Last week I took a dollar store pregnancy test on the day before I should have started my period "just to see." It was negative. My heart sank and I started preparing myself for the inevitable true disappointment when the actual period started any minute. My cycle has been a bit sporadic so I wasn't surprised when it didn't start Friday or Saturday.
Sunday I had a meltdown of epic proportions. After a day in church where we focused a lot on the cute kids we had a relief society lesson on service and somehow ended up spending what felt like an eternity discussing how our children do service for us. I have felt left out of the discussions before but somehow this Sunday and this discussion followed by an entire sacrament meeting of beautiful children singing and bearing their testimonies, I couldn't take it anymore. All of the emotions bubbled to the surface again. I was angry at my body. Angry at anyone who has a baby. At anyone who is having a baby. At these women in church for not understanding that every word they said that day was KILLING me inside. Angy at my doctors for not having a solution. Angry at God for not allowing just ONE of my pregnancies to work out. I got home and I cried and cried and cried for like an hour and a half. I had make-up streaming down my face, on my skirt on my hands, on Matt's shoulder. I felt like there weren't enough tears in the world for the sorrow that was rending my heart in two.
After I stopped sobbing and was able to get on with life, Matt and I chalked it up to PMS and went on with our Sunday and actually had a wonderful, relaxing day. I took a nap and made a delicious dinner and we went on a walk.
Then Monday came around...still no period. I worked all day, fighting off being very tired, then I worked out for an hour before dinner. On our way home from In-N-Out (dinner of champions, no?) we stopped at Walgreens to get milk and I told Matt we'd better buy a pregnancy test...just to confirm that I wasn't pregnant. This was the first time he's had to buy them with me and of course his reaction was "HOLY CRAP THOSE ARE EXPENSIVE!" then he walked away and left me to the decision myself. We went with the cheapy Walgreens brand since I knew it wasn't going to be positive anyway. The three pack was on sale for just a dollar more than the two pack so I figured I'd have a couple for the next few months.
I had to pee right when we got home so I took the box with me. Matt goes "um you're doing that right now? In the little bathroom?" I just started laughing because it's like the specific bathroom in which I pee on the stick is going to make any sort of difference. So I did my thing and it looked negative...until all of a sudden it didn't. The plus was oh so super faint and I kept having to squint my eyes to make sure I wasn't fooling myself. I'd read online forums about women holding the tests up to the light just to prove that the faintest of lines were there...apparently if there's ANY line at all, it's a positive. So I did that. It still looked like it was there. Then I showed Matt. He said he thought he saw it. Then we just sort of...stood. there.
That's the big shame of this situation. There's no excitement anymore. A positive pregnancy test means that we've done that part again and now we have to wait and see what happens next and mentally prepare ourselves for the worst. So we stared at it and I put it in a drawer and took another one when I had to pee again. This time there wasn't a line at all. What the what? I decided to hold off on the third one until the morning when I'd heard the hormone levels are greatest. I went to bed and said a little prayer of thanks and then begged God to please let me keep this one.
This morning I took the third test and, there was the line again, this time a little darker thanks to the concentrated levels or whatever magical thing happens in the morning pee. So it's confirmed by two our of three cheap crappy pregnancy tests...we're pregnant with number four.
I called the fertility specialist right away to get my progesterone and find out what else they want me to do. True to form, they've got me going in for a blood test today, another in 48 hours and then they'll see me for two ultrasounds to confirm the presence of a baby and a heartbeat and then I'll go see my regular OB. I've got a prescription for progesterone capsules to be um...inserted...um...up there every night before bed. I'm taking a special prenatal pill with extra folic acid as well as a baby aspirin every day to ward off any blood clots. I'm grateful that I have a list of things I have to do. It makes me feel somehow more proactive in trying to keep this baby here with us.
I can't get my hopes up. It's so so CRAPPY but I just can't. It's sort of become like getting an interview. There's a good chance you'll get the job but an equally good chance you won't. You just have to show up wearing your best outfit and talk yourself up. In this case I'm going to take my little cocktail of meds, keep myself as stress free as possible and pray my stinking guts out.
Here we freaking go again.
Showing posts with label TMI. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TMI. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Infertility Inferschmility
SO, I had my first appointment with the fertility specialist. I like him. He's a tiny skinny Indian man named Dr. Patel. Ironically all of my current doctors with the exception of my OB/GYN are now named Dr. Patel. I'm guessing it's India's version of Smith? Anyway...
Obviously true infertility isn't our particular problem. We appear to be the polar opposite of infertile and I'd venture to say much MORE than fertile. Boy oh boy can I get myself pregnant. As I handed my ten thousand pages of paperwork to the nice lady at the front desk, I asked if they needed the four or five pages on Matt. She batted her eyelashes, smiled and said in the cutest French accent
"Weeel, eef ou ant to get pregnant, yes we dooo."
"Well, ma'am that does not appear to be our particular problem. I can get pregnant like it's my 9-5 job. I just can't seem to convince those little suckers to stick around long enough to say hello."
Yeah, turns out they didn't need Matt's paperwork so much.
So, the first appointment was really just a consultation. He went through my history in a lot of detail. How many years did I use birth control? Which kinds? How long have I been off of it? Cramps? Regular periods? Heavy? Light? On and on and on.
Then we got to the babies. Did we see a heartbeat every time? How far along was each one? How did I feel during the pregnancies? What procedures did I have after the miscarriages? We discussed the ultrasound that revealed my possible bicornuate uterus, the D&E, all that stuff.
He then took a bunch of time explaining different kinds of miscarriages and how they sort of group them. Before 7 weeks is usually considered a chemical pregnancy but mine was not because we saw a heartbeat - but these are the most common. Before 12 weeks is usually caused by incorrect genetic make-up, but not all the time - and again, very common. After 12 weeks becomes concerning and not nearly as common.
