I'm almost through week eleven and the first trimester has hit me square in the baby maker. I am still fighting off the weird remnants of the stupid cold I've had for almost three weeks now, so that's been fun. Also, my stomach issues are officially the fault of my digestive system which has decided it gets the fact that there's a weird alien thing taking up space and sending out weird hormone signals. I swore to myself that I would be SO GRATEFUL if I was sick during my pregnancy, and believe me, I am. I'm so glad to know that the hormones are doing their thing and that it means that most likely this will be THE ONE that actually works out but ohmygosh I feel like poo. Very grateful poo.
My sick has been different than I've heard about from most pregnant women. I don't feel so much nauseous as I do like my insides want to remove themselves from my body. There's cramping and gas pains and more cramping and then all of a sudden I'm SO HUNGRY I CAN'T BREATHE but I'm not in the mood for anything. This happened to me the last time...nothing sounded good. This time it's that times ten. I have to force myself to eat anything. It's not that it looks or smells gross, it's just that it's...food. Food is not interesting until it's in my mouth. Then my body is like "Ohhhhhhh this stuff. Yes, I like." So once I start eating, I'm good. It's just getting to that point. Then a couple of hours later as my intestines encounter the food I regret every single bite. And add in the typical pregnancy stop-up issue and we have some serious confusion going on inside. Let's just say I'm very lucky that I can do most of my job from the couch because that's where I spend most of my time. In my Disney sweats.
I still haven't encountered the beautiful glowy skin many women speak of. I've been breaking out all over and the progesterone is making things even more awesome with the weird facial hair that grows from nothing to frightening overnight. Winning!
So let's sum this up. Sweats + Couch + Acne + Weird Facial Hair = I'm so pretty.
On the upside, my hair has never been more awesome. Now if I could just get away with wearing it Cousin It style and JUST showing my hair. Hmm, not a bad idea.
I haven't mentioned on this blog yet that we got a puppy. He's an adorable French Bulldog who is white with black spots. He will be about nine weeks old when we bring him home next week. I'm super excited for lots of reasons but not so excited to potty train, but I guess it's decent preparation for motherhood, right? Our nice neighbor gave us a crate for him so that's an extra few bucks we'll save. It's more like a doggie play pen with a top than a crate, if I'm being honest. It's nice and big and light and should be perfect for our little buddy. We have no idea what we're going to name him yet but I'm sure it will be awesome.
My NT screening is next Wednesday. As much as I'd hoped we would be able to schedule it out a few more weeks to have a better chance at getting a peek at the privates, I'm glad to have another ultrasound two weeks after the last one. It really helps with the miscarriage stress. I'm trying to decide if I should get a doppler so I can wake up every morning and check for a heartbeat. Part of me thinks that would be awesome and the other part of me things that might be MORE stressful because what if my placenta is in front and I can't hear it or something like that? Then I'd be a wreck for no reason. I have a friend who lives down the street who owns one so maybe when I finally announce the baby I can ask to borrow it. Who knows.
Well, not much else to report. This is Pregnant Kate Murphy, reporting from the couch. Goodnight.
Showing posts with label Gory Detials. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gory Detials. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Still There!
So, we've completed another successful appointment with a confirmed heartbeat and dancing baby. So far, so good. Even in the long pregnancy, at this point I'd already had a 24 hour bleeding scare. This time? Nada. I'm faithfully taking my meds, itching or no itching, and have been doing my very best to remain relaxed and calm. For the most part I feel great and my pregnancy symptoms have been mellow and manageable.
I had a big fat insurance snafu at my last appointment so we opted not to do the blood work that time around just in case I was going to have to pay cash for it (which was going to be somewhere in the ballpark of $2500) but that has since been worked out so they drew about eight bazillion viles of blood yesterday - waaaayyy more than my last OB ever took. It was almost as bad as the panel they took during the infertility testing. I'm still amazed by the fact that our bodies have enough blood to give that much and still manage to function. For reals. Anyhooters, I'll be interested to see if anything comes out of this blood work. My sister, who's pregnant and due in March, had some thyroid issues and has had several appointments with a specialist because of it.
