There's going to be a lot of pregnancy and biology talk that might make you uncomfortable in here. If you're squeamish, do yourself a favor and run away now.
Ahem.
So...as you know we saw a baby and a heartbeat on Wednesday. Less than 48 hours later I started bleeding pretty good and Friday night I'd passed a few clots. I called the DR and they said "nothing we can do just wait it out."
Guess who's not patient?
Went to the ER Saturday morning and the following is a summary of things that were wrong/confusing:
HCG up to 30,000 but was at 15,000 last Friday. Should have quadrupled but only doubled. However my last set of tests didn't rise like they were supposed to either...I went from 5,000 to 10,000 in two days. This is confusing.
My white blood cell count is equal to that of a chemo patient. Other issues with my blood include low platelets and other issues with low red blood cell count overall. This is confusing and not at all normal for a pregnant woman. Or any woman for that matter.
Had a pelvic exam which basically showed that my cervix is closed. This is a sign that things are fine and I'm not miscarrying. But still bleeding profusely.
Had an ultrasound (which for some reason required a catheter? OUCH!) and found the following (but "they didn't get a great look so they're not really positive"):
Heart shaped or biocornuate uterus which means I might have two "horns" at the top of my baby maker. But they're not sure. The baby is in the left side with "possible" enlarged yolk sac (which is apparently a sign of miscarriage but I have no idea why and they didn't bother to explain), no visible heartbeat and no doppler heart-beat sounds, "possible" large complex subchorionic hemotoma (blood clot between the placenta and gestational sac wall) and "possible" abnormally shaped gestational sac. None of these things are good. The baby was still there but there are lots of "possible" or what I called likely problems.
In the right side of my possibly mishapen uterus you'll find a 5.86x2.84 cm hemorrhagic blood clot type thing. No idea how that got there or why it's there.
To sum it up I MIGHT have a weird uterus with suspected fetal demise and huge hematoma bleeding out my whoo-ha and more blood randomly coming from the side where there isn't a baby. I also still have a massive ovarian cyst that could rupture painfully at any time.
After the four hours of tests diagnosed me with "threatened miscarriage" and said he was not optimistic thEN the educational paperwork they gave me? Says exactly the following:
"Bleeding within the first 20 weeks of pregnancy is called a threatened miscarriage. It may mean you have an increased chance of having a miscarriage. However, MOST women who have vaginal bleeding or spotting during early pregnancy go on to have healthy babies."
What the HELL!?!?!
So now they want more blood work, more ultrasounds, more fun! Oh and more money because I'm pretty sure this trip to the ER used up my health fund so now the $3000 deductible fun begins.
Oh and after almost a full day of no bleeding after the hospital, it's started up again in a bad, bad way. By Sunday I'd pretty much resigned myself to the knowledge that we've lost this baby too. Monday this was confirmed when the Dr. did another ultrasound and my entire uterus was filled with blood clots. My placenta had basically pulled away from the uterus wall due to a clot underneath it and drowned the baby in blood.
I think I'm doing better than last time because I wasn't optimistic from the beginning. I'm a little mad that the houdini baby made an appearance on Wednesday just to kick the bucket the next day (or possibly even THAT day.) I was more ready for this on Wednesday than I was this weekend. I'm frustrated with my body and I can officially say that all the fun of getting pregnant and being excited to have a baby has been ripped away from me and that is what I think makes me the most mad. This is supposed to be a wonderful, magical time where I buy baby clothes and pick out names and get excited about my changing body. Now I'm just pissed at everyone who has or has had a baby and I'm angry at my body and I'm a little confused with the whole plan here. How's that for having a positive attitude?
Oh, and just to add to the fun, my cervix still refuses to open so I basically have a giant blood clot for a uterus and the draining equipment isn't working. My belly is sticking out so far it looks like I'm four months pregnant. I don't want to do a D&C because I'd rather use the $3000 deductible it's going to cost me for that trip to Europe I promised myself, so I just have to sort of sit and wait for SOMETHING to happen. It's less than awesome.
I guess the upside is that now I get my trip to Europe. I'd rather have a baby in June but I guess that will work too.
I'm taking the team off the field for now. I can't do this again anytime soon. I might be forty by the time I decide to give this another go. Probably not, but it sounds good right now so don't rule it out.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Beating the Odds
As the doctor had me lay down for the ultrasound he said "Now, I'm expecting to see an empty sac which means you had a blighted ovum. Between the missing yolk sac last week and the low hormone rise, things aren't looking great for a pregnancy this time. If we happen to see anything, it will be a big surprise."
Well, SURPRISE!
I'm still processing things right now. We're only six weeks along (not seven like I thought which is why all the rigamaroll in the first place) and I've got six weeks to go before I feel great about this one.
The doctor sort of forgot the part where he gave me an official due date, but if my new calculations are correct, all things point to June 5th.
Hi, June.
Well Isn't That Peachy
So on Wednesday my HCG levels were at 10,000 which is good for 5-6 weeks along which is what we think/thought I am/was. But like I said, we didn't see a baby. So into the lab I skipped on Friday to have my levels tested to see what they were doing.
I guess HCG levels are supposed to double every 48-72 hours.
Mine went up 67% from 10,000 to 15,000.
The doctor said that he's not sure what this means. I could be fine. I could have reached my peak and I'm tapering off now. I could have an eptopic pregnancy (but that's not likely because we saw the sac in the uterus where it belongs). (Also, I'm using the word sac waaaaaaay to much. Yuck.)
You have GOT to be kidding me.
Wednesday I have another ultrasound and we'll measure the (gulp) sac and see what's going on. For now? No answer.
F.
I guess HCG levels are supposed to double every 48-72 hours.
Mine went up 67% from 10,000 to 15,000.
The doctor said that he's not sure what this means. I could be fine. I could have reached my peak and I'm tapering off now. I could have an eptopic pregnancy (but that's not likely because we saw the sac in the uterus where it belongs). (Also, I'm using the word sac waaaaaaay to much. Yuck.)
You have GOT to be kidding me.
Wednesday I have another ultrasound and we'll measure the (gulp) sac and see what's going on. For now? No answer.
F.
Tick Tock Tick Tock
Holy crapoly this is a wild and annoying and EMOTIONAL ride. I've spent a lot of the last five days or so crying then recovering then crying again. It sucks.
I'm waiting for the results of the blood test. They should be in this afternoon but just to make things interesting, I had some spotting this morning. That's how we started the miscarriage last time so I'm less than thrilled and even less optimistic that things are going to work out this time around. So far it hasn't gotten worse...if anything it's lightened up from what it was but I'm still not getting any hopes up. All things considered spotting isn't a good sign right now.
That being said, IF things are going to work out this time around and this is any indication of how this baby's personality? I'm terrified. I'm in for a crazy child, I can tell you that.
If it turns out I'm not pregnant anymore, Matt and I are putting in our backyard and going to Europe in the spring. I don't care how much it costs us. I need something to look forward to.
And so the waiting game continues.
I'm waiting for the results of the blood test. They should be in this afternoon but just to make things interesting, I had some spotting this morning. That's how we started the miscarriage last time so I'm less than thrilled and even less optimistic that things are going to work out this time around. So far it hasn't gotten worse...if anything it's lightened up from what it was but I'm still not getting any hopes up. All things considered spotting isn't a good sign right now.
That being said, IF things are going to work out this time around and this is any indication of how this baby's personality? I'm terrified. I'm in for a crazy child, I can tell you that.
If it turns out I'm not pregnant anymore, Matt and I are putting in our backyard and going to Europe in the spring. I don't care how much it costs us. I need something to look forward to.
And so the waiting game continues.
SERIOUSLY?!
According to "the math" I should be about six weeks pregnant at this point. I've taken two pregnancy tests a week apart to confirm. Both positive. No real morning sickness, absolutely no burning boobies like last time. Paranoia from miscarriage still present. Combine all that together and you have a girl who so badly WANTS to be pregnant but has a feeling she's really not. The non-sore boobs are my dead giveaway.
My OB appointment was this morning. I spent the night praying that everything would be OK but that if it wasn't, I wouldn't freak out. I made Matt say another prayer this morning to help me calm down because I was freaking out. It didn't really work but at least I tried.
We got to the doctor's office and of course they were late opening so we sat in the parking lot for twenty minutes. Blood work, check. Weight...YIKES! I've gained 13 (let me say that again THIRTEEN) pounds since the miscarriage. I almost offed myself right there. We went into the ultrasound room and...
The results were inconclusive. I have a uterine sac but no visible baby or yolk sac. This for sure means I WAS pregnant, but they're not sure I still am. The possibilities are several: A.) I'm not as far along as I think and nothing is visible yet. B.) I was pregnant but the baby didn't make it far enough to implant and my body hasn't caught on yet. C.) I don't know what the hell C is. There's just weird options.
Oh and I have a two to three inch ovarian cyst. AWESOME.
So I go in on Friday for more blood tests to see if my HCG levels are rising. If they are, we're probably good. If they're falling, miscarriage numero dos. If they're stable then something very odd is happening in the land of my uterus.
The cyst is supposedly not a threat and should pop or shrink or whatever on its own. Might be painful, might not be.
So we wait until Friday. I've been on the Google trying to see what people are saying about similar ultrasound results and the general consensus is that I'm probably not as far along as I think I am and things should be fine.
I currently am at war with my uterus but it's winning and I'm super pissed about it. I'm not sure if I can do the miscarriage thing again so I'm just really, really, really hoping that damn baby was hiding in there somewhere. However, I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst.
This blows. Apparently I can't just get pregnant and BE pregnant. I have to go through the circus of mystery (now with a side of cyst!).
My OB appointment was this morning. I spent the night praying that everything would be OK but that if it wasn't, I wouldn't freak out. I made Matt say another prayer this morning to help me calm down because I was freaking out. It didn't really work but at least I tried.
We got to the doctor's office and of course they were late opening so we sat in the parking lot for twenty minutes. Blood work, check. Weight...YIKES! I've gained 13 (let me say that again THIRTEEN) pounds since the miscarriage. I almost offed myself right there. We went into the ultrasound room and...
The results were inconclusive. I have a uterine sac but no visible baby or yolk sac. This for sure means I WAS pregnant, but they're not sure I still am. The possibilities are several: A.) I'm not as far along as I think and nothing is visible yet. B.) I was pregnant but the baby didn't make it far enough to implant and my body hasn't caught on yet. C.) I don't know what the hell C is. There's just weird options.
