib...which isn't going to happen so I'm on the search for something similar that is more along the lines of $100.  I have a friend who has great baby furniture connections (she got a $3500 lucite crib for something like $500) so I'm going to see what hook-ups she might have. 

So there's the update.  13 weeks, 4 days.  Yikes.

The Infamous NT Scan

So I had my ultrasound yesterday.  The neonatal specialists office was...interesting.  The TV in the lobby was turned up SO LOUD and everyone working there (including the doctor who was working the front desk?) was super casual and super nice.  It was just very different than my usual doctor visits. 

They took my blood and talked me through what they were looking for and all that jazz.  Of course I was asked the magic question in every stage.

"How many pregnancies does this one make?"

"Four."

"And you have three babies at home?"

"No.  I have no babies at home."

Pause.

"Oh.  I'm sorry.  This one is going to work out!"

EVERY TIME.

Finally, it was time for the ultrasound.  Thankfully, no more magic wand ultrasounds.  We're finally external around here.  THANK GOODNESS.  Also, they used the warmed up jelly which was a first.  Nice and toasty warm. 

So, the tech starts the ultrasound and the first words out of her mouth are "Hmm, you've got a decent sized bleed in there."

First (panicked) words out of my mouth were "IS THE BABY STILL ALIVE??!??!"

"Oh, yes!  Just fine!  Sorry about that.  I don't think it's anything to worry about unless you've been spotting or bleeding"

I sort of wanted to kick her.  This woman had JUST been told, by me, that I've had three miscarriages in the last 18 months.  One would think that it would be something obvious that the first words out of her mouth would be something along the lines of "nice healthy baby!" or "everything looks great!"  Nope.  She went with YOU'VE GOT A DECENT SIZED BLEED IN THERE.  Not frightening at all to a woman who hasn't made it past fifteen weeks, right?  Sheesh.  Talk about a heart attack.

After that she started measuring.  Everything was looking fine and then the baby decided it was time to wake up and dance.  It was kind of awesome.  It was rocking out in there.  The tech kept saying "please don't roll over, baby" and baby listened and instead got into an even better position for measurement so we were able to see a whole lot of stuff even better.  She also measured the heartbeat which was right on track at 164bpm and the baby was measuring at exactly 12 weeks and two days, so we're looking good.

In the NT screen they check for the nasal bone (which was present) and then they measure the nucal translucency (eh?) which is the fluid between the baby's spinal cord and neck skin.  The lab has to take a look at that measurement so we don't know if it was good or not but other than that, and the weird bleed which the doctor will check out - everything looks good.  They'll share the results with my regular OB and maybe I'll be able to get an extra ultrasound due to the bleed.  And hopefully I don't start spotting because that would freak me the hell out.

So, here are the latest ultrasound pictures.  One is a facial profile (kind of hard to see but if you squint and shake your head it starts to make sense) and the other is obviously the whole body side shot.

Facial Profile, with a little nose and pouty mouth.

 

Whole body profile.  The line is them measuring from top of the head to the butt to determine size.  You can see the white spots of baby's arm and leg up above the belly.

So there you have it.  Everything but the bleed are normal.  Yahoo.

The One With ALL the Ultrasounds

So, up to this point I've had four ultrasounds.  For those of you unfamiliar with typical pregnancy protocol, that's a lot.  And I have another one this week.  After that, as I've mentioned, I'm back to the normal routine and the next freebie is at 20 weeks.

The reason I've had so many is because my fertility specialist likes to confirm the pregnancy to the point of heartbeat before sending me to my OB.  So we had two blood tests to confirm HCG levels and then two ultrasounds, a week apart, until we saw the wee heartbeat at 7.something weeks.  After that, my OB, given my radical history, decided to see me earlier than she usually sees expectant mothers so I was in their office exactly a week after the second fertility ultrasound.  Then, because she's AWESOME, she agreed to do an extra for my peace of mind two weeks after that and suggested we do the NT testing exactly two weeks after that, all leading up to twelve weeks.