Matt came with me to my appointment and that turned out to be fun for us to do together. We sat in the ultrasound room and made jokes about just doing the ultrasound ourselves since we'd had so freaking many in the last two years anyway. We then discussed the lube warmer that they had in the room and then laughed when they didn't even use the warm stuff. Matt has decided these ultrasounds must be very uncomfortable and I told him we could do one up him bum just to give him an idea. He politely declined.
I've had some ridiculous cold for almost ten days now. I finally got a Z-pac from my OB yesterday at my appointment but she mentioned that this was probably a virus and would just have to go away on it's own. After the first day of the meds, I'm thinking she's right. I haven't been sick for this long in years and not being able to take my typical cold meds has made it more difficult. The nice part is that the boss has been super easygoing and there's not a lot going on with work right now so I've been able to spend a lot of time resting. It's been super nice although I feel like the world's biggest lazy butt. I slept most of the day on Monday and this morning I haven't left the couch since taking a nice long shower. Between the sickness and the pregnancy I'm fairly certain I could sleep 20 hours a day and be juuuuust fine.
Today I need to make an appointment for my NT screening. This one is new and not something my last OB said anything about. It's usually done between 12-16 weeks and helps determine if the baby has downs syndrome or other chromosomal anomalies. It's also an additional ultrasound which is nice. I'm wondering if I can drag it out a little bit longer and go for more like the 16 week time so that we might have a better chance of finding out the sex a little bit earlier than 20 weeks. I really feel like I'm not going to be able to do anything for this baby until we find out what it is.
I'm also nervous to do anything until we get past where I was last time when I miscarried. That's still the bummer about this whole thing. I can't get excited, I can't get my hopes up, I can't go out and buy a bunch of baby stuff - none of it. It's hard to put into words how all of this feels. Every single time I go to the bathroom or feel any sort of strangeness in my nether-regions, I'm sure that I'm miscarrying. Between normal pregnancy discharge (I am SO sorry to use that word. I thought and thought and couldn't for the life of me think of another) and the progesterone suppository messiness, I run to the bathroom at least twice a day to check for blood. Gas bubbles and normal digestive feelings are all misinterpreted to be cramping and miscarriage. It's nerve wracking and I'm not sure that it will go away until I have a living, breathing baby coming out of my body.
At least fifteen friends announced pregnancies on Facebook on Christmas Eve or Day and I'm fairly certain there are a few more coming. I'm trying hard to be excited for people but once again I find myself a bit resentful. I can't bring myself to announce it because it seems as soon as I do, it's not to far off that I'll lose the baby. I find myself wondering if any of them will lose their babies and part of me wonders if in some strange way that will make me feel better...like I'm not the only one? It's a really horrible way to think and feel but I'm trying to be very honest here about how this all feels and that's a truth about what I'm going through, and that's part of my truth. I've only had one friend lose a baby since my last miscarriage and her situation was SO completely outrageous and unusual I broke down and cried for her the second I found out. I guess that proves there is some compassion about all of this left inside of me, huh? Sometimes I really wonder.
So there's the update. The baby was measuring 9 weeks 5 days but the doctor left my due date at July 23rd since we're in the ball park and due dates usually change a bit as the baby grows anyway. Still not excited about being nine months pregnant in Phoenix in July, but hopefully June 2012 is as balmy and wonderful as last June was so I'll only have one month of being truly hot. With my luck, it will reach 150 in May.
I had a big fat insurance snafu at my last appointment so we opted not to do the blood work that time around just in case I was going to have to pay cash for it (which was going to be somewhere in the ballpark of $2500) but that has since been worked out so they drew about eight bazillion viles of blood yesterday - waaaayyy more than my last OB ever took. It was almost as bad as the panel they took during the infertility testing. I'm still amazed by the fact that our bodies have enough blood to give that much and still manage to function. For reals. Anyhooters, I'll be interested to see if anything comes out of this blood work. My sister, who's pregnant and due in March, had some thyroid issues and has had several appointments with a specialist because of it.
Matt came with me to my appointment and that turned out to be fun for us to do together. We sat in the ultrasound room and made jokes about just doing the ultrasound ourselves since we'd had so freaking many in the last two years anyway. We then discussed the lube warmer that they had in the room and then laughed when they didn't even use the warm stuff. Matt has decided these ultrasounds must be very uncomfortable and I told him we could do one up him bum just to give him an idea. He politely declined.