Oh and I have a two to three inch ovarian cyst. AWESOME.
So I go in on Friday for more blood tests to see if my HCG levels are rising. If they are, we're probably good. If they're falling, miscarriage numero dos. If they're stable then something very odd is happening in the land of my uterus.
The cyst is supposedly not a threat and should pop or shrink or whatever on its own. Might be painful, might not be.
So we wait until Friday. I've been on the Google trying to see what people are saying about similar ultrasound results and the general consensus is that I'm probably not as far along as I think I am and things should be fine.
I currently am at war with my uterus but it's winning and I'm super pissed about it. I'm not sure if I can do the miscarriage thing again so I'm just really, really, really hoping that damn baby was hiding in there somewhere. However, I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst.
This blows. Apparently I can't just get pregnant and BE pregnant. I have to go through the circus of mystery (now with a side of cyst!).
Round Two
I wouldn't exactly say I was trying super hard to get pregnant again...but I wouldn't say I wasn't. I had heard SO many stories of miscarriage, period comes back once BAM pregnant that I think I just KNEW it was going to happen again.
Also? My body really, really, really wanted a baby up in there. My brain was trying to tell my body to calm the hell down but it sort of wasn't listening. The last three months may or may not have been some of Matt's most favorite in our marriage. Just saying.
About two weeks ago my body started to swell. I'm not even joking. One day I was at the same weight I was when I miscarried and then all of a sudden I was five pounds heavier. Then eight pounds. EIGHT POUNDS. I've been working out still...eating like crap, sure, but working out quite a bit (not as much as I was for a while there. I think I needed a break from the two-a-days!). I think I sort of knew what was going on here. Last time that didn't happen but last time I was working out twice a day and last time wasn't exaclty "viable" so I'm not really sure how to compare the two so I just try not to. I was officially "late" as of last Wednesday but I wasn't sure my body had gotten itself back on any sort of pattern so I just let it go. Saturday we went to the lake and went Wakeboarding and Wakesurfing which resulted in a wicked sunburn and muscles I forgot I had screaming in pain. Sunday I absolutely HAD to go get Aloe because MY SKIN WAS GOING TO DIE and while I was there I just happened to pick up a pregnancy test. Or three. Matt was at church and I just decided to go for it. Just like last time, ten seconds later I had a positive. I didn't even take the other two tests.
This time? I was excited. But not jump for joy excited because well, it's hard to be that way after last time. But I said a little thank you prayer and there was much happiness in the land. Until Matt got home and was sort of a downer. I get it. He doesn't like to get excited about things anyway, then you have our situation and so he's cautiously optimistic?
I quit Diet Coke cold turkey again. I miss it already. I'm trying to eat healthier but macaroni and cheese (from a box) just sounded aweseme the other night. Healthy pregnancy diet FAIL. I tried to go to a workout class at 5:15 this morning and I was actually awake for it but my body is still so unbelievably sore from the lake and the sunburn is killing me so I opted out.
We head to the sand dunes with Matt's family for our annual trip this weekend and I'm hoping no weird symptoms pop up and give me away. I don't really want to tell anyone this time until we're sure it's all good. Which will be Thanksgiving Day. I'm pretty thankful so I think it's the perfect day to share.
Also? My body really, really, really wanted a baby up in there. My brain was trying to tell my body to calm the hell down but it sort of wasn't listening. The last three months may or may not have been some of Matt's most favorite in our marriage. Just saying.
About two weeks ago my body started to swell. I'm not even joking. One day I was at the same weight I was when I miscarried and then all of a sudden I was five pounds heavier. Then eight pounds. EIGHT POUNDS. I've been working out still...eating like crap, sure, but working out quite a bit (not as much as I was for a while there. I think I needed a break from the two-a-days!). I think I sort of knew what was going on here. Last time that didn't happen but last time I was working out twice a day and last time wasn't exaclty "viable" so I'm not really sure how to compare the two so I just try not to. I was officially "late" as of last Wednesday but I wasn't sure my body had gotten itself back on any sort of pattern so I just let it go. Saturday we went to the lake and went Wakeboarding and Wakesurfing which resulted in a wicked sunburn and muscles I forgot I had screaming in pain. Sunday I absolutely HAD to go get Aloe because MY SKIN WAS GOING TO DIE and while I was there I just happened to pick up a pregnancy test. Or three. Matt was at church and I just decided to go for it. Just like last time, ten seconds later I had a positive. I didn't even take the other two tests.
This time? I was excited. But not jump for joy excited because well, it's hard to be that way after last time. But I said a little thank you prayer and there was much happiness in the land. Until Matt got home and was sort of a downer. I get it. He doesn't like to get excited about things anyway, then you have our situation and so he's cautiously optimistic?
I quit Diet Coke cold turkey again. I miss it already. I'm trying to eat healthier but macaroni and cheese (from a box) just sounded aweseme the other night. Healthy pregnancy diet FAIL. I tried to go to a workout class at 5:15 this morning and I was actually awake for it but my body is still so unbelievably sore from the lake and the sunburn is killing me so I opted out.
We head to the sand dunes with Matt's family for our annual trip this weekend and I'm hoping no weird symptoms pop up and give me away. I don't really want to tell anyone this time until we're sure it's all good. Which will be Thanksgiving Day. I'm pretty thankful so I think it's the perfect day to share.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Moments
Most days I'm totally fine. I'm happy and healthy and doing all the things I want to do.
Then there's days where I'm just not fine. Not really days, actually. Moments.
Two weeks after the miscarriage was the hardest because everyone who was due at the end of January like me started announcing their pregnancies. It seemed like EVERYONE was pregnant all of a sudden and due the same week I was. It made me feel really empty. There were lots of bad moments during that week or two.
I've had a lot of bad moments these last few weeks because now I'd be twenty weeks and we'd know for sure what kind of little peanut we'd be having. And of course everyone who announced they were pregnant is finding out too. So I'm sort of assaulted by "It's a Girl!" or "It's got a weiner!" blog and Facebook posts.
Today someone whose blog I read who struggled with infertility for years, then adopted, THEN found out she was pregnant is now pregnant again and due on my due date. She found out today she's having a girl and I was so excited for her...and then I was mad and I started crying.
I cannot even imagine what this world of pregnant women is like for women who can't have babies at all. Right now I often feel like I'm being punched in the face by pregnancy and I know I can at least get pregnant. I don't think I could take an entire life of this so I really pray this miscarriage was a one time thing.
It took two months for my cycle to start up again. I was almost convinced I was pregnant again and the day I was going to go get a pregnancy test, the flood gates opened. (Sorry, had to be said.) Two months to the day. It was so bad I had to stay home from work for a day.
I'm a planner, we all know this. I've basically "planned" that we have about an eight week window to get pregnant before I put the x-nay on the aby-bay for a few months. I live in Phoenix, right? The thought of being hugely pregnant during the hellish summer months is enough to make me want to NEVER be pregnant. Then I start thinking about if I really want to start that up again right now. I'm not sure I'm emotionally to the point where I want to do that again. Plus, this time it's going to be a huge emotional roller coaster because I'll be freaking out every day wondering if I've lost the baby. I'm not looking forward to that part at all. If I can even get pregnant.
Who knows.
Most moments I'm great. Some moments I'm eh. This moment I'm mad. I just sort of want that feeling to go away forever, but I'm starting to realize it never will. January 28th will forever be the day my first baby was supposed to be born. That's going to be a day full of hard moments.
Until then I'm going to try to make great ones.
Then there's days where I'm just not fine. Not really days, actually. Moments.
Two weeks after the miscarriage was the hardest because everyone who was due at the end of January like me started announcing their pregnancies. It seemed like EVERYONE was pregnant all of a sudden and due the same week I was. It made me feel really empty. There were lots of bad moments during that week or two.
I've had a lot of bad moments these last few weeks because now I'd be twenty weeks and we'd know for sure what kind of little peanut we'd be having. And of course everyone who announced they were pregnant is finding out too. So I'm sort of assaulted by "It's a Girl!" or "It's got a weiner!" blog and Facebook posts.
Today someone whose blog I read who struggled with infertility for years, then adopted, THEN found out she was pregnant is now pregnant again and due on my due date. She found out today she's having a girl and I was so excited for her...and then I was mad and I started crying.
I cannot even imagine what this world of pregnant women is like for women who can't have babies at all. Right now I often feel like I'm being punched in the face by pregnancy and I know I can at least get pregnant. I don't think I could take an entire life of this so I really pray this miscarriage was a one time thing.
It took two months for my cycle to start up again. I was almost convinced I was pregnant again and the day I was going to go get a pregnancy test, the flood gates opened. (Sorry, had to be said.) Two months to the day. It was so bad I had to stay home from work for a day.
I'm a planner, we all know this. I've basically "planned" that we have about an eight week window to get pregnant before I put the x-nay on the aby-bay for a few months. I live in Phoenix, right? The thought of being hugely pregnant during the hellish summer months is enough to make me want to NEVER be pregnant. Then I start thinking about if I really want to start that up again right now. I'm not sure I'm emotionally to the point where I want to do that again. Plus, this time it's going to be a huge emotional roller coaster because I'll be freaking out every day wondering if I've lost the baby. I'm not looking forward to that part at all. If I can even get pregnant.
Who knows.
Most moments I'm great. Some moments I'm eh. This moment I'm mad. I just sort of want that feeling to go away forever, but I'm starting to realize it never will. January 28th will forever be the day my first baby was supposed to be born. That's going to be a day full of hard moments.
Until then I'm going to try to make great ones.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Saying Goodbye
We lost our baby on Wednesday. Well, actually several weeks before that, but my body didn't really get the memo until Wednesday. It started as brown spotting which everyone says is no problem, just fine. After lunch it was no longer "no problem, just fine" and we rushed to the doctors office. Our fears were confirmed as we saw the tiny baby disconnected from it's home on the side of my uterus and laying at the bottom with no heartbeat.