Next we walked through his thoughts on me. He thinks my issue is the uterus shape. In some cases it's fixable, in others, it's not. It depends on whether the septum is part of the actual uterus make-up or if it's tissue inside. It's interesting because my OB thought my uterus shape wasn't the problem and that I maybe had a clotting disorder. Dr. Patel said he has never seen a clotting disorder AND a bicornuate uterus in the same patient. I might be the rarity, but he doesn't think so. Apparently uterus shape is the first thing they look to in cases of multiple miscarriage and we already know that's what I've got going on. I used to think a heart shape was a good thing...not so much.
Finally, he presented the plan. And I like the plan because it covers every possible scenario of what could be wrong. I want to attack this thing like it's cancer. Dr. Patel takes the aggressive approach which the intense side of me LOVES.
The first thing to do is genetic testing. Matt and I are going to a lab tomorrow morning for what I assume will be either a q-tip DNA swab or a blood draw and they will do all the chromosomal, DNA, genetic testy thingies (technical term) they do. This takes about three weeks.
Next, after two menstrual cycles we go through the next list. So far I'm right on schedule so this should take place mid-June. We start with inserting dye into my uterus and doing an intense ultrasound so we can get a really clear picture of the shape and possible issues. During that same appointment he'll do a complete set of blood work to determine if I have a clotting disorder, some sort of baby attacking lupus or any hormonal imbalances which might play a part. I'll also be tested for thyroid disorders which can cause early aging of my eggs. Finally, he's putting Matt and I on a heavy 10 day dose of antibiotics to kill any possible infections we might have lingering that could harm a growing fetus. We should have some sort of answer and possible next steps within about a week after all these tests are complete.
Are you lost yet? Me too. Basically it goes like this
Test
Test
Test
Test
Test some more
Look at results
Test
If, in the end they can't find anything wrong, they'll send me for a second opinion and I'll start all over.
I've told Matt to stay far away from me until we get some answers because if I get pregnant again before we get some answers, he'll have some 'splaining to do. Because it is naturally all his fault.
Obviously true infertility isn't our particular problem. We appear to be the polar opposite of infertile and I'd venture to say much MORE than fertile. Boy oh boy can I get myself pregnant. As I handed my ten thousand pages of paperwork to the nice lady at the front desk, I asked if they needed the four or five pages on Matt. She batted her eyelashes, smiled and said in the cutest French accent
"Weeel, eef ou ant to get pregnant, yes we dooo."
"Well, ma'am that does not appear to be our particular problem. I can get pregnant like it's my 9-5 job. I just can't seem to convince those little suckers to stick around long enough to say hello."
Yeah, turns out they didn't need Matt's paperwork so much.
So, the first appointment was really just a consultation. He went through my history in a lot of detail. How many years did I use birth control? Which kinds? How long have I been off of it? Cramps? Regular periods? Heavy? Light? On and on and on.
Then we got to the babies. Did we see a heartbeat every time? How far along was each one? How did I feel during the pregnancies? What procedures did I have after the miscarriages? We discussed the ultrasound that revealed my possible bicornuate uterus, the D&E, all that stuff.
He then took a bunch of time explaining different kinds of miscarriages and how they sort of group them. Before 7 weeks is usually considered a chemical pregnancy but mine was not because we saw a heartbeat - but these are the most common. Before 12 weeks is usually caused by incorrect genetic make-up, but not all the time - and again, very common. After 12 weeks becomes concerning and not nearly as common.
Next we walked through his thoughts on me. He thinks my issue is the uterus shape. In some cases it's fixable, in others, it's not. It depends on whether the septum is part of the actual uterus make-up or if it's tissue inside. It's interesting because my OB thought my uterus shape wasn't the problem and that I maybe had a clotting disorder. Dr. Patel said he has never seen a clotting disorder AND a bicornuate uterus in the same patient. I might be the rarity, but he doesn't think so. Apparently uterus shape is the first thing they look to in cases of multiple miscarriage and we already know that's what I've got going on. I used to think a heart shape was a good thing...not so much.
Finally, he presented the plan. And I like the plan because it covers every possible scenario of what could be wrong. I want to attack this thing like it's cancer. Dr. Patel takes the aggressive approach which the intense side of me LOVES.
The first thing to do is genetic testing. Matt and I are going to a lab tomorrow morning for what I assume will be either a q-tip DNA swab or a blood draw and they will do all the chromosomal, DNA, genetic testy thingies (technical term) they do. This takes about three weeks.
Next, after two menstrual cycles we go through the next list. So far I'm right on schedule so this should take place mid-June. We start with inserting dye into my uterus and doing an intense ultrasound so we can get a really clear picture of the shape and possible issues. During that same appointment he'll do a complete set of blood work to determine if I have a clotting disorder, some sort of baby attacking lupus or any hormonal imbalances which might play a part. I'll also be tested for thyroid disorders which can cause early aging of my eggs. Finally, he's putting Matt and I on a heavy 10 day dose of antibiotics to kill any possible infections we might have lingering that could harm a growing fetus. We should have some sort of answer and possible next steps within about a week after all these tests are complete.
Are you lost yet? Me too. Basically it goes like this
Test
Test
Test
Test
Test some more
Look at results
Test
If, in the end they can't find anything wrong, they'll send me for a second opinion and I'll start all over.
I've told Matt to stay far away from me until we get some answers because if I get pregnant again before we get some answers, he'll have some 'splaining to do. Because it is naturally all his fault.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
SERIOUSLY?!
According to "the math" I should be about six weeks pregnant at this point. I've taken two pregnancy tests a week apart to confirm. Both positive. No real morning sickness, absolutely no burning boobies like last time. Paranoia from miscarriage still present. Combine all that together and you have a girl who so badly WANTS to be pregnant but has a feeling she's really not. The non-sore boobs are my dead giveaway.