I've had some ridiculous cold for almost ten days now. I finally got a Z-pac from my OB yesterday at my appointment but she mentioned that this was probably a virus and would just have to go away on it's own. After the first day of the meds, I'm thinking she's right. I haven't been sick for this long in years and not being able to take my typical cold meds has made it more difficult. The nice part is that the boss has been super easygoing and there's not a lot going on with work right now so I've been able to spend a lot of time resting. It's been super nice although I feel like the world's biggest lazy butt. I slept most of the day on Monday and this morning I haven't left the couch since taking a nice long shower. Between the sickness and the pregnancy I'm fairly certain I could sleep 20 hours a day and be juuuuust fine.
Today I need to make an appointment for my NT screening. This one is new and not something my last OB said anything about. It's usually done between 12-16 weeks and helps determine if the baby has downs syndrome or other chromosomal anomalies. It's also an additional ultrasound which is nice. I'm wondering if I can drag it out a little bit longer and go for more like the 16 week time so that we might have a better chance of finding out the sex a little bit earlier than 20 weeks. I really feel like I'm not going to be able to do anything for this baby until we find out what it is.
I'm also nervous to do anything until we get past where I was last time when I miscarried. That's still the bummer about this whole thing. I can't get excited, I can't get my hopes up, I can't go out and buy a bunch of baby stuff - none of it. It's hard to put into words how all of this feels. Every single time I go to the bathroom or feel any sort of strangeness in my nether-regions, I'm sure that I'm miscarrying. Between normal pregnancy discharge (I am SO sorry to use that word. I thought and thought and couldn't for the life of me think of another) and the progesterone suppository messiness, I run to the bathroom at least twice a day to check for blood. Gas bubbles and normal digestive feelings are all misinterpreted to be cramping and miscarriage. It's nerve wracking and I'm not sure that it will go away until I have a living, breathing baby coming out of my body.
At least fifteen friends announced pregnancies on Facebook on Christmas Eve or Day and I'm fairly certain there are a few more coming. I'm trying hard to be excited for people but once again I find myself a bit resentful. I can't bring myself to announce it because it seems as soon as I do, it's not to far off that I'll lose the baby. I find myself wondering if any of them will lose their babies and part of me wonders if in some strange way that will make me feel better...like I'm not the only one? It's a really horrible way to think and feel but I'm trying to be very honest here about how this all feels and that's a truth about what I'm going through, and that's part of my truth. I've only had one friend lose a baby since my last miscarriage and her situation was SO completely outrageous and unusual I broke down and cried for her the second I found out. I guess that proves there is some compassion about all of this left inside of me, huh? Sometimes I really wonder.
So there's the update. The baby was measuring 9 weeks 5 days but the doctor left my due date at July 23rd since we're in the ball park and due dates usually change a bit as the baby grows anyway. Still not excited about being nine months pregnant in Phoenix in July, but hopefully June 2012 is as balmy and wonderful as last June was so I'll only have one month of being truly hot. With my luck, it will reach 150 in May.
Week 9
So, here I am. 9 weeks today. So far, so good.
I had my first appointment with my new OB/GYN last week. I've seen her before, back before there was an inkling of any babies and I loved her. My insurance at my last job wasn't accepted at her office which is why I didn't see her for the pregnancies. Anyway, I'm back to her and she's great. There was a big old disaster mess with my insurance - a story for another day - so I didn't have the complete appointment with blood tests and all of that, but I did get another ultrasound and the baby is measuring right on time for a new and improved July 22nd due date (I know, one day difference, big whoop).
I love this doctor, she seems a little/lot more aggressive than my other OB and she agreed to do an additional ultrasound on the 27th, just for everyone's peace of mind, which is fantastic. I'll have an additional ultrasound two or three weeks after that as part of the screening for down's syndrome and some other things, which is usually done at 12-14 weeks. Depending on how things are going I may try to stretch it out to week 14 or 15 and see if we can get an early gender prediction. The "big" ultrasound comes at 20 weeks and then there's one additional later on. It's not like my last OB with an ultrasound at every appointment, but I am getting a few extras in there, and I bet my doctor would add a few others in if I were to ask. Plus I get to deliver at my top hospital choice in the valley.