I think I knew this was coming. I kept telling people that I wasn't sick enough or tired enough to be nine weeks pregnant. They told me maybe I was just lucky. As much as I hoped that would be true, I think deep down I just knew this baby wasn't going to make it. So, finding out we'd lost it wasn't as hard as I think it might have been or might be for other women. I was sad and there was definitely crying and aching from a place I didn't know existed, but overall I felt very at peace with what had taken place. Earlier in this blog I mentioned our friend who lost her baby at seven months. I cannot imagine knowing this child's movements, their face, their name . . . having the nursery almost complete and clothes hanging in the closet. If it was going to happen, this was the time. I felt connected to this baby in a way I cannot put into words but it still was a little surreal to me and I think that made losing it just a little bit easier. I'd so much rather have gone through this than about ten thousand other scenarios that keep going through my head. Peace laced with sadness would be the way I would describe my emotions.
The doctor gave us two options, D&C or wait it out and let the body do what it is made to do. One would be over quickly but expensive. The other would be painful and unpredictable, taking up to two weeks to complete. We went home with the intent of waiting it out but that just didn't sit right with me. I started researching and found that sometimes Cytotec was used to help hurry along the natural miscarriage process. I asked for that option. The doctor stated that Cytotec would make an already painful outlook even more so and that I would absolutely need to take a Percocet with my Cytotec. He also told me that there was no guarantee the medication would work and that I might be in pain for nothing. However, I was already bleeding which usually means that my body was close to doing it's own thing anyway, so I just decided to give it a try.
After filling my prescriptions for the Cytotec and the necessary Percocet, I went home to wait it out. I was told this was going to be extremely painful and everything I read online confirmed that in stronger words. "Worst pain of my life" was used more than once. I have a high pain threshold so I figured I could handle it. My first six hours were basically like menstrual cramps and I thought maybe these people were pansies. Little did I know that I would literally be in the worst pain of my life the six hours after that. There were points, as I was literally sweating from the pain, that I wished I could just die for a few minutes to escape what was going on. Right at about hour ten and a half, when the pain was the worst, the miscarriage seems to have officially taken place. I don't know how painful a natural miscarriage would have been, so I guess I can't officially say that taking the Cytotec was worth it, but I can tell you that I have never been as relieved as the moment I knew the worst was over and there would be no more waiting. My sister was an angel sent from God. She massaged my back and legs and with her recently acquired nursing degree she helped me verify everything that was happening every step of the way. She slept with me and calmed me and even cleaned up after me when it was all I could do to crawl to my bed and cry.
While I needed my sister to be my nurse, I needed my husband to be there to mourn with me and hold me and help me mentally feel better. I'm so indescribably grateful for the amazing man that I married. There are those moments in life where you realize you had no idea how much your spouse loves you and this was one of them. I see my husband through different eyes and I love him more than I ever thought possible through this experience. He is my solid foundation and I think I would have died without him. He doesn't say much and I know he was hurting as well, but he put all that aside to be there for me and I cannot find the words to say thank you to him.
I was so grateful I chose the option that I did and that I was done so quickly. I think it really helped me start moving past the situation and allowed me to work with Matt to decide what was next. Over the next two days there would be more cramping, etc. (I'm just going to leave it at "etc" and spare you the gory details) but nothing like that six hours. I feel I can safely say I'm done and my body is starting to recover. I'm a bit anemic and tired but other than that I'm finally starting to feel like myself again.
In our religion, we believe that any children that are lost, be they embryo, fetus, baby, toddler, child, tween or teenager, will be ours to raise in eternity. Despite my not being as attached as I maybe could or should have been, this gives me comfort. That little beating heart that Matt and I created together is our child. It's ours to love and think of and miss and someday nurture and watch grow into someone amazing. I can't wait to someday meet him or her.
I hope that nothing I say here in any way discounts what other women have been through. This was my experience, my pain, my loss and my journey alone to share with my husband. I am grateful that I have a resilient personality and I'm not huddled in a pile on the floor, but I completely sympathize with someone who might have experience those emotions. I learned a lot this week about who I am and what I am capable of. I know I couldn't do it without the people that God has put in my life to buoy me up. I count myself as a strong person, but time and time again I am shown that none of us are strong enough to get through the pains of life alone and I'm so grateful for the wonderful souls who act as my life boat.
I come away from this with a better knowledge of what I want from life and how to accomplish it. I have a new focus and determination to do things in a better way. Some people are probably expecting a huge change from me, and I'm sorry to disappoint them but that's not the focus I found. There will be no 180 degree turns from this girl. There will be a greater joy in the goals I had and the new goals I will make. There will be more love in my home and more appreciation for things I may have overlooked. I am, in a way, angry that I had to go through this but more than that I am thankful for this trial because it has shown me so much about who I can be.
So that is my story. And this blog, despite what I originally thought, will not go away. I will continue to document my growth as a person and hopefully someday as a mother, but that part will have to wait.
Goodbye, baby. I love you forever and I'm thankful for all you've taught me in six short weeks. I hope to feel you watching over me and your family until we meet again.
Love,
Momma
I think I knew this was coming. I kept telling people that I wasn't sick enough or tired enough to be nine weeks pregnant. They told me maybe I was just lucky. As much as I hoped that would be true, I think deep down I just knew this baby wasn't going to make it. So, finding out we'd lost it wasn't as hard as I think it might have been or might be for other women. I was sad and there was definitely crying and aching from a place I didn't know existed, but overall I felt very at peace with what had taken place. Earlier in this blog I mentioned our friend who lost her baby at seven months. I cannot imagine knowing this child's movements, their face, their name . . . having the nursery almost complete and clothes hanging in the closet. If it was going to happen, this was the time. I felt connected to this baby in a way I cannot put into words but it still was a little surreal to me and I think that made losing it just a little bit easier. I'd so much rather have gone through this than about ten thousand other scenarios that keep going through my head. Peace laced with sadness would be the way I would describe my emotions.
The doctor gave us two options, D&C or wait it out and let the body do what it is made to do. One would be over quickly but expensive. The other would be painful and unpredictable, taking up to two weeks to complete. We went home with the intent of waiting it out but that just didn't sit right with me. I started researching and found that sometimes Cytotec was used to help hurry along the natural miscarriage process. I asked for that option. The doctor stated that Cytotec would make an already painful outlook even more so and that I would absolutely need to take a Percocet with my Cytotec. He also told me that there was no guarantee the medication would work and that I might be in pain for nothing. However, I was already bleeding which usually means that my body was close to doing it's own thing anyway, so I just decided to give it a try.
After filling my prescriptions for the Cytotec and the necessary Percocet, I went home to wait it out. I was told this was going to be extremely painful and everything I read online confirmed that in stronger words. "Worst pain of my life" was used more than once. I have a high pain threshold so I figured I could handle it. My first six hours were basically like menstrual cramps and I thought maybe these people were pansies. Little did I know that I would literally be in the worst pain of my life the six hours after that. There were points, as I was literally sweating from the pain, that I wished I could just die for a few minutes to escape what was going on. Right at about hour ten and a half, when the pain was the worst, the miscarriage seems to have officially taken place. I don't know how painful a natural miscarriage would have been, so I guess I can't officially say that taking the Cytotec was worth it, but I can tell you that I have never been as relieved as the moment I knew the worst was over and there would be no more waiting. My sister was an angel sent from God. She massaged my back and legs and with her recently acquired nursing degree she helped me verify everything that was happening every step of the way. She slept with me and calmed me and even cleaned up after me when it was all I could do to crawl to my bed and cry.
While I needed my sister to be my nurse, I needed my husband to be there to mourn with me and hold me and help me mentally feel better. I'm so indescribably grateful for the amazing man that I married. There are those moments in life where you realize you had no idea how much your spouse loves you and this was one of them. I see my husband through different eyes and I love him more than I ever thought possible through this experience. He is my solid foundation and I think I would have died without him. He doesn't say much and I know he was hurting as well, but he put all that aside to be there for me and I cannot find the words to say thank you to him.
I was so grateful I chose the option that I did and that I was done so quickly. I think it really helped me start moving past the situation and allowed me to work with Matt to decide what was next. Over the next two days there would be more cramping, etc. (I'm just going to leave it at "etc" and spare you the gory details) but nothing like that six hours. I feel I can safely say I'm done and my body is starting to recover. I'm a bit anemic and tired but other than that I'm finally starting to feel like myself again.
In our religion, we believe that any children that are lost, be they embryo, fetus, baby, toddler, child, tween or teenager, will be ours to raise in eternity. Despite my not being as attached as I maybe could or should have been, this gives me comfort. That little beating heart that Matt and I created together is our child. It's ours to love and think of and miss and someday nurture and watch grow into someone amazing. I can't wait to someday meet him or her.
I hope that nothing I say here in any way discounts what other women have been through. This was my experience, my pain, my loss and my journey alone to share with my husband. I am grateful that I have a resilient personality and I'm not huddled in a pile on the floor, but I completely sympathize with someone who might have experience those emotions. I learned a lot this week about who I am and what I am capable of. I know I couldn't do it without the people that God has put in my life to buoy me up. I count myself as a strong person, but time and time again I am shown that none of us are strong enough to get through the pains of life alone and I'm so grateful for the wonderful souls who act as my life boat.
I come away from this with a better knowledge of what I want from life and how to accomplish it. I have a new focus and determination to do things in a better way. Some people are probably expecting a huge change from me, and I'm sorry to disappoint them but that's not the focus I found. There will be no 180 degree turns from this girl. There will be a greater joy in the goals I had and the new goals I will make. There will be more love in my home and more appreciation for things I may have overlooked. I am, in a way, angry that I had to go through this but more than that I am thankful for this trial because it has shown me so much about who I can be.
So that is my story. And this blog, despite what I originally thought, will not go away. I will continue to document my growth as a person and hopefully someday as a mother, but that part will have to wait.
Goodbye, baby. I love you forever and I'm thankful for all you've taught me in six short weeks. I hope to feel you watching over me and your family until we meet again.
Love,
Momma
Monday, June 28, 2010
Week Boring
Ok so Google Images needs to get it's crap together. Every week I go and do a search for a picture of the fetus to see what it looks like at that point in the pregnancy . . . and the same pictures keep showing up! I'm fairly certain now that the picture I have on here for six weeks? Is a fetus ready to be born. Ok I know it's not but sheesh! I just want someone to have a week by week picture of the unborn alien. I don't want to guess whether or not it's right and accurate.