My OB appointment was this morning. I spent the night praying that everything would be OK but that if it wasn't, I wouldn't freak out. I made Matt say another prayer this morning to help me calm down because I was freaking out. It didn't really work but at least I tried.
We got to the doctor's office and of course they were late opening so we sat in the parking lot for twenty minutes. Blood work, check. Weight...YIKES! I've gained 13 (let me say that again THIRTEEN) pounds since the miscarriage. I almost offed myself right there. We went into the ultrasound room and...
The results were inconclusive. I have a uterine sac but no visible baby or yolk sac. This for sure means I WAS pregnant, but they're not sure I still am. The possibilities are several: A.) I'm not as far along as I think and nothing is visible yet. B.) I was pregnant but the baby didn't make it far enough to implant and my body hasn't caught on yet. C.) I don't know what the hell C is. There's just weird options.
Oh and I have a two to three inch ovarian cyst. AWESOME.
So I go in on Friday for more blood tests to see if my HCG levels are rising. If they are, we're probably good. If they're falling, miscarriage numero dos. If they're stable then something very odd is happening in the land of my uterus.
The cyst is supposedly not a threat and should pop or shrink or whatever on its own. Might be painful, might not be.
So we wait until Friday. I've been on the Google trying to see what people are saying about similar ultrasound results and the general consensus is that I'm probably not as far along as I think I am and things should be fine.
I currently am at war with my uterus but it's winning and I'm super pissed about it. I'm not sure if I can do the miscarriage thing again so I'm just really, really, really hoping that damn baby was hiding in there somewhere. However, I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst.
This blows. Apparently I can't just get pregnant and BE pregnant. I have to go through the circus of mystery (now with a side of cyst!).
My OB appointment was this morning. I spent the night praying that everything would be OK but that if it wasn't, I wouldn't freak out. I made Matt say another prayer this morning to help me calm down because I was freaking out. It didn't really work but at least I tried.
We got to the doctor's office and of course they were late opening so we sat in the parking lot for twenty minutes. Blood work, check. Weight...YIKES! I've gained 13 (let me say that again THIRTEEN) pounds since the miscarriage. I almost offed myself right there. We went into the ultrasound room and...
The results were inconclusive. I have a uterine sac but no visible baby or yolk sac. This for sure means I WAS pregnant, but they're not sure I still am. The possibilities are several: A.) I'm not as far along as I think and nothing is visible yet. B.) I was pregnant but the baby didn't make it far enough to implant and my body hasn't caught on yet. C.) I don't know what the hell C is. There's just weird options.
Oh and I have a two to three inch ovarian cyst. AWESOME.
So I go in on Friday for more blood tests to see if my HCG levels are rising. If they are, we're probably good. If they're falling, miscarriage numero dos. If they're stable then something very odd is happening in the land of my uterus.
The cyst is supposedly not a threat and should pop or shrink or whatever on its own. Might be painful, might not be.
So we wait until Friday. I've been on the Google trying to see what people are saying about similar ultrasound results and the general consensus is that I'm probably not as far along as I think I am and things should be fine.
I currently am at war with my uterus but it's winning and I'm super pissed about it. I'm not sure if I can do the miscarriage thing again so I'm just really, really, really hoping that damn baby was hiding in there somewhere. However, I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst.
This blows. Apparently I can't just get pregnant and BE pregnant. I have to go through the circus of mystery (now with a side of cyst!).
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Moments
Most days I'm totally fine. I'm happy and healthy and doing all the things I want to do.
Then there's days where I'm just not fine. Not really days, actually. Moments.
Two weeks after the miscarriage was the hardest because everyone who was due at the end of January like me started announcing their pregnancies. It seemed like EVERYONE was pregnant all of a sudden and due the same week I was. It made me feel really empty. There were lots of bad moments during that week or two.
I've had a lot of bad moments these last few weeks because now I'd be twenty weeks and we'd know for sure what kind of little peanut we'd be having. And of course everyone who announced they were pregnant is finding out too. So I'm sort of assaulted by "It's a Girl!" or "It's got a weiner!" blog and Facebook posts.
Today someone whose blog I read who struggled with infertility for years, then adopted, THEN found out she was pregnant is now pregnant again and due on my due date. She found out today she's having a girl and I was so excited for her...and then I was mad and I started crying.
I cannot even imagine what this world of pregnant women is like for women who can't have babies at all. Right now I often feel like I'm being punched in the face by pregnancy and I know I can at least get pregnant. I don't think I could take an entire life of this so I really pray this miscarriage was a one time thing.
It took two months for my cycle to start up again. I was almost convinced I was pregnant again and the day I was going to go get a pregnancy test, the flood gates opened. (Sorry, had to be said.) Two months to the day. It was so bad I had to stay home from work for a day.
I'm a planner, we all know this. I've basically "planned" that we have about an eight week window to get pregnant before I put the x-nay on the aby-bay for a few months. I live in Phoenix, right? The thought of being hugely pregnant during the hellish summer months is enough to make me want to NEVER be pregnant. Then I start thinking about if I really want to start that up again right now. I'm not sure I'm emotionally to the point where I want to do that again. Plus, this time it's going to be a huge emotional roller coaster because I'll be freaking out every day wondering if I've lost the baby. I'm not looking forward to that part at all. If I can even get pregnant.
Who knows.
Most moments I'm great. Some moments I'm eh. This moment I'm mad. I just sort of want that feeling to go away forever, but I'm starting to realize it never will. January 28th will forever be the day my first baby was supposed to be born. That's going to be a day full of hard moments.
Until then I'm going to try to make great ones.
Then there's days where I'm just not fine. Not really days, actually. Moments.
Two weeks after the miscarriage was the hardest because everyone who was due at the end of January like me started announcing their pregnancies. It seemed like EVERYONE was pregnant all of a sudden and due the same week I was. It made me feel really empty. There were lots of bad moments during that week or two.
