Beating Heart

We had our second ultrasound with the fertility specialist yesterday.  I thought I was seven weeks and three days but they said six weeks and three days.  This pushed my due date back a few days to July 23rd but we saw an embryo and a strong heartbeat - 123 bpm. 

I feel jaded and horrible but people kept congratulating me and I couldn't even say thank you.  I realize their office spends so much time with couples who CAN'T get pregnant so seeing that heartbeat is such a huge deal.  To me, unfortunately, getting pregnant and seeing that heartbeat is par for the painful course.  I wish it wasn't and I wish there was a thrill and a joy in seeing that tiny person with that tiny heart pumping blood through it's little body, but right now there's just not.  I am glad to see it, I'm glad to know that Matt and I were once able to create something so awesome, but I can't get excited because so much of me is so terrified that this one will go away too.

I walked through the lobby of that office filled with women who would be so excited to have that little ultrasound picture in their hands and I felt like I had to hide it since I couldn't muster up any excitement whatsoever.

Now, as for the pregnancy itself, it's been a bit different than the others in that I have weird stomach issues.  It's not horrible and I haven't thrown up but I definitely feel gross right after I eat.  It's highly possible that this is one of the many side effects of the Progesterone, since that's a big difference too.  I'm tired at about 7:00 every night but if I push through that I can get to about 10:00, which I wasn't able to do the other times.  Everything else is pretty similar to the other pregnancies.  No food aversions, I'm able to work out every day but I try not to push it too hard.  Right now I'm doing the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred, which I think works perfectly because it's short and has strength training.  Matt and I are also going for walks a few times a week which helps me to get some extra energy and stay awake like a normal person.

I can definitely tell the hormones are raging.  I'm easily irritated and extraordinarily emotional.  Again, this could be partially due to the progesterone and my weaning off (now I'm completely off) my anti-depressant, which definitely left me feeling emotional for the first little while.  I'm sure the emotion and anxiety are still there since all of this isn't exactly happy and relaxing for me so that might be part of it but also, hi, pregnancy hormones.  Welcome to my life.  Again.

I wanted to insert a quick word about why I quit the anti-depressants.  The particular pill I was on - Celexa - is listed as safe for pregnancy, but I felt that if I could survive without it, it would be better for me not to be on anything except prescriptions aimed at me keeping this baby.  I have taken the same stance with my allergy meds.  My OB made the point during the last pregnancy that if I could survive without anything extra then if I lost the baby I wouldn't have those things to point to and feel guilty about.  Especially since I already feel guilty about everything anyway.  So, there's that.

So, that's that.  I'm so full of happiness and light, right?  Wah wahhhh.