I am officially nine weeks. For some reason it feels like a big milestone. Only three more weeks of the first trimester, and the baby made all sorts of human-like progress this week. According to Google -- which I no longer believe in -- the baby is the size of a prune. It has it's "parts" and if we're lucky, we might be able to see them/it at the next appointment. Well, if it's a boy (WHICH IT'S NOT) it should be noticeable. If it's a girl (AS IT IS) they'll probably be hesitant to tell me for sure. It's head is still massive compared to the body and not quite straightened out (which if ANY of the pictures are right is sort of hilarious, don't get mad. It's poor face is smooshed into it's chest), and it's just starting to get little finger and toe buds. It's having spasm movements which for some reason strikes me as so funny. I just picture this tiny alien looking thing wigging out in my uterus.
More and more people are in the know. I told the girls on our trip this weekend. Rhonda seriously looked pissed at me, I was scared. There was lots of squealing and happiness. I've told a few more friends and extended family is finding out from other family. Three more weeks and I'll start telling people for realsies. It seems to be taking forever to get there and I'm not even sure I want people to know right away. A friend of mine was pregnant with twins and didn't tell anyone at work until five months. I'm wondering if I can get away with that? Probably not. Plus if you know me at all, keeping my mouth shut isn't one of my talents.
On the girl's trip we had much fun but there was also lots of tired from Kate and baby. I'm glad my friends were understanding. I was sort of a downer. However, much to my anger, I was up bright and early at 7 AM every day. I would much rather be early to bed late to rise right now but the incessant need to pee makes it early to bed SUPER early to rise. Awesome. I broke the rules and went on a roller coaster. I KNOW, I'm such a rebel. It was a blast and worth every second. I also ate enough food to keep this baby fed for the rest of the pregnancy. Still no weight gain though! Yay me.
I was asking my Grandma about her pregnancies this weekend. She said she didn't really even show other than a little pooch until she was almost seven months pregnant. Judging from my Mom's not showing until about six months I'm starting to think I'll be late in showing too. I'm starting to like the idea of only having a few months in maternity clothes, but as I've said a million times before, I'm not holding my breath.
Still no real nausea. I feel tired and a wee bit sick which all together equals a general crappy state, but overall I'm counting my blessings. Minor car sickness still hits me every once in a while but it's nothing I can't handle. The other telltale pregnancy symptoms are present but in very mild forms. The boobs have calmed down. The, uh, digestive system seems to be doing OK all things considered. Nine months of slow going isn't going to be pleasant but it's nothing a little bottle of Benefiber can't help, right? Still no food aversions, but I have found that I'm craving Root Beer? So strange. I'm trying to drink mostly water or lemonade but about twice a week I get myself a huge Root Beer and it makes me so happy. I'm also craving salt, which doesn't surprise me considering my already low-ish blood pressure which will only continue to get lower as I get up to 40% more blood in my body. Wheeee!
I can definitely tell I'm more feisty. I almost had it out with my car service guy this morning. Granted, he made a dumb mistake and I would have been mad no matter what, but I was definitely more pissed off than I would have been on a normal day. Also, when I'm cheerful? It's like I'm high on drugs. I am SO HAPPY when I'm happy. I didn't eat lunch today until really late, which would normally cause me to be pissed off at everyone, but today I was in such a good mood and I was practically skipping around the office. Weird.
So um, not much else to report. Body still looks and feels the same. Still working out almost every day. Still feeling good, still halfway don't believe I'm pregnant, though that ultrasound picture obviously tells me otherwise.
Only four million more days to go.
I am officially nine weeks. For some reason it feels like a big milestone. Only three more weeks of the first trimester, and the baby made all sorts of human-like progress this week. According to Google -- which I no longer believe in -- the baby is the size of a prune. It has it's "parts" and if we're lucky, we might be able to see them/it at the next appointment. Well, if it's a boy (WHICH IT'S NOT) it should be noticeable. If it's a girl (AS IT IS) they'll probably be hesitant to tell me for sure. It's head is still massive compared to the body and not quite straightened out (which if ANY of the pictures are right is sort of hilarious, don't get mad. It's poor face is smooshed into it's chest), and it's just starting to get little finger and toe buds. It's having spasm movements which for some reason strikes me as so funny. I just picture this tiny alien looking thing wigging out in my uterus.
More and more people are in the know. I told the girls on our trip this weekend. Rhonda seriously looked pissed at me, I was scared. There was lots of squealing and happiness. I've told a few more friends and extended family is finding out from other family. Three more weeks and I'll start telling people for realsies. It seems to be taking forever to get there and I'm not even sure I want people to know right away. A friend of mine was pregnant with twins and didn't tell anyone at work until five months. I'm wondering if I can get away with that? Probably not. Plus if you know me at all, keeping my mouth shut isn't one of my talents.
On the girl's trip we had much fun but there was also lots of tired from Kate and baby. I'm glad my friends were understanding. I was sort of a downer. However, much to my anger, I was up bright and early at 7 AM every day. I would much rather be early to bed late to rise right now but the incessant need to pee makes it early to bed SUPER early to rise. Awesome. I broke the rules and went on a roller coaster. I KNOW, I'm such a rebel. It was a blast and worth every second. I also ate enough food to keep this baby fed for the rest of the pregnancy. Still no weight gain though! Yay me.
I was asking my Grandma about her pregnancies this weekend. She said she didn't really even show other than a little pooch until she was almost seven months pregnant. Judging from my Mom's not showing until about six months I'm starting to think I'll be late in showing too. I'm starting to like the idea of only having a few months in maternity clothes, but as I've said a million times before, I'm not holding my breath.
Still no real nausea. I feel tired and a wee bit sick which all together equals a general crappy state, but overall I'm counting my blessings. Minor car sickness still hits me every once in a while but it's nothing I can't handle. The other telltale pregnancy symptoms are present but in very mild forms. The boobs have calmed down. The, uh, digestive system seems to be doing OK all things considered. Nine months of slow going isn't going to be pleasant but it's nothing a little bottle of Benefiber can't help, right? Still no food aversions, but I have found that I'm craving Root Beer? So strange. I'm trying to drink mostly water or lemonade but about twice a week I get myself a huge Root Beer and it makes me so happy. I'm also craving salt, which doesn't surprise me considering my already low-ish blood pressure which will only continue to get lower as I get up to 40% more blood in my body. Wheeee!
I can definitely tell I'm more feisty. I almost had it out with my car service guy this morning. Granted, he made a dumb mistake and I would have been mad no matter what, but I was definitely more pissed off than I would have been on a normal day. Also, when I'm cheerful? It's like I'm high on drugs. I am SO HAPPY when I'm happy. I didn't eat lunch today until really late, which would normally cause me to be pissed off at everyone, but today I was in such a good mood and I was practically skipping around the office. Weird.
So um, not much else to report. Body still looks and feels the same. Still working out almost every day. Still feeling good, still halfway don't believe I'm pregnant, though that ultrasound picture obviously tells me otherwise.
Only four million more days to go.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Slow Going?
So the family and a few family friends know. The excitement was definitely a little catching. I'm starting to feel it a little more, although I'm also feeling crappity crap, so it dulls the excitement some.
I have realized, however, that I might be the luckiest pregnant woman ever. My tired is like a normal persons every day feeling. My nausea is nothing like it could be. And the boob aches have dwindled quite a bit thank the heavens. Those have seriously been the worst part. Well that and the bloating. Thanks a lot, pregnant lady digestive system.
Sometimes I still feel like this is not real. Like I'm not sick enough to be pregnant, and I'm not getting fat enough to be pregnant. I'm sure it's normal to have fears like this, but then something like our friends finding out at seven months that their baby no longer had a heartbeat . . . and that this mother had to deliver her dead baby . . . my heart breaks for them and for any family who has ever had to go through anything like that. Then I feel guilty because I'm not nearly as excited as they were when they found out they were having a baby. Then around and around I go, guilty, crying, angry, happy, sad, feeling nothing.
As you can tell, my emotions are definitely heightened but I feel as though I've kept them in check for the most part. I am much more easily annoyed (which I thought wasn't humanly possible) and I do find tears sprouting at strange times. Something I thought didn't affect me much has been festering and I think I've decided my feelings are officially hurt - again something that doesn't happen to me often. It took a while, which makes me think it might have hurt my feelings anyway, but I'm still unsure. So, all in all I wouldn't say my emotions are out of control or that I've become the raging beotch you hear about, but heightened emotions surely does describe what I'm feeling lately.
I'm heading off for four days in California with my Ladies tomorrow. I'm going to tell them, though I'm still not sure how I'm going to tell them. It will probably involve the word "SUPREEZE!" I think they'd all just about given up on me so I'm preparing for some loud squealing. I'm also worried about my exhaustion. We usually stay up until all hours talking and laughing and I HATE missing out on that part but judging by my recent bedtime of "right after dinner" I'm not sure all hours of the night is going to happen for me. I might have to reintroduce caffeine, just for the four days. After two months of none at all, it will be interesting to see how that one would go.
I found a crib I'm madly MADLY in love with, and of course it's not at all cheap. However (and that's a big however) it's a convertible crib that functions as a toddler bed and eventually a headboard for a full sized mattress so I feel like I can justify the cost. And seriously? It's amazing. It might be a little feminine if we are growing a banana up in here, but I might be able to pull it off with some manly decor. I've also decided that no store bought bedding does it for me so I'm going the Etsy or find someone who sews route. The options there are so much better.
We need a new car. Mine needs brakes and turns out German car brakes are not so cheap. We also need something a little bigger and that won't be so hard to pull a car seat out of. I am sad because I love my car. It's been my baby and I will miss it, but we know enough car people that we can pull something off without spending a fortune. I might even be able to pull off another BMW which would make me oh so happy.
Husband has been grumpier than me lately which is lamesauce. I can't seem to pull him out of the funk. Pretty sure it's work and not me or the fetus, but who knows. Grumpy Matt is no fun.
So, I think that's it. Once again, lame update but hey, at least I'm writing.
I have realized, however, that I might be the luckiest pregnant woman ever. My tired is like a normal persons every day feeling. My nausea is nothing like it could be. And the boob aches have dwindled quite a bit thank the heavens. Those have seriously been the worst part. Well that and the bloating. Thanks a lot, pregnant lady digestive system.
Sometimes I still feel like this is not real. Like I'm not sick enough to be pregnant, and I'm not getting fat enough to be pregnant. I'm sure it's normal to have fears like this, but then something like our friends finding out at seven months that their baby no longer had a heartbeat . . . and that this mother had to deliver her dead baby . . . my heart breaks for them and for any family who has ever had to go through anything like that. Then I feel guilty because I'm not nearly as excited as they were when they found out they were having a baby. Then around and around I go, guilty, crying, angry, happy, sad, feeling nothing.