I've had a lot of bad moments these last few weeks because now I'd be twenty weeks and we'd know for sure what kind of little peanut we'd be having. And of course everyone who announced they were pregnant is finding out too. So I'm sort of assaulted by "It's a Girl!" or "It's got a weiner!" blog and Facebook posts.
Today someone whose blog I read who struggled with infertility for years, then adopted, THEN found out she was pregnant is now pregnant again and due on my due date. She found out today she's having a girl and I was so excited for her...and then I was mad and I started crying.
I cannot even imagine what this world of pregnant women is like for women who can't have babies at all. Right now I often feel like I'm being punched in the face by pregnancy and I know I can at least get pregnant. I don't think I could take an entire life of this so I really pray this miscarriage was a one time thing.
It took two months for my cycle to start up again. I was almost convinced I was pregnant again and the day I was going to go get a pregnancy test, the flood gates opened. (Sorry, had to be said.) Two months to the day. It was so bad I had to stay home from work for a day.
I'm a planner, we all know this. I've basically "planned" that we have about an eight week window to get pregnant before I put the x-nay on the aby-bay for a few months. I live in Phoenix, right? The thought of being hugely pregnant during the hellish summer months is enough to make me want to NEVER be pregnant. Then I start thinking about if I really want to start that up again right now. I'm not sure I'm emotionally to the point where I want to do that again. Plus, this time it's going to be a huge emotional roller coaster because I'll be freaking out every day wondering if I've lost the baby. I'm not looking forward to that part at all. If I can even get pregnant.
Who knows.
Most moments I'm great. Some moments I'm eh. This moment I'm mad. I just sort of want that feeling to go away forever, but I'm starting to realize it never will. January 28th will forever be the day my first baby was supposed to be born. That's going to be a day full of hard moments.
Until then I'm going to try to make great ones.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Saying Goodbye
We lost our baby on Wednesday. Well, actually several weeks before that, but my body didn't really get the memo until Wednesday. It started as brown spotting which everyone says is no problem, just fine. After lunch it was no longer "no problem, just fine" and we rushed to the doctors office. Our fears were confirmed as we saw the tiny baby disconnected from it's home on the side of my uterus and laying at the bottom with no heartbeat.
I think I knew this was coming. I kept telling people that I wasn't sick enough or tired enough to be nine weeks pregnant. They told me maybe I was just lucky. As much as I hoped that would be true, I think deep down I just knew this baby wasn't going to make it. So, finding out we'd lost it wasn't as hard as I think it might have been or might be for other women. I was sad and there was definitely crying and aching from a place I didn't know existed, but overall I felt very at peace with what had taken place. Earlier in this blog I mentioned our friend who lost her baby at seven months. I cannot imagine knowing this child's movements, their face, their name . . . having the nursery almost complete and clothes hanging in the closet. If it was going to happen, this was the time. I felt connected to this baby in a way I cannot put into words but it still was a little surreal to me and I think that made losing it just a little bit easier. I'd so much rather have gone through this than about ten thousand other scenarios that keep going through my head. Peace laced with sadness would be the way I would describe my emotions.
The doctor gave us two options, D&C or wait it out and let the body do what it is made to do. One would be over quickly but expensive. The other would be painful and unpredictable, taking up to two weeks to complete. We went home with the intent of waiting it out but that just didn't sit right with me. I started researching and found that sometimes Cytotec was used to help hurry along the natural miscarriage process. I asked for that option. The doctor stated that Cytotec would make an already painful outlook even more so and that I would absolutely need to take a Percocet with my Cytotec. He also told me that there was no guarantee the medication would work and that I might be in pain for nothing. However, I was already bleeding which usually means that my body was close to doing it's own thing anyway, so I just decided to give it a try.
After filling my prescriptions for the Cytotec and the necessary Percocet, I went home to wait it out. I was told this was going to be extremely painful and everything I read online confirmed that in stronger words. "Worst pain of my life" was used more than once. I have a high pain threshold so I figured I could handle it. My first six hours were basically like menstrual cramps and I thought maybe these people were pansies. Little did I know that I would literally be in the worst pain of my life the six hours after that. There were points, as I was literally sweating from the pain, that I wished I could just die for a few minutes to escape what was going on. Right at about hour ten and a half, when the pain was the worst, the miscarriage seems to have officially taken place. I don't know how painful a natural miscarriage would have been, so I guess I can't officially say that taking the Cytotec was worth it, but I can tell you that I have never been as relieved as the moment I knew the worst was over and there would be no more waiting. My sister was an angel sent from God. She massaged my back and legs and with her recently acquired nursing degree she helped me verify everything that was happening every step of the way. She slept with me and calmed me and even cleaned up after me when it was all I could do to crawl to my bed and cry.
While I needed my sister to be my nurse, I needed my husband to be there to mourn with me and hold me and help me mentally feel better. I'm so indescribably grateful for the amazing man that I married. There are those moments in life where you realize you had no idea how much your spouse loves you and this was one of them. I see my husband through different eyes and I love him more than I ever thought possible through this experience. He is my solid foundation and I think I would have died without him. He doesn't say much and I know he was hurting as well, but he put all that aside to be there for me and I cannot find the words to say thank you to him.
I was so grateful I chose the option that I did and that I was done so quickly. I think it really helped me start moving past the situation and allowed me to work with Matt to decide what was next. Over the next two days there would be more cramping, etc. (I'm just going to leave it at "etc" and spare you the gory details) but nothing like that six hours. I feel I can safely say I'm done and my body is starting to recover. I'm a bit anemic and tired but other than that I'm finally starting to feel like myself again.
In our religion, we believe that any children that are lost, be they embryo, fetus, baby, toddler, child, tween or teenager, will be ours to raise in eternity. Despite my not being as attached as I maybe could or should have been, this gives me comfort. That little beating heart that Matt and I created together is our child. It's ours to love and think of and miss and someday nurture and watch grow into someone amazing. I can't wait to someday meet him or her.