I'm still taking the progesterone which is not a party. It's still super itchy and I feel myself getting more and more easily irritated by the day. I'm semi-exhausted but yay for me, one of the side effects of progesterone is trouble sleeping. I have that side effect. I am supposed to put the suppository in right before bed and the inability to sleep seems to kick in about fifteen minutes after insertion (ew, sorry). That means I'll be ready to pass out, head to bed and then BAM. Wide awake for about two hours. Other side effects are also general first trimester side effects so I'm not sure which is which. I have weird bouts of nausea still - but again, no throwing up. My boobies still hurt most of the time. This time is different than the others. It feels more like muscle soreness than the feeling of needles sticking into me that I had before. New on the side effect train are my extra awesome shiny hair and teenage-esque acne. Yay for hair, ugh for zits.
I'm working out almost every day. Still doing the 30-Day Shred but I'm ordering some highly recommended pregnancy DVDs to mix in. So far, other than the massive amount of weight I gained BEFORE I got pregnant, not much going on in the weight department. Apparently they recommend weight gain based on your BMI and I am no longer in the range where 30 lbs is OK. My target is 11-20. I'm really really really hoping I can stay within that range. Maybe even just 11. 11 would be nice. Especially considering my chances of having a 10 pound kid are very likely thanks to Matt's family genes. Party in my uterus.
So that's that. The nine week update. I'll have more after Christmas when I have my next ultrasound.
I had my first appointment with my new OB/GYN last week. I've seen her before, back before there was an inkling of any babies and I loved her. My insurance at my last job wasn't accepted at her office which is why I didn't see her for the pregnancies. Anyway, I'm back to her and she's great. There was a big old disaster mess with my insurance - a story for another day - so I didn't have the complete appointment with blood tests and all of that, but I did get another ultrasound and the baby is measuring right on time for a new and improved July 22nd due date (I know, one day difference, big whoop).
I love this doctor, she seems a little/lot more aggressive than my other OB and she agreed to do an additional ultrasound on the 27th, just for everyone's peace of mind, which is fantastic. I'll have an additional ultrasound two or three weeks after that as part of the screening for down's syndrome and some other things, which is usually done at 12-14 weeks. Depending on how things are going I may try to stretch it out to week 14 or 15 and see if we can get an early gender prediction. The "big" ultrasound comes at 20 weeks and then there's one additional later on. It's not like my last OB with an ultrasound at every appointment, but I am getting a few extras in there, and I bet my doctor would add a few others in if I were to ask. Plus I get to deliver at my top hospital choice in the valley.
I'm still taking the progesterone which is not a party. It's still super itchy and I feel myself getting more and more easily irritated by the day. I'm semi-exhausted but yay for me, one of the side effects of progesterone is trouble sleeping. I have that side effect. I am supposed to put the suppository in right before bed and the inability to sleep seems to kick in about fifteen minutes after insertion (ew, sorry). That means I'll be ready to pass out, head to bed and then BAM. Wide awake for about two hours. Other side effects are also general first trimester side effects so I'm not sure which is which. I have weird bouts of nausea still - but again, no throwing up. My boobies still hurt most of the time. This time is different than the others. It feels more like muscle soreness than the feeling of needles sticking into me that I had before. New on the side effect train are my extra awesome shiny hair and teenage-esque acne. Yay for hair, ugh for zits.
I'm working out almost every day. Still doing the 30-Day Shred but I'm ordering some highly recommended pregnancy DVDs to mix in. So far, other than the massive amount of weight I gained BEFORE I got pregnant, not much going on in the weight department. Apparently they recommend weight gain based on your BMI and I am no longer in the range where 30 lbs is OK. My target is 11-20. I'm really really really hoping I can stay within that range. Maybe even just 11. 11 would be nice. Especially considering my chances of having a 10 pound kid are very likely thanks to Matt's family genes. Party in my uterus.
So that's that. The nine week update. I'll have more after Christmas when I have my next ultrasound.
So Far, So Good. But I've Heard That Before
So I had my first round of blood testing and so far, so good. HCG levels are at 64 - they want them to be at least 50 so we're good to go there. I have another blood test tomorrow to make sure they're doubling.
I used the first progesterone suppository last night. That was...cold. And then goopy. And a bit itchy? So far no unpleasant side effects but the list of possibilities is long and I'm sure I'll have my share of them while I'm taking the progesterone. I made the mistake of googling the side effects last night...I realize I'm very lucky I'm not using the shots and I feel very badly for women who have to do IVF. Some of them do the shots or suppositories three times a day. It's so worth it to get a baby at the end but yowsa.
