A Year and a Half Later

Sometimes I forget I'm supposed to update here too.  Whoops.

In case you only read here and not the other disaster of a blog I "write," here's the scoop.  We don't have anything they can point to as the cause for losing our babies.  I have a minor chromosomal disorder (the MTHFR gene) but it doesn't appear to be affecting me at all because I have the heterozygous (or some huge word I don't understand) anomoly not the homozygous.  Yeah, I heard blah blah blah as well.  Basically it COULD someday affect my ability to absorb B12 and cause blood clots but as far as they can tell all my levels are completely normal and wouldn't be affecting the babies.  The doctor has me taking a baby aspirin every day, just in case I have an undetected clotting disorder.  He also prescribed a special prenatal pill with extra Folic Acid to see if that helps.  Also, as soon as we get a positive pregnancy test he'll put me on progesterone shots, just in case there's something undetected going on there. 

People keep telling me I should be relieved that there's nothing wrong.  People might need to can it.  If there was something wrong I would have something to blame.  I would have something to fix.  Right now my plan is to just keep trying and cross my fingers that we don't lose another baby.  Fun, right?  But it is what it is so we've  been trying.  For five months.  And I'm not pregnant.  Logically I realize my body probably needs the break but SERIOUSLY?  After getting pregnant without thinking about it, and now that I at least have something to try to help out...nothing  I am SO FRUSTRATED.

In the midst of all of this I lost my job.  Well I didn't LOSE it but I not longer HAVE it. It's a long, involved story which I probably won't ever share but the bottom line is that I was too stressed out and I needed to not be there.  I took a month off to relax and then Matt and I evaluated the budget and decided that unless we wanted a drastic life change, I should be working.  So I found the best solution for me and I'm doing some consulting for a while.  It has the chance to turn into a full time job but we'll see how it goes and if that's what I want to do.

Of course during all of this the due date for the last baby came and went.  It was, as I expected, a hard day.  I think I'm still in shock.  I can't believe that it's been almost six months since the miscarriage and I'm still not pregnant.  I've passed all three of my due dates now.  I'm ten months past my first due date. I should have a ten month old.  I guess that I'm almost relieved that there aren't any other missed dates looming in front of me, though.  Those are the HARDEST days among a ton of really hard days in the year and a half that's passed since the first positive pregnancy test.

As usual, it seems everyone around me is pregnant.  Everywhere I go.  Everyone I talk to.  Everyone I associate with on Facebook.  Of course that's an exaggeration but SERIOUSLY.  I might need to find a way to be Mormon without having to associate with all these procreating Mormons.  I pray every day  to be happy for them, really I do.  Sometimes it really works and I'm SO HAPPY for people.  Other times  I'm so broken-hearted that stepping outside of my hurt feels like the hardest thing I've ever been asked to do.  I can't find the place where any of this feels OK or fair or even remotely right.  I think I'm getting closer to it, which is a good place to be.  At least I'm not stuck in the mud.  I'm trudging slowly through it to wherever it is that I can understand.