Saying Goodbye

We lost our baby on Wednesday.  Well, actually several weeks before that, but my body didn't really get the memo until Wednesday.  It started as brown spotting which everyone says is no problem, just fine.  After lunch it was no longer "no problem, just fine" and we rushed to the doctors office.  Our fears were confirmed as we saw the tiny baby disconnected from it's home on the side of my uterus and laying at the bottom with no heartbeat.

I think I knew this was coming.  I kept telling people that I wasn't sick enough or tired enough to be nine weeks pregnant.  They told me maybe I was just lucky.  As much as I hoped that would be true, I think deep down I just knew this baby wasn't going to make it.  So, finding out we'd lost it wasn't as hard as I think it might have been or might be for other women.  I was sad and there was definitely crying and aching from a place I didn't know existed, but overall I felt very at peace with what had taken place.  Earlier in this blog I mentioned our friend who lost her baby at seven months.  I cannot imagine knowing this child's movements, their face, their name . . . having the nursery almost complete and clothes hanging in the closet.  If it was going to happen, this was the time.  I felt connected to this baby in a way I cannot put into words but it still was a little surreal to me and I think that made losing it just a little bit easier.  I'd so much rather have gone through this than about ten thousand other scenarios that keep going through my head.  Peace laced with sadness would be the way I would describe my emotions.  

The doctor gave us two options, D&C or wait it out and let the body do what it is made to do.  One would be over quickly but expensive.  The other would be painful and unpredictable, taking up to two weeks to complete.  We went home with the intent of waiting it out but that just didn't sit right with me.  I started researching and found that sometimes Cytotec was used to help hurry along the natural miscarriage process.  I asked for that option.  The doctor stated that Cytotec would make an already painful outlook even more so and that I would absolutely need to take a Percocet with my Cytotec.  He also told me that there was no guarantee the medication would work and that I might be in pain for nothing.  However, I was already bleeding which usually means that my body was close to doing it's own thing anyway, so I just decided to give it a try.

After filling my prescriptions for the Cytotec and the necessary Percocet, I went home to wait it out.  I was told this was going to be extremely painful and everything I read online confirmed that in stronger words.  "Worst pain of my life" was used more than once.  I have a high pain threshold so I figured I could handle it.  My first six hours were basically like menstrual cramps and I thought maybe these people were pansies.  Little did I know that I would literally be in the worst pain of my life the six hours after that.  There were points, as I was literally sweating from the pain, that I wished I could just die for a few minutes to escape what was going on.  Right at about hour ten and a half, when the pain was the worst, the miscarriage seems to have officially taken place.  I don't know how painful a natural miscarriage would have been, so I guess I can't officially say that taking the Cytotec was worth it, but I can tell you that I have never been as relieved as the moment I knew the worst was over and there would be no more waiting.  My sister was an angel sent from God.  She massaged my back and legs and with her recently acquired nursing degree she helped me verify everything that was happening every step of the way.  She slept with me and calmed me and even cleaned up after me when it was all I could do to crawl to my bed and cry.

While I needed my sister to be my nurse, I needed my husband to be there to mourn with me and hold me and help me mentally feel better.  I'm so indescribably grateful for the amazing man that I married.  There are those moments in life where you realize you had no idea how much your spouse loves you and this was one of them.  I see my husband through different eyes and I love him more than I ever thought possible through this experience.   He is my solid foundation and I think I would have died without him.  He doesn't say much and I know he was hurting as well, but he put all that aside to be there for me and I cannot find the words to say thank you to him.

I was so grateful I chose the option that I did and that I was done so quickly.  I think it really helped me start moving past the situation and allowed me to work with Matt to decide what was next.  Over the next two days there would be more cramping, etc. (I'm just going to leave it at "etc" and spare you the gory details) but nothing like that six hours.  I feel I can safely say I'm done and my body is starting to recover.  I'm a bit anemic and tired but other than that I'm finally starting to feel like myself again.

In our religion, we believe that any children that are lost, be they embryo, fetus, baby, toddler, child, tween or teenager, will be ours to raise in eternity.  Despite my not being as attached as I maybe could or should have been, this gives me comfort.  That little beating heart that Matt and I created together is our child.  It's ours to love and think of and miss and someday nurture and watch grow into someone amazing.  I can't wait to someday meet him or her. 

I hope that nothing I say here in any way discounts what other women have been through.  This was my experience, my pain, my loss and my journey alone to share with my husband.  I am grateful that I have a resilient personality and I'm not huddled in a pile on the floor, but I completely sympathize with someone who might have experience those emotions.  I learned a lot this week about who I am and what I am capable of.  I know I couldn't do it without the people that God has put in my life to buoy me up.  I count myself as a strong person, but time and time again I am shown that none of us are strong enough to get through the pains of life alone and I'm so grateful for the wonderful souls who act as my life boat.

I come away from this with a better knowledge of what I want from life and how to accomplish it.  I have a new focus and determination to do things in a better way.  Some people are probably expecting a huge change from me, and I'm sorry to disappoint them but that's not the focus I found.  There will be no 180 degree turns from this girl.  There will be a greater joy in the goals I had and the new goals I will make.  There will be more love in my home and more appreciation for things I may have overlooked.  I am, in a way, angry that I had to go through this but more than that I am thankful for this trial because it has shown me so much about who I can be.

So that is my story.  And this blog, despite what I originally thought, will not go away.  I will continue to document my growth as a person and hopefully someday as a mother, but that part will have to wait.

Goodbye, baby.  I love you forever and I'm thankful for all you've taught me in six short weeks.  I hope to feel you watching over me and your family until we meet again.


Love, 
Momma