As I've mentioned as well, that doesn't put us out of the woods given the last miscarriage at 14.5 weeks, so I may request another at that point just so I don't lose my freaking mind.  We're so close to being safe...I just need all the reassurance I can get at this point.

Okey dokey.  On to the fun part.  The ever confusing, blurry Ultrasound pictures!!  And a belly shot...with nothing interesting to see, since I apparently have birthing hips the size of the Atlantic and I may NEVER look pregnant.


So, here goes:

 I'm going in chronological order so here you have our lovely yolk sac, which, if you had microscope eyes might show a slight thickness at the top-ish, which is the fetal pole.  This was November 28th.

Next, a week later on December 5th we have the same yolk sac with a strange looking something or other to the left of it that is the baby.  You obviously can't see it in this picture but we had a healthy heartbeat of I believe 125 bpm here

This is by far the worst picture of all of them.  I don't know why it turned out so badly.  In the top middle you have the deteriorating yolk sac and then to the right, between the blurry dots is the eight week old fetus person, chillin' like a villain.  This was taken December 12th.

In our most recent ultrasound, taken on December 27th, you can see on the right a baby with a GIANT head and belly and itty bitty chicken leg thingies.  The baby was super active during this ultrasound, similar to our 10 week one with Alien v3.  That one waved and this one was full on booty-shake dancing.  Our OB opted for the festive "Happy New Year" in place of her usual "Hi Mom and Dad" which she claims is getting "boring."  With my New Year's Eve birthday I found it endearing and fitting.  Happy New Year indeed!

Here you have my almost 11 week belly shot.  Nothing to see here, folks.  If the last pregnancy is any indicator, I won't be showing for a while now.  The baby was about 14 weeks along when it stopped growing and my very thorough nurse sister could barely feel my uterus above my pelvic bone.  I would however like to introduce all of you to my VERY prominent hind end.  Let's just say I'm very popular with the "brothas."

There you have them.  All the pictures.  As of today I'm exactly twelve weeks.  According to most experts this is the point where our chances of miscarriage go down significantly.  I'm crossing all fingers and toes that the odds are finally in our favor.  And in case any of you are wondering I'm still really hoping for a girl even though I have a strong premonition it's a boy.  We shall see.

Couch Potato

I'm almost through week eleven and the first trimester has hit me square in the baby maker.  I am still fighting off the weird remnants of the stupid cold I've had for almost three weeks now, so that's been fun.  Also, my stomach issues are officially the fault of my digestive system which has decided it gets the fact that there's a weird alien thing taking up space and sending out weird hormone signals.  I swore to myself that I would be SO GRATEFUL if I was sick during my pregnancy, and believe me, I am.  I'm so glad to know that the hormones are doing their thing and that it means that most likely this will be THE ONE that actually works out but ohmygosh I feel like poo.  Very grateful poo. 

My sick has been different than I've heard about from most pregnant women.  I don't feel so much nauseous as I do like my insides want to remove themselves from my body.  There's cramping and gas pains and more cramping and then all of a sudden I'm SO HUNGRY I CAN'T BREATHE but I'm not in the mood for anything.  This happened to me the last time...nothing sounded good.  This time it's that times ten.  I have to force myself to eat anything.  It's not that it looks or smells gross, it's just that it's...food.  Food is not interesting until it's in my mouth.  Then my body is like "Ohhhhhhh this stuff.  Yes, I like."  So once I start eating, I'm good.  It's just getting to that point.  Then a couple of hours later as my intestines encounter the food I regret every single bite.  And add in the typical pregnancy stop-up issue and we have some serious confusion going on inside. Let's just say I'm very lucky that I can do most of my job from the couch because that's where I spend most of my time.  In my Disney sweats.

I still haven't encountered the beautiful glowy skin many women speak of.  I've been breaking out all over and the progesterone is making things even more awesome with the weird facial hair that grows from nothing to frightening overnight.  Winning!

So let's sum this up.  Sweats + Couch + Acne + Weird Facial Hair = I'm so pretty. 

On the upside, my hair has never been more awesome.  Now if I could just get away with wearing it Cousin It style and JUST showing my hair.  Hmm, not a bad idea.