As you can tell, my emotions are definitely heightened but I feel as though I've kept them in check for the most part. I am much more easily annoyed (which I thought wasn't humanly possible) and I do find tears sprouting at strange times. Something I thought didn't affect me much has been festering and I think I've decided my feelings are officially hurt - again something that doesn't happen to me often. It took a while, which makes me think it might have hurt my feelings anyway, but I'm still unsure. So, all in all I wouldn't say my emotions are out of control or that I've become the raging beotch you hear about, but heightened emotions surely does describe what I'm feeling lately.
I'm heading off for four days in California with my Ladies tomorrow. I'm going to tell them, though I'm still not sure how I'm going to tell them. It will probably involve the word "SUPREEZE!" I think they'd all just about given up on me so I'm preparing for some loud squealing. I'm also worried about my exhaustion. We usually stay up until all hours talking and laughing and I HATE missing out on that part but judging by my recent bedtime of "right after dinner" I'm not sure all hours of the night is going to happen for me. I might have to reintroduce caffeine, just for the four days. After two months of none at all, it will be interesting to see how that one would go.
I found a crib I'm madly MADLY in love with, and of course it's not at all cheap. However (and that's a big however) it's a convertible crib that functions as a toddler bed and eventually a headboard for a full sized mattress so I feel like I can justify the cost. And seriously? It's amazing. It might be a little feminine if we are growing a banana up in here, but I might be able to pull it off with some manly decor. I've also decided that no store bought bedding does it for me so I'm going the Etsy or find someone who sews route. The options there are so much better.
We need a new car. Mine needs brakes and turns out German car brakes are not so cheap. We also need something a little bigger and that won't be so hard to pull a car seat out of. I am sad because I love my car. It's been my baby and I will miss it, but we know enough car people that we can pull something off without spending a fortune. I might even be able to pull off another BMW which would make me oh so happy.
Husband has been grumpier than me lately which is lamesauce. I can't seem to pull him out of the funk. Pretty sure it's work and not me or the fetus, but who knows. Grumpy Matt is no fun.
So, I think that's it. Once again, lame update but hey, at least I'm writing.
Friday, June 18, 2010
8 Weeks Down, 32 Long Ones to Go
Well, hello, nausea. It's nice to meet you. Sort of. It started two days ago. Today I'm at exactly eight weeks according to my due date. My be-fri Anne told me she was always fine until eight weeks. So, there you have it. Eight weeks seems to be my magical number too.
So here's the thing. This pregnancy nausea, at least my brand of it, is weird stuff. I haven't thrown up (thank heavens) and I can still eat anything I want to (just in smaller portions, which is strange to me) and smells still don't bother me too much, but I feel yucky ALL THE TIME. And even more strange is the fact that it's worse when I'm sitting down? I usually feel better if I get up and walk around. What are the odds of THAT? Also, it's not normal nausea. I don't even know how to describe it. It's just a weird, seasick kind of feeling that in no way makes me think of throwing up. It just makes me feel a bit woozy in a different place inside. Wasn't that a helpful description?
This little peanut is looking more human, less alien each time I look up a picture. Apparently it's just starting to get some involuntary muscle twitches and all that jazz. It's still pretty cool to think that I'm growing a person, but also very strange. And of course Matt pointed out that I'm not really actually growing it, it's just sort of taken over my body and I'm simply the host. I definitely feel that way. Here's a picture I found that claims to be an eight week embryo. See? Kinda human! And next week, we'll officially have ourselves a fetus.
So far no weight gain. In fact, I've lost a couple of pounds. I would expect that if I were throwing up but I was pleasantly surprised when I stepped on the scale the other day. I'm only supposed to gain about a pound during the first trimester, if that, and I'm eating healthy and the workout plan is still in place so I don't feel like losing a pound or two is a bad thing at this stage in the game.
Big shocker, I'm still exhausted. I fell asleep on the couch at 8:30 the other night after a really tough day at the gym. The devil teacher had us running sprints intermingled with weights and then the AC was out in the spin room so, while I took it easy, it was still brutally hard. Weirdly enough I always have enough energy to finish the workouts and I definitely feel better for doing them. I just come home afterwards and collapse.
I had a little bit of a rough week, emotionally, but the situation that spurred on the emotions probably would have made me emotional sans baby in the belly. I held it together pretty well, all things considered and I was able to control my emotions enough not to go on a name calling, insult ridden tirade - which is what I wanted to do. It's interesting knowing that I'm pregnant but not having other people know, especially in confrontational situations. It's like I'm a ticking time bomb that no one can hear ticking except me - but so far (knock on wood) I've felt I've been pretty good at being rational and logical in slightly rough situations.
Matt felt the first huge emotional mood swing the other night while we were on a walk. I had a sudden melt down having something to do with not feeling supported, which is RIDICULOUS because if you've met my husband, "supportive" is his middle name. I was just having a moment where I was scared and quite frankly, I think I just needed a cry. I got it out and five minutes later I was better. I truly feel sorry for my husband because if it gets worse, he's getting the worst of it and bipolar emotions just aren't something that this calm man understands.
Wednesday we did a healing, restorative yoga class at the gym. Our teacher is fantastic and very in-tune with our emotions and how to help. We were all having rough weeks so she changed her lesson plan to accommodate. We spent most of the hour opening up the heart chakra and I found myself crying several times as I let some of my hurt feelings and angry emotions, as well as some of the fear I've been having regarding this baby, out of my body. It felt amazing. I went home and cried some more and overall I've felt much better since. Yoga? Is freaking awesome.
Four more weeks until I feel comfortable telling the world. It seems like such a long time and the last four weeks seem to have gone soooo slowly, but I feel good about our decision to wait a little bit. Weirdly, I feel like it makes the time seem to go by faster (at least for the OTHER people around) when it's announced a little later. I don't think any of this will go by quickly for me but I'm happy to help other people feel like nine months went by in a blur!
I've started reading stroller and car seat reviews and I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing there as well. I'm already hitting Craig's List and eBay for the great finds. I figure I'll buy one great stroller and one great car seat that will last forever. The stroller I want comes in a plain black and you can buy different covers for all the car seats now so I don't have to worry too much about color on those, so I'm all about gently used as long as it's a brand I know I can trust.
I'm also already scoping out the maternity clothes I eventually want to wear. If I'm anything like my Mom, I won't be showing much until the last trimester. I remember when she was pregnant with my youngest brother she kept having to convince people she really was pregnant. I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It would be nice to show and not just look bloated, know what I mean? However, not looking like a beached whale at six months does sound awesome. If I'm lucky and my butt and hips stay close to the same size, I have a lot of REALLY low cut jeans that might just work for quite a while. I'm not holding my breath, but it's a possibility. I also have the advantage/disadvantage of being pear shaped, which means I usually have to buy pants that are bigger in the waist so they fit my thunder thighs. This means I've got a lot of pants with a few extra inches in the waistline. Also, I've got quite a lot of shirts that are empire waisted or kind of bigger in the belly area, so I might have some clothes that are going to work for a long time. Again, we'll see how that really works out, but I've started scoping out things that will probably work and I think I've got some good stuff. Most importantly, MAXI DRESSES and Half Tees. Going to get me lots and lots of those. Oh, and count on the fact that this girl will be wearing some serious pregnancy Spanx.
SO there you go. It appears my brain just vomited all over the page so congratulations if you're still reading. Me and the embryo appreciate your time and attention.
Kate and Baby out.
So here's the thing. This pregnancy nausea, at least my brand of it, is weird stuff. I haven't thrown up (thank heavens) and I can still eat anything I want to (just in smaller portions, which is strange to me) and smells still don't bother me too much, but I feel yucky ALL THE TIME. And even more strange is the fact that it's worse when I'm sitting down? I usually feel better if I get up and walk around. What are the odds of THAT? Also, it's not normal nausea. I don't even know how to describe it. It's just a weird, seasick kind of feeling that in no way makes me think of throwing up. It just makes me feel a bit woozy in a different place inside. Wasn't that a helpful description?
This little peanut is looking more human, less alien each time I look up a picture. Apparently it's just starting to get some involuntary muscle twitches and all that jazz. It's still pretty cool to think that I'm growing a person, but also very strange. And of course Matt pointed out that I'm not really actually growing it, it's just sort of taken over my body and I'm simply the host. I definitely feel that way. Here's a picture I found that claims to be an eight week embryo. See? Kinda human! And next week, we'll officially have ourselves a fetus.
So far no weight gain. In fact, I've lost a couple of pounds. I would expect that if I were throwing up but I was pleasantly surprised when I stepped on the scale the other day. I'm only supposed to gain about a pound during the first trimester, if that, and I'm eating healthy and the workout plan is still in place so I don't feel like losing a pound or two is a bad thing at this stage in the game.
Big shocker, I'm still exhausted. I fell asleep on the couch at 8:30 the other night after a really tough day at the gym. The devil teacher had us running sprints intermingled with weights and then the AC was out in the spin room so, while I took it easy, it was still brutally hard. Weirdly enough I always have enough energy to finish the workouts and I definitely feel better for doing them. I just come home afterwards and collapse.
I had a little bit of a rough week, emotionally, but the situation that spurred on the emotions probably would have made me emotional sans baby in the belly. I held it together pretty well, all things considered and I was able to control my emotions enough not to go on a name calling, insult ridden tirade - which is what I wanted to do. It's interesting knowing that I'm pregnant but not having other people know, especially in confrontational situations. It's like I'm a ticking time bomb that no one can hear ticking except me - but so far (knock on wood) I've felt I've been pretty good at being rational and logical in slightly rough situations.
Matt felt the first huge emotional mood swing the other night while we were on a walk. I had a sudden melt down having something to do with not feeling supported, which is RIDICULOUS because if you've met my husband, "supportive" is his middle name. I was just having a moment where I was scared and quite frankly, I think I just needed a cry. I got it out and five minutes later I was better. I truly feel sorry for my husband because if it gets worse, he's getting the worst of it and bipolar emotions just aren't something that this calm man understands.
Wednesday we did a healing, restorative yoga class at the gym. Our teacher is fantastic and very in-tune with our emotions and how to help. We were all having rough weeks so she changed her lesson plan to accommodate. We spent most of the hour opening up the heart chakra and I found myself crying several times as I let some of my hurt feelings and angry emotions, as well as some of the fear I've been having regarding this baby, out of my body. It felt amazing. I went home and cried some more and overall I've felt much better since. Yoga? Is freaking awesome.