We head to Utah day after tomorrow for another week with our families. I've realized we have a complication...I have to keep the projesterone cold. Which means in the fridge. This would be fine except for the part where we've decided not to tell our families until at least Christmas. So now I have to figure out how to hide the stupid capsules in the fridge without anyone catching on. Tricky.
The boobies started hurting today. Matt claims it's only because I know I'm pregnant and I'm making it up. I wish I could make his boobs hurt like this and then tell HIM he's making it up. Men.
I'll find out tomorrow about my levels and then we'll have two ultrasounds with the specialist and probably one or two with my OB for good measure. Yay for invasive ultrasounds! Again!
STAY PUT, BABY. STAY PUT.
I used the first progesterone suppository last night. That was...cold. And then goopy. And a bit itchy? So far no unpleasant side effects but the list of possibilities is long and I'm sure I'll have my share of them while I'm taking the progesterone. I made the mistake of googling the side effects last night...I realize I'm very lucky I'm not using the shots and I feel very badly for women who have to do IVF. Some of them do the shots or suppositories three times a day. It's so worth it to get a baby at the end but yowsa.
We head to Utah day after tomorrow for another week with our families. I've realized we have a complication...I have to keep the projesterone cold. Which means in the fridge. This would be fine except for the part where we've decided not to tell our families until at least Christmas. So now I have to figure out how to hide the stupid capsules in the fridge without anyone catching on. Tricky.
The boobies started hurting today. Matt claims it's only because I know I'm pregnant and I'm making it up. I wish I could make his boobs hurt like this and then tell HIM he's making it up. Men.
I'll find out tomorrow about my levels and then we'll have two ultrasounds with the specialist and probably one or two with my OB for good measure. Yay for invasive ultrasounds! Again!
STAY PUT, BABY. STAY PUT.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
The Ugly Details
Well, fail three. I had been writing about this baby again like the other ones but I don't think I can bear to publish those stories right now. I wrote a lot about how I'm feeling on the main blog so I'm going to let that be what it is and I'm going to talk through logistics over here. I don't know that anyone really reads this or if it even matters but now that I've been through three completely different kinds of miscarriage processes I think I need to explain what I went through this time. I'm going no holds barred here so if you don't want gory details, my advice is to click away now.
My options this time were different because the baby was 13 weeks old when it stopped growing. That's too big for a D&C and not super safe for an at home miscarriage. The doctor said that he could either admit me to the hospital and induce labor and I'd essentially have to deliver the baby or he could recommend me to a clinic that does a procedure called a D&E which is similar to a D&C but requires more dilation of the cervix and the extraction of the fetus is done with a vacuum. It's what we've all heard described when we hear about second trimester abortions. The fetus is softened and broken up into pieces to allow it to come out and be disposed of. And in Arizona, the only places we could find that did this procedure were abortion clinics...kindly called family planning clinics. There was one doctor's office that does it too but the red tape to get a referral over there would have taken weeks and they do very few procedures and my doctor felt that the chances of complications were much lower somewhere that performed the procedure often. It sounds like this is only an option for about ten weeks, between weeks 12 and 22 and it's pretty rare to have fetal demise during this period of time in a pregnancy which is why most OB/GYN's don't do a lot of them, if any at all. D&Cs are much more common due to the frequency of a first trimester miscarriage. So, I hated my options but they were what they were.
After hours of crying and mental trauma, we decided to go with the D&E. It was a difficult decision for me because on one hand, the thought of having to deliver my dead baby made me want to throw up. On the other hand, I am Pro Life and having to step foot in an abortion clinic and then handing them $550 also made me want to throw up. As a small aside, I DO NOT like to talk politics or on my blog and I have no desire to have an argument with someone who may feel differently than I do about the topic of abortion. I needed to bring up my personal feelings because they relate to the experience I had but if you disagree with me, please understand that I get that there are many who do and I respectfully disagree. I have educated myself on the topic and at some point when I'm mentally doing better if someone wants to discuss why I feel the way I do, I may be willing to go down that path. Right now is not the time and if I get any emails, they will be ignored. Aside over. We ended up choosing to go with the D&E because of the mental ramifications of delivery in the hospital. I just didn't think I could handle that if there was another option. The D&E was going to be quick and the sedation they use has you awake during the procedure but you are not supposed to remember anything. I liked the idea of having less chance of side effects and I liked the idea of being done with this quickly.