I hope that nothing I say here in any way discounts what other women have been through. This was my experience, my pain, my loss and my journey alone to share with my husband. I am grateful that I have a resilient personality and I'm not huddled in a pile on the floor, but I completely sympathize with someone who might have experience those emotions. I learned a lot this week about who I am and what I am capable of. I know I couldn't do it without the people that God has put in my life to buoy me up. I count myself as a strong person, but time and time again I am shown that none of us are strong enough to get through the pains of life alone and I'm so grateful for the wonderful souls who act as my life boat.
I come away from this with a better knowledge of what I want from life and how to accomplish it. I have a new focus and determination to do things in a better way. Some people are probably expecting a huge change from me, and I'm sorry to disappoint them but that's not the focus I found. There will be no 180 degree turns from this girl. There will be a greater joy in the goals I had and the new goals I will make. There will be more love in my home and more appreciation for things I may have overlooked. I am, in a way, angry that I had to go through this but more than that I am thankful for this trial because it has shown me so much about who I can be.
So that is my story. And this blog, despite what I originally thought, will not go away. I will continue to document my growth as a person and hopefully someday as a mother, but that part will have to wait.
Goodbye, baby. I love you forever and I'm thankful for all you've taught me in six short weeks. I hope to feel you watching over me and your family until we meet again.
Love,
Momma
I think I knew this was coming. I kept telling people that I wasn't sick enough or tired enough to be nine weeks pregnant. They told me maybe I was just lucky. As much as I hoped that would be true, I think deep down I just knew this baby wasn't going to make it. So, finding out we'd lost it wasn't as hard as I think it might have been or might be for other women. I was sad and there was definitely crying and aching from a place I didn't know existed, but overall I felt very at peace with what had taken place. Earlier in this blog I mentioned our friend who lost her baby at seven months. I cannot imagine knowing this child's movements, their face, their name . . . having the nursery almost complete and clothes hanging in the closet. If it was going to happen, this was the time. I felt connected to this baby in a way I cannot put into words but it still was a little surreal to me and I think that made losing it just a little bit easier. I'd so much rather have gone through this than about ten thousand other scenarios that keep going through my head. Peace laced with sadness would be the way I would describe my emotions.
The doctor gave us two options, D&C or wait it out and let the body do what it is made to do. One would be over quickly but expensive. The other would be painful and unpredictable, taking up to two weeks to complete. We went home with the intent of waiting it out but that just didn't sit right with me. I started researching and found that sometimes Cytotec was used to help hurry along the natural miscarriage process. I asked for that option. The doctor stated that Cytotec would make an already painful outlook even more so and that I would absolutely need to take a Percocet with my Cytotec. He also told me that there was no guarantee the medication would work and that I might be in pain for nothing. However, I was already bleeding which usually means that my body was close to doing it's own thing anyway, so I just decided to give it a try.
After filling my prescriptions for the Cytotec and the necessary Percocet, I went home to wait it out. I was told this was going to be extremely painful and everything I read online confirmed that in stronger words. "Worst pain of my life" was used more than once. I have a high pain threshold so I figured I could handle it. My first six hours were basically like menstrual cramps and I thought maybe these people were pansies. Little did I know that I would literally be in the worst pain of my life the six hours after that. There were points, as I was literally sweating from the pain, that I wished I could just die for a few minutes to escape what was going on. Right at about hour ten and a half, when the pain was the worst, the miscarriage seems to have officially taken place. I don't know how painful a natural miscarriage would have been, so I guess I can't officially say that taking the Cytotec was worth it, but I can tell you that I have never been as relieved as the moment I knew the worst was over and there would be no more waiting. My sister was an angel sent from God. She massaged my back and legs and with her recently acquired nursing degree she helped me verify everything that was happening every step of the way. She slept with me and calmed me and even cleaned up after me when it was all I could do to crawl to my bed and cry.
While I needed my sister to be my nurse, I needed my husband to be there to mourn with me and hold me and help me mentally feel better. I'm so indescribably grateful for the amazing man that I married. There are those moments in life where you realize you had no idea how much your spouse loves you and this was one of them. I see my husband through different eyes and I love him more than I ever thought possible through this experience. He is my solid foundation and I think I would have died without him. He doesn't say much and I know he was hurting as well, but he put all that aside to be there for me and I cannot find the words to say thank you to him.
I was so grateful I chose the option that I did and that I was done so quickly. I think it really helped me start moving past the situation and allowed me to work with Matt to decide what was next. Over the next two days there would be more cramping, etc. (I'm just going to leave it at "etc" and spare you the gory details) but nothing like that six hours. I feel I can safely say I'm done and my body is starting to recover. I'm a bit anemic and tired but other than that I'm finally starting to feel like myself again.
In our religion, we believe that any children that are lost, be they embryo, fetus, baby, toddler, child, tween or teenager, will be ours to raise in eternity. Despite my not being as attached as I maybe could or should have been, this gives me comfort. That little beating heart that Matt and I created together is our child. It's ours to love and think of and miss and someday nurture and watch grow into someone amazing. I can't wait to someday meet him or her.
I hope that nothing I say here in any way discounts what other women have been through. This was my experience, my pain, my loss and my journey alone to share with my husband. I am grateful that I have a resilient personality and I'm not huddled in a pile on the floor, but I completely sympathize with someone who might have experience those emotions. I learned a lot this week about who I am and what I am capable of. I know I couldn't do it without the people that God has put in my life to buoy me up. I count myself as a strong person, but time and time again I am shown that none of us are strong enough to get through the pains of life alone and I'm so grateful for the wonderful souls who act as my life boat.
I come away from this with a better knowledge of what I want from life and how to accomplish it. I have a new focus and determination to do things in a better way. Some people are probably expecting a huge change from me, and I'm sorry to disappoint them but that's not the focus I found. There will be no 180 degree turns from this girl. There will be a greater joy in the goals I had and the new goals I will make. There will be more love in my home and more appreciation for things I may have overlooked. I am, in a way, angry that I had to go through this but more than that I am thankful for this trial because it has shown me so much about who I can be.