Four more weeks until I feel comfortable telling the world. It seems like such a long time and the last four weeks seem to have gone soooo slowly, but I feel good about our decision to wait a little bit. Weirdly, I feel like it makes the time seem to go by faster (at least for the OTHER people around) when it's announced a little later. I don't think any of this will go by quickly for me but I'm happy to help other people feel like nine months went by in a blur!
I've started reading stroller and car seat reviews and I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing there as well. I'm already hitting Craig's List and eBay for the great finds. I figure I'll buy one great stroller and one great car seat that will last forever. The stroller I want comes in a plain black and you can buy different covers for all the car seats now so I don't have to worry too much about color on those, so I'm all about gently used as long as it's a brand I know I can trust.
I'm also already scoping out the maternity clothes I eventually want to wear. If I'm anything like my Mom, I won't be showing much until the last trimester. I remember when she was pregnant with my youngest brother she kept having to convince people she really was pregnant. I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It would be nice to show and not just look bloated, know what I mean? However, not looking like a beached whale at six months does sound awesome. If I'm lucky and my butt and hips stay close to the same size, I have a lot of REALLY low cut jeans that might just work for quite a while. I'm not holding my breath, but it's a possibility. I also have the advantage/disadvantage of being pear shaped, which means I usually have to buy pants that are bigger in the waist so they fit my thunder thighs. This means I've got a lot of pants with a few extra inches in the waistline. Also, I've got quite a lot of shirts that are empire waisted or kind of bigger in the belly area, so I might have some clothes that are going to work for a long time. Again, we'll see how that really works out, but I've started scoping out things that will probably work and I think I've got some good stuff. Most importantly, MAXI DRESSES and Half Tees. Going to get me lots and lots of those. Oh, and count on the fact that this girl will be wearing some serious pregnancy Spanx.
SO there you go. It appears my brain just vomited all over the page so congratulations if you're still reading. Me and the embryo appreciate your time and attention.
Kate and Baby out.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
At This Point, I Think the Cat Is Hanging On to the Outside of the Bag
So my Dad opened his Father's Day card yesterday. Six days early. Nice. I'm hoping my Grandpa and Grandma don't do the same thing. I got a call while shopping at Costco and didn't hear the phone ring. Surprise! I also told all my siblings and sent the card to my Stepmom, Lisa so she won't feel left out. Matt's parents card will be sent tomorrow and then the cat will have . . . run away?
Monday, June 14, 2010
Everyone Knows It But Nobody Says It Because They're Pregnant
Well, the cat is out of the bag. OK it's not out all the way, it's just got it's head free. Mom knows about the alien. It was her birthday today and that was my birthday present to her. I'm pretty sure hearing she's going to be a Grandma was one of the better presents she's ever been given. Even though I didn't really give this to her . . . I just sort of told her it was there. Right. She cried, which made me cry, and then we discussed how I'm feeling which is still . . . unsure.
The rest of the fam will find out on Sunday and then the girlfriends will get told the next weekend and after that I think I'll just wait a couple of weeks to tell work and then that cat will no longer be anywhere near a bag. Then maybe I'll start getting excited or something like it.
Still no throwing up or food aversions of any kind. I can eat it all. Beef, chicken, seafood, dairy, sugar ... whatever. Mom said she never had any food aversions either and her sister said the same thing. I'll have to ask Grandma how she was but it sounds like we're genetically awesome for the first trimester though it does mean no weight loss, which is good/bad/sad/awesome all at the same time.
I keep thinking about birth size, which is dumb considering the current size of this thing, but Matt was almost ten pounds when he was born as were both of his brothers. This terrified me to no end until I found out that they were all like THREE weeks late! The baby grows a pound a week at the end so three weeks late means if they were on time they would have been six pounds or so, which is fine by me! I've read that Mom's diet and exercise habits directly affect birth weight so I'm trying (not succeeding all the way, but trying) to eat well and I'm a big giant A+ on the exercising if you want my opinion. Tonight I'm hitting Spin and Toning classes and tomorrow I'm going to try to gulp down my fear of running and go to both Sculpting and Spin with the teacher from hell (WHO, by the way, knows I'm pregnant and is not going any easier on me. SEE? Teacher from hell). We're going to make this baby 7 lbs by golly. Yes, I just said "by golly" and I meant it. IN THE SEVEN POUND RANGE. None of this eight, nine, ten bull. SEVENish.
I've started thinking about a birth plan and again, I'm undecided. There's lots of reasons I like all options. I don't love the hospital choices with my current doctor but I really like the doctor. One of the hospitals has a midwife program which sounds fantastic but it's a midwife and not a doctor and it's not monthly ultrasounds and I can't have a doctor AND a midwife. Maybe a doula? I've also considered a new doctor because finding a new doctor means going to the hospital I love but it means finding a new doctor. And I have no idea how I feel about epidural, natural, laboring in a birth tub, do I want to use a ball? A stool? I guess I have my homework cut out for me. I keep thinking I have such a long time to think about all of this but then I realize how quickly the first six months of this year went by and then I realize that I only have about that much plus a month until OH MY GOSH I HAVE A BABY. So, yeah. Not so much time.
I think we're settled on a name if it's a boy (WHICH IT'S NOT but if it is, at least he has a name) which we both really, really like. The middle name is for sure Michael, after Matt's brother who passed away a long time ago, as well as my Stepfather who passed away as well. The girl name that I've loved my whole life is SO overused right now I'm thinking of using it for a middle name and I've sort of settled on a really classy first name. Matt seems on board with the first name but doesn't love it with the middle name but I think after I GROW AND PUSH OUT THIS BABY, I might just get my way. It's a beautiful name, for the record. Gorgeous, actually. I'm sort of in love with it. I'm not sure if we're going to share the names or not. That part is undecided. I want to share, but part of me doesn't because it would be fun to copy the ever hilarious "Pregnant Women are Smug" song and just tell everyone "Ohhhh we know, but we're not telling." That and people's judgy faces when you tell them your name and they hate it? No bueno.
And wow, I feel sorry for people reading this. It's all so lame and nothing interesting. Maybe I should just start summing everything up in bullet form:
The rest of the fam will find out on Sunday and then the girlfriends will get told the next weekend and after that I think I'll just wait a couple of weeks to tell work and then that cat will no longer be anywhere near a bag. Then maybe I'll start getting excited or something like it.
Still no throwing up or food aversions of any kind. I can eat it all. Beef, chicken, seafood, dairy, sugar ... whatever. Mom said she never had any food aversions either and her sister said the same thing. I'll have to ask Grandma how she was but it sounds like we're genetically awesome for the first trimester though it does mean no weight loss, which is good/bad/sad/awesome all at the same time.
I keep thinking about birth size, which is dumb considering the current size of this thing, but Matt was almost ten pounds when he was born as were both of his brothers. This terrified me to no end until I found out that they were all like THREE weeks late! The baby grows a pound a week at the end so three weeks late means if they were on time they would have been six pounds or so, which is fine by me! I've read that Mom's diet and exercise habits directly affect birth weight so I'm trying (not succeeding all the way, but trying) to eat well and I'm a big giant A+ on the exercising if you want my opinion. Tonight I'm hitting Spin and Toning classes and tomorrow I'm going to try to gulp down my fear of running and go to both Sculpting and Spin with the teacher from hell (WHO, by the way, knows I'm pregnant and is not going any easier on me. SEE? Teacher from hell). We're going to make this baby 7 lbs by golly. Yes, I just said "by golly" and I meant it. IN THE SEVEN POUND RANGE. None of this eight, nine, ten bull. SEVENish.
I've started thinking about a birth plan and again, I'm undecided. There's lots of reasons I like all options. I don't love the hospital choices with my current doctor but I really like the doctor. One of the hospitals has a midwife program which sounds fantastic but it's a midwife and not a doctor and it's not monthly ultrasounds and I can't have a doctor AND a midwife. Maybe a doula? I've also considered a new doctor because finding a new doctor means going to the hospital I love but it means finding a new doctor. And I have no idea how I feel about epidural, natural, laboring in a birth tub, do I want to use a ball? A stool? I guess I have my homework cut out for me. I keep thinking I have such a long time to think about all of this but then I realize how quickly the first six months of this year went by and then I realize that I only have about that much plus a month until OH MY GOSH I HAVE A BABY. So, yeah. Not so much time.
I think we're settled on a name if it's a boy (WHICH IT'S NOT but if it is, at least he has a name) which we both really, really like. The middle name is for sure Michael, after Matt's brother who passed away a long time ago, as well as my Stepfather who passed away as well. The girl name that I've loved my whole life is SO overused right now I'm thinking of using it for a middle name and I've sort of settled on a really classy first name. Matt seems on board with the first name but doesn't love it with the middle name but I think after I GROW AND PUSH OUT THIS BABY, I might just get my way. It's a beautiful name, for the record. Gorgeous, actually. I'm sort of in love with it. I'm not sure if we're going to share the names or not. That part is undecided. I want to share, but part of me doesn't because it would be fun to copy the ever hilarious "Pregnant Women are Smug" song and just tell everyone "Ohhhh we know, but we're not telling." That and people's judgy faces when you tell them your name and they hate it? No bueno.
And wow, I feel sorry for people reading this. It's all so lame and nothing interesting. Maybe I should just start summing everything up in bullet form:
- Mom knows and is excited
- Unsure of how the hell I feel
- Unsure of what the hell to do
- Unsure of what the hell to name it
Friday, June 11, 2010
Seven. ONLY SEVEN????
This first few weeks have been super slow and super boring and, well, pretty annoying.
I keep thinking this is all just a big episode of Punk'd because I'm not feeling pregnant or looking pregnant. (Well DUH Kate, you're all saying. The baby is barely the size of a blueberry. You eat pancakes bigger than that and don't show. To that I say touche and leave me alone. I'm pregnant and I want to look it or something here.) I still feel tired and it's starting to piss me off. I'm not an exhausted person. I have BOUNDLESS ENERGY. Thanks a lot, baby. See? Super annoyed.