I haven't mentioned on this blog yet that we got a puppy.  He's an adorable French Bulldog who is white with black spots.  He will be about nine weeks old when we bring him home next week.  I'm super excited for lots of reasons but not so excited to potty train, but I guess it's decent preparation for motherhood, right?  Our nice neighbor gave us a crate for him so that's an extra few bucks we'll save.  It's more like a doggie play pen with a top than a crate, if I'm being honest.  It's nice and big and light and should be perfect for our little buddy.  We have no idea what we're going to name him yet but I'm sure it will be awesome.

My NT screening is next Wednesday.  As much as I'd hoped we would be able to schedule it out a few more weeks to have a better chance at getting a peek at the privates, I'm glad to have another ultrasound two weeks after the last one.  It really helps with the miscarriage stress.  I'm trying to decide if I should get a doppler so I can wake up every morning and check for a heartbeat.  Part of me thinks that would be awesome and the other part of me things that might be MORE stressful because what if my placenta is in front and I can't hear it or something like that?  Then I'd be a wreck for no reason.  I have a friend who lives down the street who owns one so maybe when I finally announce the baby I can ask to borrow it.  Who knows.

Well, not much else to report.  This is Pregnant Kate Murphy, reporting from the couch.  Goodnight.

Still There!

So, we've completed another successful appointment with a confirmed heartbeat and dancing baby.  So far, so good.  Even in the long pregnancy, at this point I'd already had a 24 hour bleeding scare.  This time?  Nada.  I'm faithfully taking my meds, itching or no itching, and have been doing my very best to remain relaxed and calm.  For the most part I feel great and my pregnancy symptoms have been mellow and manageable.

I had a big fat insurance snafu at my last appointment so we opted not to do the blood work that time around just in case I was going to have to pay cash for it (which was going to be somewhere in the ballpark of $2500) but that has since been worked out so they drew about eight bazillion viles of blood yesterday - waaaayyy more than my last OB ever took.  It was almost as bad as the panel they took during the infertility testing.  I'm still amazed by the fact that our bodies have enough blood to give that much and still manage to function.  For reals.  Anyhooters, I'll be interested to see if anything comes out of this blood work.  My sister, who's pregnant and due in March, had some thyroid issues and has had several appointments with a specialist because of it.  

Matt came with me to my appointment and that turned out to be fun for us to do together.  We sat in the ultrasound room and made jokes about just doing the ultrasound ourselves since we'd had so freaking many in the last two years anyway.  We then discussed the lube warmer that they had in the room and then laughed when they didn't even use the warm stuff.  Matt has decided these ultrasounds must be very uncomfortable and I told him we could do one up him bum just to give him an idea.  He politely declined.

I've had some ridiculous cold for almost ten days now.  I finally got a Z-pac from my OB yesterday at my appointment but she mentioned that this was probably a virus and would just have to go away on it's own.  After the first day of the meds, I'm thinking she's right.  I haven't been sick for this long in years and not being able to take my typical cold meds has made it more difficult.  The nice part is that the boss has been super easygoing and there's not a lot going on with work right now so I've been able to spend a lot of time resting.  It's been super nice although I feel like the world's biggest lazy butt.  I slept most of the day on Monday and this morning I haven't left the couch since taking a nice long shower.  Between the sickness and the pregnancy I'm fairly certain I could sleep 20 hours a day and be juuuuust fine. 

Today I need to make an appointment for my NT screening.  This one is new and not something my last OB said anything about.  It's usually done between 12-16 weeks and helps determine if the baby has downs syndrome or other chromosomal anomalies.  It's also an additional ultrasound which is nice.  I'm wondering if I can drag it out a little bit longer and go for more like the 16 week time so that we might have a better chance of finding out the sex a little bit earlier than 20 weeks.  I really feel like I'm not going to be able to do anything for this baby until we find out what it is.