Friday morning we had to stop at the doctor's office and get a Rhogam shot. My blood type is 0- so I have to get this shot every time I miscarry or eventually, when I give birth to prevent my blood from mixing with the babies which might be positive. After that we headed straight to the clinic.
There was a line outside of the office before they opened at 8 am. There was another couple that looked as though they were in our same boat. She was very obviously devastated and had NO desire to be there. With everyone else it was hard to tell for sure, but most looked like they were there for abortions. Heaven help me, I tried not to judge. I tried so hard not to hate these women who were willingly giving up what I wanted so badly but had been denied three times. Sitting in the lobby of the office was hard but I was treated with nothing but kindness and respect by the staff. They had my chart from my doctor and they knew of my situation. I was consoled and lovingly touched and told multiple times how sorry they were for my loss and for my previous losses. I have no complaints about the way that I was treated in the office despite my personal disagreement with their practice.
I was given an ultrasound to determine the size of the fetus as well as the size and placement of the placenta. Sometimes the D&E is a two step procedure where they place dilators in the cervix and then send you home to allow it to open overnight then perform the extraction the next day. In my case, luckily the baby and placenta were small enough that they were able to do the procedure that day. Arizona law does require a 24 hour waiting period for an abortion after consulting with the clinic, but since fetal demise was confirmed, I was outside of these requirements and the waiting period was waived.
After a small wait I was taken back into the procedure room. Matt wasn't allowed to come with me which I'm sure is related to the goriness of the procedure. My one complaint about the clinic is that I was left alone in the room for about five minutes. Granted, it was so I could get undressed from the waist down but being alone in the room with the baby vacuum (NO idea what the technical name is, sorry) sitting right next to me, in a place where women willingly give up their babies every day was almost more than I could bear. Luckily the nurse came in quickly to sedate me so I wasn't alone for long. I was given an IV and then the doctor came in and administered the Twilight Sedation which causes you to be awake and able to follow simple commands during the procedure but causes you to forget everything. The last thing I remember is scooting down the table and putting my legs in VERY cold stirrups. Well, there's about thirty seconds in the middle that I remember some slight discomfort and a loud noise but then the next thing I knew I was walking out the door in a lovely pair of mesh undies.
I was taken to a recovery room that had several lawn chair type beds and two couches. I think I remember four other women in there and I remember the nurses saying that two of us were fetal demise which means the other two weren't. I remember the nurse steering me toward a lawn chair and somehow I convinced my brain the couch was better so I plopped myself down there. Then I started cramping horribly and then I remember that I was FREEZING. I swear I've never been colder in my whole life. The cramping made me feel like I had to go to the bathroom RIGHT THAT SECOND but they wouldn't let me. Then I told them I was in a ton of pain from the cramping so they gave me an 800 mg Ibuprofin and finally someone thought to give me an extra blanket. I remember moaning and my teeth chattering. The poor girl next to me probably thought I was dying or something. I'm told that the freezing is a common reaction to sedation so that's probably why I was so friggin' cold.
By the time I came to and little bit and stopped shivering, everyone else in the room was gone. They led me to the bathroom to check on my bleeding and told me I needed about fifteen more minutes. I was given some water and then the doctor came to check on me and say good-bye. He explained that the cramping I'd experienced was from a drug they'd given me to help expel the contents of my uterus. I flashed back to miscarriage #1 and the cytotec and realized the cramping and inability to move from the pain had been familiar. I told him about this and he said that he had in fact given me four cytotec tablets rectally (UM, something I wish they'd told me they were going to do beforehand!) which explained the need to go to the bathroom, and then they put a diaper on me (wish I was joking. They were fresh out of mesh underwear) and sent me out into the hall where Matt was waiting.