This last week working out became more of a chore. I'm sure it's got a lot to do with the fact that it hit 115 degrees. The Tuesday Body Sculpting teacher made it very clear last week that we were running and sprinting with weights. That's about the time my brain says "Body? It's hot outside and we hate running so we're out." I've been showing up for the last fifteen minutes of class to do some arms and abs. I'm hoping if I keep my core strenght up I can prevent . . .I don't know what. SOMETHING horrible from happening to my body because of this baby. I have been skippingout on Monday spin class (mostly because I'm not a fan of the teacher) but I've been diligent with Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday as well as keeping up my twice a week Yoga. I also started doing Pilates with a wonderful girlfriend of mine who just bought a reformer and needs people to experiment on. I sure signed myself right up for that. My first session was last night. It was hard but I loved it. I'm thinking once a week should do the trick on that one. Turns out my body is all crooked. Here's my surprised face. See it? Once again, annoyed.
The cards with the ultrasound picture have been officially sent out to the grandparental units. Most of them get a Father's Day surprise while my Mom gets a birthday surprise. Sealing those envelopes was nerve racking. I'm ready to start telling everyone in some ways but in others I just want to pretend this isn't happening and once I tell people, I can't do that anymore. As of Monday, Grandma Jan will know and then as of Sunday, the rest of the family will. After that we'll probably wait until the first trimester is over to tell church and work and all that jazz but holy ish, this is for realsies.
Still no smell aversions in general, though I have moments of surprising nausea that go away quickly. The elevators at work are the biggest culprits. I think the combination of the movement with the enclosed people smells does me in. I almost vomit every time I take a prenatal vitamin, but that I think has something to do with the taste of the pill on my tongue and my aversion to vitamins in general and not so much the alien sucking my life out of me. Matt has had the stomach flu which means that so far, he's the only one in this family barfing. I'm praying please don't let me get this illness. It's been going around and I do not want. DO YOU HEAR ME, GOD? DO. NOT. WANT. Don't make me come up there.
As for morning sickness, I can't decide whether I want or do not want. I think it would be nice to know that the hormones are doing their job and making me sick. I would also like to maybe lose a few pounds here in the first trimester before I blow up like a balloon. I know, I know that's sick and wrong but lots of women do it, why can't I? But then there's the whole throwing up thing. I would rather have pneumonia than throw up, so you see my dilemna.
The nails and hair are growing at a rate never before seen on this planet. For the hair, good. For the fingernails, no thank you. I'm not a fan of long natural fingernails. Cut 'em off. Also, not a fan of toenails growing faster than I can keep up with pedicures. To this I say again, an-noyed.
Someday hopefully these posts will turn to things filled with hope and joy and longing to meet my offspring. Until then, alloy me to simply say:
ANNOYED.
I keep thinking this is all just a big episode of Punk'd because I'm not feeling pregnant or looking pregnant. (Well DUH Kate, you're all saying. The baby is barely the size of a blueberry. You eat pancakes bigger than that and don't show. To that I say touche and leave me alone. I'm pregnant and I want to look it or something here.) I still feel tired and it's starting to piss me off. I'm not an exhausted person. I have BOUNDLESS ENERGY. Thanks a lot, baby. See? Super annoyed.
This last week working out became more of a chore. I'm sure it's got a lot to do with the fact that it hit 115 degrees. The Tuesday Body Sculpting teacher made it very clear last week that we were running and sprinting with weights. That's about the time my brain says "Body? It's hot outside and we hate running so we're out." I've been showing up for the last fifteen minutes of class to do some arms and abs. I'm hoping if I keep my core strenght up I can prevent . . .I don't know what. SOMETHING horrible from happening to my body because of this baby. I have been skippingout on Monday spin class (mostly because I'm not a fan of the teacher) but I've been diligent with Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday as well as keeping up my twice a week Yoga. I also started doing Pilates with a wonderful girlfriend of mine who just bought a reformer and needs people to experiment on. I sure signed myself right up for that. My first session was last night. It was hard but I loved it. I'm thinking once a week should do the trick on that one. Turns out my body is all crooked. Here's my surprised face. See it? Once again, annoyed.
The cards with the ultrasound picture have been officially sent out to the grandparental units. Most of them get a Father's Day surprise while my Mom gets a birthday surprise. Sealing those envelopes was nerve racking. I'm ready to start telling everyone in some ways but in others I just want to pretend this isn't happening and once I tell people, I can't do that anymore. As of Monday, Grandma Jan will know and then as of Sunday, the rest of the family will. After that we'll probably wait until the first trimester is over to tell church and work and all that jazz but holy ish, this is for realsies.
Still no smell aversions in general, though I have moments of surprising nausea that go away quickly. The elevators at work are the biggest culprits. I think the combination of the movement with the enclosed people smells does me in. I almost vomit every time I take a prenatal vitamin, but that I think has something to do with the taste of the pill on my tongue and my aversion to vitamins in general and not so much the alien sucking my life out of me. Matt has had the stomach flu which means that so far, he's the only one in this family barfing. I'm praying please don't let me get this illness. It's been going around and I do not want. DO YOU HEAR ME, GOD? DO. NOT. WANT. Don't make me come up there.
As for morning sickness, I can't decide whether I want or do not want. I think it would be nice to know that the hormones are doing their job and making me sick. I would also like to maybe lose a few pounds here in the first trimester before I blow up like a balloon. I know, I know that's sick and wrong but lots of women do it, why can't I? But then there's the whole throwing up thing. I would rather have pneumonia than throw up, so you see my dilemna.
The nails and hair are growing at a rate never before seen on this planet. For the hair, good. For the fingernails, no thank you. I'm not a fan of long natural fingernails. Cut 'em off. Also, not a fan of toenails growing faster than I can keep up with pedicures. To this I say again, an-noyed.
Someday hopefully these posts will turn to things filled with hope and joy and longing to meet my offspring. Until then, alloy me to simply say:
ANNOYED.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Trucking Along
So everyone keeps asking me if I'm pregnant. I know I'm not showing yet so it's probably the fact that I'm so tired all the time. Either that or PEOPLE JUST KNOW, which is creepy in and of itself. Plus I'm a horrible liar so if you're one of the people I've lied to, please accept my apologies but come on, did you really believe my mumbled response??
I'm working on getting attached to this little thing. The day I saw the heartbeat was a good day. I was excited. Yesterday, not such a good day. I was panicking. I'm hoping the excited days become more frequent than the not exciting days and I'm hoping a lot of it is just FREAKING HORMONES THAT MAKE ME INSANE.
All in all, so far, so good. The score at this point is Kate: 2 Baby: 1. Baby gets a point for making me tired. I get two points because I'm awesome.
For fun, here's a picture of what this little sucker might look like. See? Slightly human! Stubs, partial ears and even some alien eyes. Awww so ... creepy.
This whole thing is making me feel like a giant hypochondriac. I can't tell if certain symptoms are popping up because I think they're supposed to or if they really are. It's been determined that the sore twins (aka boobies) are an actual symptom. The car sickness has been confirmed as a symptom after reading a couple of other women's blogs discussing the same thing. Today it feels like the nausea may have made it's first appearance but I still seriously wonder if I'm just making it all up. I keep over analyzing every little twinge of hunger, cramps, headache . . . everything. I'm hoping I'm just making up the nausea and that I never ever get morning sick. And I'm laughing at myself for even thinking that now. I've just jinxed myself to a life of barfing and IV fluid, haven't I? If I remember right, most of my girlfriends said their morning sickness didn't make it's grand entrance until about week eight so we've got two more weeks to see what really happens.
My prenatal vitamins are literally the size of a house and my past experience with oral vitamins is no bueno. I usually throw up if I don't eat food with vitamins - it seems to be the only time my stomach acts at all sensitive. Well, as luck would have it the prenatal vitamins are supposed to be taken an hour before a meal and at least two hours after. I'm not sure if the makes of these vitamins have MET pregnant women but that just doesn't seem realistic. I'm giving it my best shot though. I'm on day two and haven't ralphed yet. We'll see how it goes.
I'm officially six weeks and I looked up pictures of a six week old embryo today. It's finally somewhat recognizable as something that will become human. It's pretty amazing how quickly this sucker is growing and it's even more amazing that my body has what it takes to do all of this incubating. PS, if you Google "six week old embryo" there are also some pretty nasty things like cat embryos and aborted ones too. Memo to me, next time look on a day when the stability of the stomach is NOT in question. Just saying.
Did I mention I'm attempting to keep up my insane workout schedule? Spin Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. Body sculpting Tuesday and Thursday (and sometimes Monday). Yoga Wednesday and Saturday. So far, so good. My mean old teacher added a ton of cardio to Tuesday's body sculpt class and I really thought I was going to die from all the running but by the time I finished up the sculpt class and spin I was feeling pretty great. Yoga was awesome this week and I'm very excited to keep it up long term. I skipped sculpting last night because my sister just arrived from New Orleans but we did spin together. She barfed and not me. How's THAT for the pregnant lady kicking the skinny lady's butt, huh? (Ok, in fairness to Meagan she hasn't worked out in a long time and my teacher might actually be the female incarnation of the devil. I've been dealing with her for over six months and this was Meg's first time. We'll cut her some slack.) I'm so hoping that if I can workout this much through the exhaustion phase that I can keep it up through the whole pregnancy and minimize the weight of my arse and this baby. Sadly, at this point I'm more worried about my arse, but I'm sure that will change. Or maybe not.
All in all, so far, so good. The score at this point is Kate: 2 Baby: 1. Baby gets a point for making me tired. I get two points because I'm awesome.
For fun, here's a picture of what this little sucker might look like. See? Slightly human! Stubs, partial ears and even some alien eyes. Awww so ... creepy.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Peanut
Well, it's official. We've seen our tiny 3mm peanut of a child and it has a heartbeat. And there's only one of it. I will admit I was sort of (SORT OF) hoping for twins just because then I could be pregnant once and be done forever with two delightful babies. Alas, it was not to be. One peanut/alien/blueberry for us.
I think Matt almost died during the appointment. I casually mentioned the, uh, methods used at the OB/GYN, specifically the first ultrasound, last night as we were getting ready for bed. He got uncomfortable THEN and asked why I hadn't given him more warning. Cut to this morning when I'm on the table in the stirrups and the uncomfortable level shot to a level I'm not sure he knew existed.
Then, there she was. Our tiny baby with her super speedy heartbeat, hanging out inside of me. Not gonna lie, it was pretty cool. I'm still in a bit of shock. I think maybe I thought it was a false positive or something, given that I haven't had too many pregnancy symptoms, but nope. Definitely, definitely pregnant.