I'm also nervous to do anything until we get past where I was last time when I miscarried.  That's still the bummer about this whole thing.  I can't get excited, I can't get my hopes up, I can't go out and buy a bunch of baby stuff - none of it.  It's hard to put into words how all of this feels.  Every single time I go to the bathroom or feel any sort of strangeness in my nether-regions, I'm sure that I'm miscarrying.  Between normal pregnancy discharge (I am SO sorry to use that word.  I thought and thought and couldn't for the life of me think of another) and the progesterone suppository messiness, I run to the bathroom at least twice a day to check for blood.  Gas bubbles and normal digestive feelings are all misinterpreted to be cramping and miscarriage.  It's nerve wracking and I'm not sure that it will go away until I have a living, breathing baby coming out of my body.

At least fifteen friends announced pregnancies on Facebook on Christmas Eve or Day and I'm fairly certain there are a few more coming.  I'm trying hard to be excited for people but once again I find myself a bit resentful.  I can't bring myself to announce it because it seems as soon as I do, it's not to far off that I'll lose the baby.  I find myself wondering if any of them will lose their babies and part of me wonders if in some strange way that will make me feel better...like I'm not the only one?  It's a really horrible way to think and feel but I'm trying to be very honest here about how this all feels and that's a truth about what I'm going through, and that's part of my truth.  I've only had one friend lose a baby since my last miscarriage and her situation was SO completely outrageous and unusual I broke down and cried for her the second I found out.  I guess that proves there is some compassion about all of this left inside of me, huh?  Sometimes I really wonder.

So there's the update.  The baby was measuring 9 weeks 5 days but the doctor left my due date at July 23rd since we're in the ball park and due dates usually change a bit as the baby grows anyway.  Still not excited about being nine months pregnant in Phoenix in July, but hopefully June 2012 is as balmy and wonderful as last June was so I'll only have one month of being truly hot.  With my luck, it will reach 150 in May.

Week 9

So, here I am.  9 weeks today.  So far, so good.

I had my first appointment with my new OB/GYN last week.  I've seen her before, back before there was an inkling of any babies and I loved her.  My insurance at my last job wasn't accepted at her office which is why I didn't see her for the pregnancies.  Anyway, I'm back to her and she's great.  There was a big old disaster mess with my insurance - a story for another day - so I didn't have the complete appointment with blood tests and all of that, but I did get another ultrasound and the baby is measuring right on time for a new and improved July 22nd due date (I know, one day difference, big whoop).

I love this doctor, she seems a little/lot more aggressive than my other OB and she agreed to do an additional ultrasound on the 27th, just for everyone's peace of mind, which is fantastic.  I'll have an additional ultrasound two or three weeks after that as part of the screening for down's syndrome and some other things, which is usually done at 12-14 weeks.  Depending on how things are going I may try to stretch it out to week  14 or 15 and see if we can get an early gender prediction.  The "big" ultrasound comes at 20 weeks and then there's one additional later on.  It's not like my last OB with an ultrasound at every appointment,  but I am getting a few extras in there, and I bet my doctor would add a few others in if I were to ask.  Plus I get to deliver at my top hospital choice in the valley.

I'm still taking the progesterone which is not a party.  It's still super itchy and I feel myself getting more and more easily irritated by the day.  I'm semi-exhausted but yay for me, one of the side effects of progesterone is trouble sleeping.  I have that side effect.  I am supposed to put the suppository in right before bed and the inability to sleep seems to kick in about fifteen minutes after insertion (ew, sorry).  That means I'll be ready to pass out, head to bed and then BAM.  Wide awake for about two hours.  Other side effects are also general first trimester side effects so I'm not sure which is which.  I have weird bouts of nausea still - but again, no throwing up.  My boobies still hurt most of the time.  This time is different than the others.  It feels more like muscle soreness than the feeling of needles sticking into me that I had before.  New on the side effect train are my extra awesome shiny hair and teenage-esque acne.  Yay for hair, ugh for zits.