Within about thirty seconds I was sobbing uncontrollably. I had held it together very well until that second but the weight of where I'd just been and what had just happened was more than I could bear. I will, unfortunately, have flashes of the ultrasound of my dead baby, the machine that would suck it out of me and the reality of what happens in that office every day that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I cried all the way home and since then I've been ok for the most part. I opened a drawer where the copy of the ten week ultrasound pictures were and had a total melt down. The moments when I'm alone in the shower or right before I fall asleep I always shed some tears. I think when the hormones start crashing soon I'll have some harder times. I'm planning on asking for a mild anti-depressant due to the postpartum I know I suffered last time. I want to prevent it if at all possible.
The physical recovery has been a breeze. They gave me vicoden but I haven't even needed half a pill or even an ibuprofin. I have been tired but not excessively so. There's been some minor cramping and I've been bleeding but it's nothing huge and more like a monthly cycle.
Despite some of the mental trauma involved this time, I can say that I wish I would have gone with a D&C the last two times. The hours of cramping and excessive bleeding from the other two were much harder than this. The second one took two weeks and that was especially hard. This took a few hours and some rest. Definitely a better choice, at least for me.
So there you go. All the yucky details for any of you who wanted them. Hopefully this will be of some help to someone and maybe purging some of this from my brain will help me a little, too.
I am now going to use this blog to chronicle the process of the infertility testing, just in case that helps anyone. Hopefully it's a somewhat simple fix and not anything permanently wrong. I guess we'll see.
My options this time were different because the baby was 13 weeks old when it stopped growing. That's too big for a D&C and not super safe for an at home miscarriage. The doctor said that he could either admit me to the hospital and induce labor and I'd essentially have to deliver the baby or he could recommend me to a clinic that does a procedure called a D&E which is similar to a D&C but requires more dilation of the cervix and the extraction of the fetus is done with a vacuum. It's what we've all heard described when we hear about second trimester abortions. The fetus is softened and broken up into pieces to allow it to come out and be disposed of. And in Arizona, the only places we could find that did this procedure were abortion clinics...kindly called family planning clinics. There was one doctor's office that does it too but the red tape to get a referral over there would have taken weeks and they do very few procedures and my doctor felt that the chances of complications were much lower somewhere that performed the procedure often. It sounds like this is only an option for about ten weeks, between weeks 12 and 22 and it's pretty rare to have fetal demise during this period of time in a pregnancy which is why most OB/GYN's don't do a lot of them, if any at all. D&Cs are much more common due to the frequency of a first trimester miscarriage. So, I hated my options but they were what they were.
After hours of crying and mental trauma, we decided to go with the D&E. It was a difficult decision for me because on one hand, the thought of having to deliver my dead baby made me want to throw up. On the other hand, I am Pro Life and having to step foot in an abortion clinic and then handing them $550 also made me want to throw up. As a small aside, I DO NOT like to talk politics or on my blog and I have no desire to have an argument with someone who may feel differently than I do about the topic of abortion. I needed to bring up my personal feelings because they relate to the experience I had but if you disagree with me, please understand that I get that there are many who do and I respectfully disagree. I have educated myself on the topic and at some point when I'm mentally doing better if someone wants to discuss why I feel the way I do, I may be willing to go down that path. Right now is not the time and if I get any emails, they will be ignored. Aside over. We ended up choosing to go with the D&E because of the mental ramifications of delivery in the hospital. I just didn't think I could handle that if there was another option. The D&E was going to be quick and the sedation they use has you awake during the procedure but you are not supposed to remember anything. I liked the idea of having less chance of side effects and I liked the idea of being done with this quickly.
Friday morning we had to stop at the doctor's office and get a Rhogam shot. My blood type is 0- so I have to get this shot every time I miscarry or eventually, when I give birth to prevent my blood from mixing with the babies which might be positive. After that we headed straight to the clinic.
There was a line outside of the office before they opened at 8 am. There was another couple that looked as though they were in our same boat. She was very obviously devastated and had NO desire to be there. With everyone else it was hard to tell for sure, but most looked like they were there for abortions. Heaven help me, I tried not to judge. I tried so hard not to hate these women who were willingly giving up what I wanted so badly but had been denied three times. Sitting in the lobby of the office was hard but I was treated with nothing but kindness and respect by the staff. They had my chart from my doctor and they knew of my situation. I was consoled and lovingly touched and told multiple times how sorry they were for my loss and for my previous losses. I have no complaints about the way that I was treated in the office despite my personal disagreement with their practice.