Now there's no going back. See the tiny dot on the right side of the black ball? That's our future. Wow, sir. I mean, wow. Official due date January 28, 2011.
I think Matt almost died during the appointment. I casually mentioned the, uh, methods used at the OB/GYN, specifically the first ultrasound, last night as we were getting ready for bed. He got uncomfortable THEN and asked why I hadn't given him more warning. Cut to this morning when I'm on the table in the stirrups and the uncomfortable level shot to a level I'm not sure he knew existed.
Then, there she was. Our tiny baby with her super speedy heartbeat, hanging out inside of me. Not gonna lie, it was pretty cool. I'm still in a bit of shock. I think maybe I thought it was a false positive or something, given that I haven't had too many pregnancy symptoms, but nope. Definitely, definitely pregnant.
Now there's no going back. See the tiny dot on the right side of the black ball? That's our future. Wow, sir. I mean, wow. Official due date January 28, 2011.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
SUPREEESE!
I only took the pee test because I wanted to know if I had to take tampons to the cabin that day. I'm not sure WHAT I was thinking, doing something like that right before I was leaving to spend almost three days with my girlfriends. Chalk that up to one more reason why I'm a big dummy.
We'd had five years without the hint of an accident. We'd never been irresponsible or even close to it when it came to the possibility of a pregnancy. Plus, we'd both wondered if maybe we couldn't have kids. I mean, most of my friends had accidents and we never had. Maybe our baby makers were broken! Until Mother's Day. And then, I just figured that ONE TIME not being careful in five years doesn't a baby make.
**Pause for laughter from the crowd.**
Once again, Kate is a big dummy.
The first test took 30 seconds to blast me with a "Pregnant." I stared at it and kept waiting for the "NOT" part to appear on the screen. It wasn't happening and to be honest, I sort of felt like the pregnancy test had ripped me off. I was SUPPOSED to have THREE MINUTES to contemplate the universe before I got my answer. I ripped the second test out of it's wrapper and tried again. Lucky me, I was out of pee. "Error" flashed on the screen this time - or a little book of some sort implying error. Error? ERROR???? What.The.Hell.
I took a second to breathe and clear my head and grabbed my keys and drove as fast as I could to the pharmacy. Ice and pregnancy tests. Ice and pregnancy tests. Lots and lots of pregnancy tests.
Pregnant.
Pregnant.
Pregnant.
Well, sh*t. These tests weren't messing around.
I called Matt at work, trying to keep it together so I didn't scare him.
"So, um, what time are you coming home?"
"Well dear it's 4:00. Probably not leaving for an hour."
"How about you come home now *sniffle*"
"What's wrong?"
"IneedyoutocomehomenowbecauseI'm . . .*sob* . . .um . . . *sob, sob* . . . I'mPREGNANT*sobsobsobsob*"
I couldn't decide how to feel so I was crying. Part of me was FREAKING OUT. Part of me was really excited. Part of me was already mourning the awesome life of dual income, no kids. Honest to goodness, I started mourning the loss of my BMW. Shallow? Absolutely but dangit I LOVE THAT CAR and I know it's gotta go. If my child ever reads this, I hope they appreciate my shallow honesty. I'm a planner. Everything in my life is according to a plan. THIS? Not in the plan until October. ITALY was in the plan. Well, originally Greece but then they went all bankrupt and started rioting and all that good stuff so we moved a little west. Pasta and St. Peter's and The David and Gelato were all in the plan. Cribs and nursery's and car seats were supposed to come after that.
Needless to say he came home right away.
I think Matt was sharing my emotions but he was oh so much calmer. This was expected since it's part of the reason I married him. He was sweet and reassuring and all the things a great husband should be. We sat and talked for a little while and then I had to leave.
Keeping my mouth shut was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I am an open book kind of person. Not sharing a HUGE secret like this was very, very hard for my big mouth. Especially when three of the girls had brand new babies and there was a lot of talk about the misery of pregnancy. I hope none of the girls feel bad when they see this but I? Sort of wanted to shoot myself a few times.
It's been ten days and the news has started to settle. I had to tell my dentist this morning since I was about to be all numbed up. He was very excited for me but told me his wife didn't get excited until about 8-10 weeks with all her pregnancies. It made me feel a little less like a freak.
So far my symptoms include exhaustion and EXHAUSTION. Oh, and I have to pee a lot. I have only been nauseous a couple of times and it's mostly in the car. It's got to be a symptom because I never get car sick, but other than that I have no food or smell aversions, no morning sickness or any of that.
We haven't told anyone yet. My Mom is probably going to die of a heart attack when I tell her. Seriously. I can hear the screaming and fainting now. It feels like EVERYONE knows even though they don't. Since we found out it feels like everyone is asking when we're thinking about having kids. The best lie I can muster is "soon."
My first appointment is tomorrow. My favorite OB in the whole widest world doesn't take my new insurance so I'm on the hunt for a new doctor. I have lots of recommendations but so far the one who does an ultrasound whenever you want one sound the most appealing.
By the way, it's going to be a girl. I don't think I can handle TWO deviations from the life plan this year so I'm just putting that out there in the universe. Again, if this tiny fetus is a boy and reading this someday just know that both my Mom and I always felt like a girl would come first. If I'm wrong, expect some tears and some time getting used to it and then I'll jump into boy mode with all my soul.
If I did the math right the due date is January 24th. Again, not part of the plan because I firmly believe all children should be born AT LEAST two months away from Christmas but apparently God has other ideas. I'd show you my surprised face if I could.
I'm going to try to keep the pregnancy talk to a minimum over at the original Kateastrophe. This will be my place to whine about my stretch marks and my fat face and my aches and pains. I figured it was better this way. I probably won't be sharing names or any intimate details, but I'm still not sure. I might turn this into a private blog eventually but who knows. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I'm not a very private person.
So, here goes. Let the incubation begin!
We'd had five years without the hint of an accident. We'd never been irresponsible or even close to it when it came to the possibility of a pregnancy. Plus, we'd both wondered if maybe we couldn't have kids. I mean, most of my friends had accidents and we never had. Maybe our baby makers were broken! Until Mother's Day. And then, I just figured that ONE TIME not being careful in five years doesn't a baby make.
**Pause for laughter from the crowd.**
Once again, Kate is a big dummy.
The first test took 30 seconds to blast me with a "Pregnant." I stared at it and kept waiting for the "NOT" part to appear on the screen. It wasn't happening and to be honest, I sort of felt like the pregnancy test had ripped me off. I was SUPPOSED to have THREE MINUTES to contemplate the universe before I got my answer. I ripped the second test out of it's wrapper and tried again. Lucky me, I was out of pee. "Error" flashed on the screen this time - or a little book of some sort implying error. Error? ERROR???? What.The.Hell.
I took a second to breathe and clear my head and grabbed my keys and drove as fast as I could to the pharmacy. Ice and pregnancy tests. Ice and pregnancy tests. Lots and lots of pregnancy tests.
Pregnant.
Pregnant.
Pregnant.
Well, sh*t. These tests weren't messing around.
I called Matt at work, trying to keep it together so I didn't scare him.
"So, um, what time are you coming home?"
"Well dear it's 4:00. Probably not leaving for an hour."
"How about you come home now *sniffle*"
"What's wrong?"
"IneedyoutocomehomenowbecauseI'm . . .*sob* . . .um . . . *sob, sob* . . . I'mPREGNANT*sobsobsobsob*"
I couldn't decide how to feel so I was crying. Part of me was FREAKING OUT. Part of me was really excited. Part of me was already mourning the awesome life of dual income, no kids. Honest to goodness, I started mourning the loss of my BMW. Shallow? Absolutely but dangit I LOVE THAT CAR and I know it's gotta go. If my child ever reads this, I hope they appreciate my shallow honesty. I'm a planner. Everything in my life is according to a plan. THIS? Not in the plan until October. ITALY was in the plan. Well, originally Greece but then they went all bankrupt and started rioting and all that good stuff so we moved a little west. Pasta and St. Peter's and The David and Gelato were all in the plan. Cribs and nursery's and car seats were supposed to come after that.
Needless to say he came home right away.
I think Matt was sharing my emotions but he was oh so much calmer. This was expected since it's part of the reason I married him. He was sweet and reassuring and all the things a great husband should be. We sat and talked for a little while and then I had to leave.
Keeping my mouth shut was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I am an open book kind of person. Not sharing a HUGE secret like this was very, very hard for my big mouth. Especially when three of the girls had brand new babies and there was a lot of talk about the misery of pregnancy. I hope none of the girls feel bad when they see this but I? Sort of wanted to shoot myself a few times.
It's been ten days and the news has started to settle. I had to tell my dentist this morning since I was about to be all numbed up. He was very excited for me but told me his wife didn't get excited until about 8-10 weeks with all her pregnancies. It made me feel a little less like a freak.
So far my symptoms include exhaustion and EXHAUSTION. Oh, and I have to pee a lot. I have only been nauseous a couple of times and it's mostly in the car. It's got to be a symptom because I never get car sick, but other than that I have no food or smell aversions, no morning sickness or any of that.
We haven't told anyone yet. My Mom is probably going to die of a heart attack when I tell her. Seriously. I can hear the screaming and fainting now. It feels like EVERYONE knows even though they don't. Since we found out it feels like everyone is asking when we're thinking about having kids. The best lie I can muster is "soon."
My first appointment is tomorrow. My favorite OB in the whole widest world doesn't take my new insurance so I'm on the hunt for a new doctor. I have lots of recommendations but so far the one who does an ultrasound whenever you want one sound the most appealing.
By the way, it's going to be a girl. I don't think I can handle TWO deviations from the life plan this year so I'm just putting that out there in the universe. Again, if this tiny fetus is a boy and reading this someday just know that both my Mom and I always felt like a girl would come first. If I'm wrong, expect some tears and some time getting used to it and then I'll jump into boy mode with all my soul.
If I did the math right the due date is January 24th. Again, not part of the plan because I firmly believe all children should be born AT LEAST two months away from Christmas but apparently God has other ideas. I'd show you my surprised face if I could.
I'm going to try to keep the pregnancy talk to a minimum over at the original Kateastrophe. This will be my place to whine about my stretch marks and my fat face and my aches and pains. I figured it was better this way. I probably won't be sharing names or any intimate details, but I'm still not sure. I might turn this into a private blog eventually but who knows. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I'm not a very private person.
So, here goes. Let the incubation begin!
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