I'm working out almost every day. Still doing the 30-Day Shred but I'm ordering some highly recommended pregnancy DVDs to mix in.  So far, other than the massive amount of weight I gained BEFORE I got pregnant, not much going on in the weight department.  Apparently they recommend weight gain based on your BMI and I am no longer in the range where 30 lbs is OK.  My target is 11-20.  I'm really really really hoping I can stay within that range.  Maybe even just 11.  11 would be nice.  Especially considering my chances of having a 10 pound kid are very likely thanks to Matt's family genes. Party in my uterus.

So that's that.  The nine week update.  I'll have more after Christmas when I have my next ultrasound.

Beating Heart

We had our second ultrasound with the fertility specialist yesterday.  I thought I was seven weeks and three days but they said six weeks and three days.  This pushed my due date back a few days to July 23rd but we saw an embryo and a strong heartbeat - 123 bpm. 

I feel jaded and horrible but people kept congratulating me and I couldn't even say thank you.  I realize their office spends so much time with couples who CAN'T get pregnant so seeing that heartbeat is such a huge deal.  To me, unfortunately, getting pregnant and seeing that heartbeat is par for the painful course.  I wish it wasn't and I wish there was a thrill and a joy in seeing that tiny person with that tiny heart pumping blood through it's little body, but right now there's just not.  I am glad to see it, I'm glad to know that Matt and I were once able to create something so awesome, but I can't get excited because so much of me is so terrified that this one will go away too.

I walked through the lobby of that office filled with women who would be so excited to have that little ultrasound picture in their hands and I felt like I had to hide it since I couldn't muster up any excitement whatsoever.

Now, as for the pregnancy itself, it's been a bit different than the others in that I have weird stomach issues.  It's not horrible and I haven't thrown up but I definitely feel gross right after I eat.  It's highly possible that this is one of the many side effects of the Progesterone, since that's a big difference too.  I'm tired at about 7:00 every night but if I push through that I can get to about 10:00, which I wasn't able to do the other times.  Everything else is pretty similar to the other pregnancies.  No food aversions, I'm able to work out every day but I try not to push it too hard.  Right now I'm doing the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred, which I think works perfectly because it's short and has strength training.  Matt and I are also going for walks a few times a week which helps me to get some extra energy and stay awake like a normal person.

I can definitely tell the hormones are raging.  I'm easily irritated and extraordinarily emotional.  Again, this could be partially due to the progesterone and my weaning off (now I'm completely off) my anti-depressant, which definitely left me feeling emotional for the first little while.  I'm sure the emotion and anxiety are still there since all of this isn't exactly happy and relaxing for me so that might be part of it but also, hi, pregnancy hormones.  Welcome to my life.  Again.

I wanted to insert a quick word about why I quit the anti-depressants.  The particular pill I was on - Celexa - is listed as safe for pregnancy, but I felt that if I could survive without it, it would be better for me not to be on anything except prescriptions aimed at me keeping this baby.  I have taken the same stance with my allergy meds.  My OB made the point during the last pregnancy that if I could survive without anything extra then if I lost the baby I wouldn't have those things to point to and feel guilty about.  Especially since I already feel guilty about everything anyway.  So, there's that.

So, that's that.  I'm so full of happiness and light, right?  Wah wahhhh.

Sigh

Well, firstly, my second blood test came back with HCG levels doubling as they should.  Then I was off to Utah for Thanksgiving and scheduled an ultrasound for the Monday after I got back.  And, once again the ultrasound has confirmed that there's a baby in there.  The doctor kept telling me how good everything looks and how I'm right on track.  I felt bad but all I could say was "yep, been there before."  It is nice to know it's not a chemical pregnancy and that there's actually something going on there but it has been difficult to get my hopes up in any way shape or form.  The doctor also told me again that my chances of carrying to term are greater this time but, as I've mentioned before, I'm not a fan of statistics and my pregnancies. 

I'm six weeks and four days today and my typical symptoms are back.  The girls are throbbing and I'm up once or twice a night going pee.  The last couple of days I've felt twinges of nausea but nothing serious or indicative of more to come...though we'll see.  I was fast asleep by 9:30 last night but then I was wide awake at 3:00am after I peed and realized I'd forgotten to take my progesterone so I read Tess of the D'Ubervilles for about an hour before I could fall asleep again.