So that is my story. And this blog, despite what I originally thought, will not go away. I will continue to document my growth as a person and hopefully someday as a mother, but that part will have to wait.
Goodbye, baby. I love you forever and I'm thankful for all you've taught me in six short weeks. I hope to feel you watching over me and your family until we meet again.
Love,
Momma
Monday, June 28, 2010
Week Boring
Ok so Google Images needs to get it's crap together. Every week I go and do a search for a picture of the fetus to see what it looks like at that point in the pregnancy . . . and the same pictures keep showing up! I'm fairly certain now that the picture I have on here for six weeks? Is a fetus ready to be born. Ok I know it's not but sheesh! I just want someone to have a week by week picture of the unborn alien. I don't want to guess whether or not it's right and accurate.
I am officially nine weeks. For some reason it feels like a big milestone. Only three more weeks of the first trimester, and the baby made all sorts of human-like progress this week. According to Google -- which I no longer believe in -- the baby is the size of a prune. It has it's "parts" and if we're lucky, we might be able to see them/it at the next appointment. Well, if it's a boy (WHICH IT'S NOT) it should be noticeable. If it's a girl (AS IT IS) they'll probably be hesitant to tell me for sure. It's head is still massive compared to the body and not quite straightened out (which if ANY of the pictures are right is sort of hilarious, don't get mad. It's poor face is smooshed into it's chest), and it's just starting to get little finger and toe buds. It's having spasm movements which for some reason strikes me as so funny. I just picture this tiny alien looking thing wigging out in my uterus.
More and more people are in the know. I told the girls on our trip this weekend. Rhonda seriously looked pissed at me, I was scared. There was lots of squealing and happiness. I've told a few more friends and extended family is finding out from other family. Three more weeks and I'll start telling people for realsies. It seems to be taking forever to get there and I'm not even sure I want people to know right away. A friend of mine was pregnant with twins and didn't tell anyone at work until five months. I'm wondering if I can get away with that? Probably not. Plus if you know me at all, keeping my mouth shut isn't one of my talents.
On the girl's trip we had much fun but there was also lots of tired from Kate and baby. I'm glad my friends were understanding. I was sort of a downer. However, much to my anger, I was up bright and early at 7 AM every day. I would much rather be early to bed late to rise right now but the incessant need to pee makes it early to bed SUPER early to rise. Awesome. I broke the rules and went on a roller coaster. I KNOW, I'm such a rebel. It was a blast and worth every second. I also ate enough food to keep this baby fed for the rest of the pregnancy. Still no weight gain though! Yay me.
I was asking my Grandma about her pregnancies this weekend. She said she didn't really even show other than a little pooch until she was almost seven months pregnant. Judging from my Mom's not showing until about six months I'm starting to think I'll be late in showing too. I'm starting to like the idea of only having a few months in maternity clothes, but as I've said a million times before, I'm not holding my breath.
Still no real nausea. I feel tired and a wee bit sick which all together equals a general crappy state, but overall I'm counting my blessings. Minor car sickness still hits me every once in a while but it's nothing I can't handle. The other telltale pregnancy symptoms are present but in very mild forms. The boobs have calmed down. The, uh, digestive system seems to be doing OK all things considered. Nine months of slow going isn't going to be pleasant but it's nothing a little bottle of Benefiber can't help, right? Still no food aversions, but I have found that I'm craving Root Beer? So strange. I'm trying to drink mostly water or lemonade but about twice a week I get myself a huge Root Beer and it makes me so happy. I'm also craving salt, which doesn't surprise me considering my already low-ish blood pressure which will only continue to get lower as I get up to 40% more blood in my body. Wheeee!
I can definitely tell I'm more feisty. I almost had it out with my car service guy this morning. Granted, he made a dumb mistake and I would have been mad no matter what, but I was definitely more pissed off than I would have been on a normal day. Also, when I'm cheerful? It's like I'm high on drugs. I am SO HAPPY when I'm happy. I didn't eat lunch today until really late, which would normally cause me to be pissed off at everyone, but today I was in such a good mood and I was practically skipping around the office. Weird.
So um, not much else to report. Body still looks and feels the same. Still working out almost every day. Still feeling good, still halfway don't believe I'm pregnant, though that ultrasound picture obviously tells me otherwise.
Only four million more days to go.
I am officially nine weeks. For some reason it feels like a big milestone. Only three more weeks of the first trimester, and the baby made all sorts of human-like progress this week. According to Google -- which I no longer believe in -- the baby is the size of a prune. It has it's "parts" and if we're lucky, we might be able to see them/it at the next appointment. Well, if it's a boy (WHICH IT'S NOT) it should be noticeable. If it's a girl (AS IT IS) they'll probably be hesitant to tell me for sure. It's head is still massive compared to the body and not quite straightened out (which if ANY of the pictures are right is sort of hilarious, don't get mad. It's poor face is smooshed into it's chest), and it's just starting to get little finger and toe buds. It's having spasm movements which for some reason strikes me as so funny. I just picture this tiny alien looking thing wigging out in my uterus.
More and more people are in the know. I told the girls on our trip this weekend. Rhonda seriously looked pissed at me, I was scared. There was lots of squealing and happiness. I've told a few more friends and extended family is finding out from other family. Three more weeks and I'll start telling people for realsies. It seems to be taking forever to get there and I'm not even sure I want people to know right away. A friend of mine was pregnant with twins and didn't tell anyone at work until five months. I'm wondering if I can get away with that? Probably not. Plus if you know me at all, keeping my mouth shut isn't one of my talents.