I was given an ultrasound to determine the size of the fetus as well as the size and placement of the placenta. Sometimes the D&E is a two step procedure where they place dilators in the cervix and then send you home to allow it to open overnight then perform the extraction the next day. In my case, luckily the baby and placenta were small enough that they were able to do the procedure that day. Arizona law does require a 24 hour waiting period for an abortion after consulting with the clinic, but since fetal demise was confirmed, I was outside of these requirements and the waiting period was waived.
After a small wait I was taken back into the procedure room. Matt wasn't allowed to come with me which I'm sure is related to the goriness of the procedure. My one complaint about the clinic is that I was left alone in the room for about five minutes. Granted, it was so I could get undressed from the waist down but being alone in the room with the baby vacuum (NO idea what the technical name is, sorry) sitting right next to me, in a place where women willingly give up their babies every day was almost more than I could bear. Luckily the nurse came in quickly to sedate me so I wasn't alone for long. I was given an IV and then the doctor came in and administered the Twilight Sedation which causes you to be awake and able to follow simple commands during the procedure but causes you to forget everything. The last thing I remember is scooting down the table and putting my legs in VERY cold stirrups. Well, there's about thirty seconds in the middle that I remember some slight discomfort and a loud noise but then the next thing I knew I was walking out the door in a lovely pair of mesh undies.
I was taken to a recovery room that had several lawn chair type beds and two couches. I think I remember four other women in there and I remember the nurses saying that two of us were fetal demise which means the other two weren't. I remember the nurse steering me toward a lawn chair and somehow I convinced my brain the couch was better so I plopped myself down there. Then I started cramping horribly and then I remember that I was FREEZING. I swear I've never been colder in my whole life. The cramping made me feel like I had to go to the bathroom RIGHT THAT SECOND but they wouldn't let me. Then I told them I was in a ton of pain from the cramping so they gave me an 800 mg Ibuprofin and finally someone thought to give me an extra blanket. I remember moaning and my teeth chattering. The poor girl next to me probably thought I was dying or something. I'm told that the freezing is a common reaction to sedation so that's probably why I was so friggin' cold.
By the time I came to and little bit and stopped shivering, everyone else in the room was gone. They led me to the bathroom to check on my bleeding and told me I needed about fifteen more minutes. I was given some water and then the doctor came to check on me and say good-bye. He explained that the cramping I'd experienced was from a drug they'd given me to help expel the contents of my uterus. I flashed back to miscarriage #1 and the cytotec and realized the cramping and inability to move from the pain had been familiar. I told him about this and he said that he had in fact given me four cytotec tablets rectally (UM, something I wish they'd told me they were going to do beforehand!) which explained the need to go to the bathroom, and then they put a diaper on me (wish I was joking. They were fresh out of mesh underwear) and sent me out into the hall where Matt was waiting.
Within about thirty seconds I was sobbing uncontrollably. I had held it together very well until that second but the weight of where I'd just been and what had just happened was more than I could bear. I will, unfortunately, have flashes of the ultrasound of my dead baby, the machine that would suck it out of me and the reality of what happens in that office every day that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I cried all the way home and since then I've been ok for the most part. I opened a drawer where the copy of the ten week ultrasound pictures were and had a total melt down. The moments when I'm alone in the shower or right before I fall asleep I always shed some tears. I think when the hormones start crashing soon I'll have some harder times. I'm planning on asking for a mild anti-depressant due to the postpartum I know I suffered last time. I want to prevent it if at all possible.
The physical recovery has been a breeze. They gave me vicoden but I haven't even needed half a pill or even an ibuprofin. I have been tired but not excessively so. There's been some minor cramping and I've been bleeding but it's nothing huge and more like a monthly cycle.
Despite some of the mental trauma involved this time, I can say that I wish I would have gone with a D&C the last two times. The hours of cramping and excessive bleeding from the other two were much harder than this. The second one took two weeks and that was especially hard. This took a few hours and some rest. Definitely a better choice, at least for me.
So there you go. All the yucky details for any of you who wanted them. Hopefully this will be of some help to someone and maybe purging some of this from my brain will help me a little, too.
I am now going to use this blog to chronicle the process of the infertility testing, just in case that helps anyone. Hopefully it's a somewhat simple fix and not anything permanently wrong. I guess we'll see.
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