Speaking of progesterone...they gave me a suppository, which is what it is...but OMG does it ITCH as it breaks down.  I can't even begin to describe the horrificness of the itching that takes place for about an hour after I stick that puppy where the sun don't shine.  I've read the forums and it seems a common reaction that should (and has somewhat already) calm down.  I can only hope because YOWSAS.

So that's it.  Baby update complete.  I think I've determined that I won't announce to anyone or get excited until week 20.  I wasn't showing at all last time so I'm betting I'll be able to hide it until then.  We shall see.

Also, to any of my readers who are trying and can't get pregnant I hope that none of this is painful for you to read.  I know how I felt when my sister and others around me announced their pregnancies.  So many emotions, most of them centering around how unfair this all is.  And the anger! I once read a blog post of someone who had never struggled to have children asking for an explanation of the angry outbursts she'd heard about.  She couldn't understand what on earth would cause a rational human being to want to punch someone in the face for getting pregnant or complaining about legitimate discomfort.  I couldn't find the words to explain to her that it was like a foreign alien of rage taking over my body.  The anger and hurt are so real and so on the surface and they are there ALL THE TIME.  My whole life was about losing these babies.  I tried (and still try) to joke about it, which makes people uncomfortable. Sometimes my own jokes hurt my feelings and I'd start to cry.  Sometimes I'd cry for no reason.  I'd avoid the baby aisles at Target and Walmart because a freaking stroller sighting would cause me to break down.  Some pregnant lady would caress her belly and I'd completely LOSE MY CRAP.  I will never be able to explain those feelings to someone who hasn't felt them.  I know you ladies have felt something at least close to that.

I want you all to know that I will always do my best to be sensitive to those of you who are struggling.  This process hasn't been easy for me in any way and admitting that I cannot get excited about the possibilities for this pregnancy is infuriating to ME so I'm sure it is for others.  I want you all to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and if there were anything I could do to help lift your burdens, I would.  I know so well the emotions attached to trying to get our babies here.  I think I've been able to gain more empathy and understanding for what others are going through and I hope that comes across.  I will not be insulted in any way if you have to stop reading or stay away.  I had to do the same thing around many people for a long time so I understand completely.  I get it that there are people who simply won't be able to be happy for me if this works out and I want anyone who feels that way to know that it's ok and I get it.

And now, I'm going to go take a nap.  Yay for the first trimester tiredness, take 4.

So Far, So Good. But I've Heard That Before

So I had my first round of blood testing and so far, so good.  HCG levels are at 64 - they want them to be at least 50 so we're good to go there.  I have another blood test tomorrow to make sure they're doubling.

I used the first progesterone suppository last night.  That was...cold.  And then goopy.  And a bit itchy?  So far no unpleasant side effects but the list of possibilities is long and I'm sure I'll have my share of them while I'm taking the progesterone.  I made the mistake of googling the side effects last night...I realize I'm very lucky I'm not using the shots and I feel very badly for women who have to do IVF.  Some of them do the shots or suppositories three times a day.  It's so worth it to get a baby at the end but yowsa. 

We head to Utah day after tomorrow for another week with our families.  I've realized we have a complication...I have to keep the projesterone cold. Which means in the fridge.  This would be fine except for the part where we've decided not to tell our families until at least Christmas.  So now I have to figure out how to hide the stupid capsules in the fridge without anyone catching on.  Tricky.

The boobies started hurting today.  Matt claims it's only because I know I'm pregnant and I'm making it up.  I wish I could make his boobs hurt like this and then tell HIM he's making it up.  Men.

I'll find out tomorrow about my levels and then we'll have two ultrasounds with the specialist and probably one or two with my OB for good measure.  Yay for invasive ultrasounds!  Again!

STAY PUT, BABY.  STAY PUT.

Progesterone and Blood Tests and Babies...Oh my!

Last week I took a dollar store pregnancy test on the day before I should have started my period "just to see."  It was negative.  My heart sank and I started preparing myself for the inevitable true disappointment when the actual period started any minute.  My cycle has been a bit sporadic so I wasn't surprised when it didn't start Friday or Saturday.