On the girl's trip we had much fun but there was also lots of tired from Kate and baby. I'm glad my friends were understanding. I was sort of a downer. However, much to my anger, I was up bright and early at 7 AM every day. I would much rather be early to bed late to rise right now but the incessant need to pee makes it early to bed SUPER early to rise. Awesome. I broke the rules and went on a roller coaster. I KNOW, I'm such a rebel. It was a blast and worth every second. I also ate enough food to keep this baby fed for the rest of the pregnancy. Still no weight gain though! Yay me.
I was asking my Grandma about her pregnancies this weekend. She said she didn't really even show other than a little pooch until she was almost seven months pregnant. Judging from my Mom's not showing until about six months I'm starting to think I'll be late in showing too. I'm starting to like the idea of only having a few months in maternity clothes, but as I've said a million times before, I'm not holding my breath.
Still no real nausea. I feel tired and a wee bit sick which all together equals a general crappy state, but overall I'm counting my blessings. Minor car sickness still hits me every once in a while but it's nothing I can't handle. The other telltale pregnancy symptoms are present but in very mild forms. The boobs have calmed down. The, uh, digestive system seems to be doing OK all things considered. Nine months of slow going isn't going to be pleasant but it's nothing a little bottle of Benefiber can't help, right? Still no food aversions, but I have found that I'm craving Root Beer? So strange. I'm trying to drink mostly water or lemonade but about twice a week I get myself a huge Root Beer and it makes me so happy. I'm also craving salt, which doesn't surprise me considering my already low-ish blood pressure which will only continue to get lower as I get up to 40% more blood in my body. Wheeee!
I can definitely tell I'm more feisty. I almost had it out with my car service guy this morning. Granted, he made a dumb mistake and I would have been mad no matter what, but I was definitely more pissed off than I would have been on a normal day. Also, when I'm cheerful? It's like I'm high on drugs. I am SO HAPPY when I'm happy. I didn't eat lunch today until really late, which would normally cause me to be pissed off at everyone, but today I was in such a good mood and I was practically skipping around the office. Weird.
So um, not much else to report. Body still looks and feels the same. Still working out almost every day. Still feeling good, still halfway don't believe I'm pregnant, though that ultrasound picture obviously tells me otherwise.
Only four million more days to go.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
SUPREEESE!
I only took the pee test because I wanted to know if I had to take tampons to the cabin that day. I'm not sure WHAT I was thinking, doing something like that right before I was leaving to spend almost three days with my girlfriends. Chalk that up to one more reason why I'm a big dummy.
We'd had five years without the hint of an accident. We'd never been irresponsible or even close to it when it came to the possibility of a pregnancy. Plus, we'd both wondered if maybe we couldn't have kids. I mean, most of my friends had accidents and we never had. Maybe our baby makers were broken! Until Mother's Day. And then, I just figured that ONE TIME not being careful in five years doesn't a baby make.
**Pause for laughter from the crowd.**
Once again, Kate is a big dummy.
The first test took 30 seconds to blast me with a "Pregnant." I stared at it and kept waiting for the "NOT" part to appear on the screen. It wasn't happening and to be honest, I sort of felt like the pregnancy test had ripped me off. I was SUPPOSED to have THREE MINUTES to contemplate the universe before I got my answer. I ripped the second test out of it's wrapper and tried again. Lucky me, I was out of pee. "Error" flashed on the screen this time - or a little book of some sort implying error. Error? ERROR???? What.The.Hell.
I took a second to breathe and clear my head and grabbed my keys and drove as fast as I could to the pharmacy. Ice and pregnancy tests. Ice and pregnancy tests. Lots and lots of pregnancy tests.
Pregnant.
Pregnant.
Pregnant.
Well, sh*t. These tests weren't messing around.
I called Matt at work, trying to keep it together so I didn't scare him.
"So, um, what time are you coming home?"
"Well dear it's 4:00. Probably not leaving for an hour."
"How about you come home now *sniffle*"
"What's wrong?"
"IneedyoutocomehomenowbecauseI'm . . .*sob* . . .um . . . *sob, sob* . . . I'mPREGNANT*sobsobsobsob*"
I couldn't decide how to feel so I was crying. Part of me was FREAKING OUT. Part of me was really excited. Part of me was already mourning the awesome life of dual income, no kids. Honest to goodness, I started mourning the loss of my BMW. Shallow? Absolutely but dangit I LOVE THAT CAR and I know it's gotta go. If my child ever reads this, I hope they appreciate my shallow honesty. I'm a planner. Everything in my life is according to a plan. THIS? Not in the plan until October. ITALY was in the plan. Well, originally Greece but then they went all bankrupt and started rioting and all that good stuff so we moved a little west. Pasta and St. Peter's and The David and Gelato were all in the plan. Cribs and nursery's and car seats were supposed to come after that.
Needless to say he came home right away.
I think Matt was sharing my emotions but he was oh so much calmer. This was expected since it's part of the reason I married him. He was sweet and reassuring and all the things a great husband should be. We sat and talked for a little while and then I had to leave.
Keeping my mouth shut was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I am an open book kind of person. Not sharing a HUGE secret like this was very, very hard for my big mouth. Especially when three of the girls had brand new babies and there was a lot of talk about the misery of pregnancy. I hope none of the girls feel bad when they see this but I? Sort of wanted to shoot myself a few times.
It's been ten days and the news has started to settle. I had to tell my dentist this morning since I was about to be all numbed up. He was very excited for me but told me his wife didn't get excited until about 8-10 weeks with all her pregnancies. It made me feel a little less like a freak.
So far my symptoms include exhaustion and EXHAUSTION. Oh, and I have to pee a lot. I have only been nauseous a couple of times and it's mostly in the car. It's got to be a symptom because I never get car sick, but other than that I have no food or smell aversions, no morning sickness or any of that.
We haven't told anyone yet. My Mom is probably going to die of a heart attack when I tell her. Seriously. I can hear the screaming and fainting now. It feels like EVERYONE knows even though they don't. Since we found out it feels like everyone is asking when we're thinking about having kids. The best lie I can muster is "soon."