Sunday I had a meltdown of epic proportions.  After a day in church where we focused a lot on the cute kids we had a relief society lesson on service and somehow ended up spending what felt like an eternity discussing how our children do service for us.  I have felt left out of the discussions before but somehow this Sunday and this discussion followed by an entire sacrament meeting of beautiful children singing and bearing their testimonies, I couldn't take it anymore.  All of the emotions bubbled to the surface again.  I was angry at my body.  Angry at anyone who has a baby.  At anyone who is having a baby.  At these women in church for not understanding that every word they said that day was KILLING me inside.  Angy at my doctors for not having a solution.  Angry at God for not allowing just ONE of my pregnancies to work out.  I got home and I cried and cried and cried for like an hour and a half.  I had make-up streaming down my face, on my skirt on my hands, on Matt's shoulder.  I felt like there weren't enough tears in the world for the sorrow that was rending my heart in two.  

After I stopped sobbing and was able to get on with life, Matt and I chalked it up to PMS and went on with our Sunday and actually had a wonderful, relaxing day.  I took a nap and made a delicious dinner and we went on a walk.

Then Monday came around...still no period.  I worked all day, fighting off being very tired, then I worked out for an hour before dinner.  On our way home from In-N-Out (dinner of champions, no?) we stopped at Walgreens to get milk and I told Matt we'd better buy a pregnancy test...just to confirm that I wasn't pregnant.  This was the first time he's had to buy them with me and of course his reaction was "HOLY CRAP THOSE ARE EXPENSIVE!" then he walked away and left me to the decision myself.  We went with the cheapy Walgreens brand since I knew it wasn't going to be positive anyway.  The three pack was on sale for just a dollar more than the two pack so I figured I'd have a couple for the next few months.

I had to pee right when we got home so I took the box with me.  Matt goes "um you're doing that right now?  In the little bathroom?"  I just started laughing because it's like the specific bathroom in which I pee on the stick is going to make any sort of difference.  So I did my thing and it looked negative...until all of a sudden it didn't.  The plus was oh so super faint and I kept having to squint my eyes to make sure I wasn't fooling myself.  I'd read online forums about women holding the tests up to the light just to prove that the faintest of lines were there...apparently if there's ANY line at all, it's a positive.  So I did that.  It still looked like it was there.  Then I showed Matt.  He said he thought he saw it.  Then we just sort of...stood. there.

That's the big shame of this situation.  There's no excitement anymore.  A positive pregnancy test means that we've done that part again and now we have to wait and see what happens next and mentally prepare ourselves for the worst.  So we stared at it and I put it in a drawer and took another one when I had to pee again.  This time there wasn't a line at all.  What the what?  I decided to hold off on the third one until the morning when I'd heard the hormone levels are greatest.  I went to bed and said a little prayer of thanks and then begged God to please let me keep this one.

This morning I took the third test and, there was the line again, this time a little darker thanks to the concentrated levels or whatever magical thing happens in the morning pee.  So it's confirmed by two our of three cheap crappy pregnancy tests...we're pregnant with number four.

I called the fertility specialist right away to get my progesterone and find out what else they want me to do.  True to form, they've got me going in for a blood test today, another in 48 hours and then they'll see me for two ultrasounds to confirm the presence of a baby and a heartbeat and then I'll go see my regular OB.  I've got a prescription for progesterone capsules to be um...inserted...um...up there every night before bed.  I'm taking a special prenatal pill with extra folic acid as well as a baby aspirin every day to ward off any blood clots.  I'm grateful that I have a list of things I have to do.  It makes me feel somehow more proactive in trying to keep this baby here with us.

I can't get my hopes up.  It's so so CRAPPY but I just can't.  It's sort of become like getting an interview.  There's a good chance you'll get the job but an equally good chance you won't.  You just have to show up wearing your best outfit and talk yourself up.  In this case I'm going to take my little cocktail of meds, keep myself as stress free as possible and pray my stinking guts out.

Here we freaking go again.