My first appointment is tomorrow. My favorite OB in the whole widest world doesn't take my new insurance so I'm on the hunt for a new doctor. I have lots of recommendations but so far the one who does an ultrasound whenever you want one sound the most appealing.
By the way, it's going to be a girl. I don't think I can handle TWO deviations from the life plan this year so I'm just putting that out there in the universe. Again, if this tiny fetus is a boy and reading this someday just know that both my Mom and I always felt like a girl would come first. If I'm wrong, expect some tears and some time getting used to it and then I'll jump into boy mode with all my soul.
If I did the math right the due date is January 24th. Again, not part of the plan because I firmly believe all children should be born AT LEAST two months away from Christmas but apparently God has other ideas. I'd show you my surprised face if I could.
I'm going to try to keep the pregnancy talk to a minimum over at the original Kateastrophe. This will be my place to whine about my stretch marks and my fat face and my aches and pains. I figured it was better this way. I probably won't be sharing names or any intimate details, but I'm still not sure. I might turn this into a private blog eventually but who knows. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I'm not a very private person.
So, here goes. Let the incubation begin!
We'd had five years without the hint of an accident. We'd never been irresponsible or even close to it when it came to the possibility of a pregnancy. Plus, we'd both wondered if maybe we couldn't have kids. I mean, most of my friends had accidents and we never had. Maybe our baby makers were broken! Until Mother's Day. And then, I just figured that ONE TIME not being careful in five years doesn't a baby make.
**Pause for laughter from the crowd.**
Once again, Kate is a big dummy.
The first test took 30 seconds to blast me with a "Pregnant." I stared at it and kept waiting for the "NOT" part to appear on the screen. It wasn't happening and to be honest, I sort of felt like the pregnancy test had ripped me off. I was SUPPOSED to have THREE MINUTES to contemplate the universe before I got my answer. I ripped the second test out of it's wrapper and tried again. Lucky me, I was out of pee. "Error" flashed on the screen this time - or a little book of some sort implying error. Error? ERROR???? What.The.Hell.
I took a second to breathe and clear my head and grabbed my keys and drove as fast as I could to the pharmacy. Ice and pregnancy tests. Ice and pregnancy tests. Lots and lots of pregnancy tests.
Pregnant.
Pregnant.
Pregnant.
Well, sh*t. These tests weren't messing around.
I called Matt at work, trying to keep it together so I didn't scare him.
"So, um, what time are you coming home?"
"Well dear it's 4:00. Probably not leaving for an hour."
"How about you come home now *sniffle*"
"What's wrong?"
"IneedyoutocomehomenowbecauseI'm . . .*sob* . . .um . . . *sob, sob* . . . I'mPREGNANT*sobsobsobsob*"
I couldn't decide how to feel so I was crying. Part of me was FREAKING OUT. Part of me was really excited. Part of me was already mourning the awesome life of dual income, no kids. Honest to goodness, I started mourning the loss of my BMW. Shallow? Absolutely but dangit I LOVE THAT CAR and I know it's gotta go. If my child ever reads this, I hope they appreciate my shallow honesty. I'm a planner. Everything in my life is according to a plan. THIS? Not in the plan until October. ITALY was in the plan. Well, originally Greece but then they went all bankrupt and started rioting and all that good stuff so we moved a little west. Pasta and St. Peter's and The David and Gelato were all in the plan. Cribs and nursery's and car seats were supposed to come after that.
Needless to say he came home right away.
I think Matt was sharing my emotions but he was oh so much calmer. This was expected since it's part of the reason I married him. He was sweet and reassuring and all the things a great husband should be. We sat and talked for a little while and then I had to leave.
Keeping my mouth shut was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I am an open book kind of person. Not sharing a HUGE secret like this was very, very hard for my big mouth. Especially when three of the girls had brand new babies and there was a lot of talk about the misery of pregnancy. I hope none of the girls feel bad when they see this but I? Sort of wanted to shoot myself a few times.
It's been ten days and the news has started to settle. I had to tell my dentist this morning since I was about to be all numbed up. He was very excited for me but told me his wife didn't get excited until about 8-10 weeks with all her pregnancies. It made me feel a little less like a freak.
So far my symptoms include exhaustion and EXHAUSTION. Oh, and I have to pee a lot. I have only been nauseous a couple of times and it's mostly in the car. It's got to be a symptom because I never get car sick, but other than that I have no food or smell aversions, no morning sickness or any of that.
We haven't told anyone yet. My Mom is probably going to die of a heart attack when I tell her. Seriously. I can hear the screaming and fainting now. It feels like EVERYONE knows even though they don't. Since we found out it feels like everyone is asking when we're thinking about having kids. The best lie I can muster is "soon."
My first appointment is tomorrow. My favorite OB in the whole widest world doesn't take my new insurance so I'm on the hunt for a new doctor. I have lots of recommendations but so far the one who does an ultrasound whenever you want one sound the most appealing.
By the way, it's going to be a girl. I don't think I can handle TWO deviations from the life plan this year so I'm just putting that out there in the universe. Again, if this tiny fetus is a boy and reading this someday just know that both my Mom and I always felt like a girl would come first. If I'm wrong, expect some tears and some time getting used to it and then I'll jump into boy mode with all my soul.
If I did the math right the due date is January 24th. Again, not part of the plan because I firmly believe all children should be born AT LEAST two months away from Christmas but apparently God has other ideas. I'd show you my surprised face if I could.
I'm going to try to keep the pregnancy talk to a minimum over at the original Kateastrophe. This will be my place to whine about my stretch marks and my fat face and my aches and pains. I figured it was better this way. I probably won't be sharing names or any intimate details, but I'm still not sure. I might turn this into a private blog eventually but who knows. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I'm not a very private person.
So, here goes. Let the incubation begin!
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