Sigh

Well, firstly, my second blood test came back with HCG levels doubling as they should.  Then I was off to Utah for Thanksgiving and scheduled an ultrasound for the Monday after I got back.  And, once again the ultrasound has confirmed that there's a baby in there.  The doctor kept telling me how good everything looks and how I'm right on track.  I felt bad but all I could say was "yep, been there before."  It is nice to know it's not a chemical pregnancy and that there's actually something going on there but it has been difficult to get my hopes up in any way shape or form.  The doctor also told me again that my chances of carrying to term are greater this time but, as I've mentioned before, I'm not a fan of statistics and my pregnancies. 

I'm six weeks and four days today and my typical symptoms are back.  The girls are throbbing and I'm up once or twice a night going pee.  The last couple of days I've felt twinges of nausea but nothing serious or indicative of more to come...though we'll see.  I was fast asleep by 9:30 last night but then I was wide awake at 3:00am after I peed and realized I'd forgotten to take my progesterone so I read Tess of the D'Ubervilles for about an hour before I could fall asleep again.

Speaking of progesterone...they gave me a suppository, which is what it is...but OMG does it ITCH as it breaks down.  I can't even begin to describe the horrificness of the itching that takes place for about an hour after I stick that puppy where the sun don't shine.  I've read the forums and it seems a common reaction that should (and has somewhat already) calm down.  I can only hope because YOWSAS.

So that's it.  Baby update complete.  I think I've determined that I won't announce to anyone or get excited until week 20.  I wasn't showing at all last time so I'm betting I'll be able to hide it until then.  We shall see.

Also, to any of my readers who are trying and can't get pregnant I hope that none of this is painful for you to read.  I know how I felt when my sister and others around me announced their pregnancies.  So many emotions, most of them centering around how unfair this all is.  And the anger! I once read a blog post of someone who had never struggled to have children asking for an explanation of the angry outbursts she'd heard about.  She couldn't understand what on earth would cause a rational human being to want to punch someone in the face for getting pregnant or complaining about legitimate discomfort.  I couldn't find the words to explain to her that it was like a foreign alien of rage taking over my body.  The anger and hurt are so real and so on the surface and they are there ALL THE TIME.  My whole life was about losing these babies.  I tried (and still try) to joke about it, which makes people uncomfortable. Sometimes my own jokes hurt my feelings and I'd start to cry.  Sometimes I'd cry for no reason.  I'd avoid the baby aisles at Target and Walmart because a freaking stroller sighting would cause me to break down.  Some pregnant lady would caress her belly and I'd completely LOSE MY CRAP.  I will never be able to explain those feelings to someone who hasn't felt them.  I know you ladies have felt something at least close to that.

I want you all to know that I will always do my best to be sensitive to those of you who are struggling.  This process hasn't been easy for me in any way and admitting that I cannot get excited about the possibilities for this pregnancy is infuriating to ME so I'm sure it is for others.  I want you all to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and if there were anything I could do to help lift your burdens, I would.  I know so well the emotions attached to trying to get our babies here.  I think I've been able to gain more empathy and understanding for what others are going through and I hope that comes across.  I will not be insulted in any way if you have to stop reading or stay away.  I had to do the same thing around many people for a long time so I understand completely.  I get it that there are people who simply won't be able to be happy for me if this works out and I want anyone who feels that way to know that it's ok and I get it.

And now, I'm going to go take a nap.  Yay for the first trimester tiredness, take 4.

So Far, So Good. But I've Heard That Before

So I had my first round of blood testing and so far, so good.  HCG levels are at 64 - they want them to be at least 50 so we're good to go there.  I have another blood test tomorrow to make sure they're doubling.

I used the first progesterone suppository last night.  That was...cold.  And then goopy.  And a bit itchy?  So far no unpleasant side effects but the list of possibilities is long and I'm sure I'll have my share of them while I'm taking the progesterone.  I made the mistake of googling the side effects last night...I realize I'm very lucky I'm not using the shots and I feel very badly for women who have to do IVF.  Some of them do the shots or suppositories three times a day.  It's so worth it to get a baby at the end but yowsa. 

We head to Utah day after tomorrow for another week with our families.  I've realized we have a complication...I have to keep the projesterone cold. Which means in the fridge.  This would be fine except for the part where we've decided not to tell our families until at least Christmas.  So now I have to figure out how to hide the stupid capsules in the fridge without anyone catching on.  Tricky.

The boobies started hurting today.  Matt claims it's only because I know I'm pregnant and I'm making it up.  I wish I could make his boobs hurt like this and then tell HIM he's making it up.  Men.

I'll find out tomorrow about my levels and then we'll have two ultrasounds with the specialist and probably one or two with my OB for good measure.  Yay for invasive ultrasounds!  Again!

STAY PUT, BABY.  STAY PUT.

Progesterone and Blood Tests and Babies...Oh my!

Last week I took a dollar store pregnancy test on the day before I should have started my period "just to see."  It was negative.  My heart sank and I started preparing myself for the inevitable true disappointment when the actual period started any minute.  My cycle has been a bit sporadic so I wasn't surprised when it didn't start Friday or Saturday.

Sunday I had a meltdown of epic proportions.  After a day in church where we focused a lot on the cute kids we had a relief society lesson on service and somehow ended up spending what felt like an eternity discussing how our children do service for us.  I have felt left out of the discussions before but somehow this Sunday and this discussion followed by an entire sacrament meeting of beautiful children singing and bearing their testimonies, I couldn't take it anymore.  All of the emotions bubbled to the surface again.  I was angry at my body.  Angry at anyone who has a baby.  At anyone who is having a baby.  At these women in church for not understanding that every word they said that day was KILLING me inside.  Angy at my doctors for not having a solution.  Angry at God for not allowing just ONE of my pregnancies to work out.  I got home and I cried and cried and cried for like an hour and a half.  I had make-up streaming down my face, on my skirt on my hands, on Matt's shoulder.  I felt like there weren't enough tears in the world for the sorrow that was rending my heart in two.  

After I stopped sobbing and was able to get on with life, Matt and I chalked it up to PMS and went on with our Sunday and actually had a wonderful, relaxing day.  I took a nap and made a delicious dinner and we went on a walk.

Then Monday came around...still no period.  I worked all day, fighting off being very tired, then I worked out for an hour before dinner.  On our way home from In-N-Out (dinner of champions, no?) we stopped at Walgreens to get milk and I told Matt we'd better buy a pregnancy test...just to confirm that I wasn't pregnant.  This was the first time he's had to buy them with me and of course his reaction was "HOLY CRAP THOSE ARE EXPENSIVE!" then he walked away and left me to the decision myself.  We went with the cheapy Walgreens brand since I knew it wasn't going to be positive anyway.  The three pack was on sale for just a dollar more than the two pack so I figured I'd have a couple for the next few months.

I had to pee right when we got home so I took the box with me.  Matt goes "um you're doing that right now?  In the little bathroom?"  I just started laughing because it's like the specific bathroom in which I pee on the stick is going to make any sort of difference.  So I did my thing and it looked negative...until all of a sudden it didn't.  The plus was oh so super faint and I kept having to squint my eyes to make sure I wasn't fooling myself.  I'd read online forums about women holding the tests up to the light just to prove that the faintest of lines were there...apparently if there's ANY line at all, it's a positive.  So I did that.  It still looked like it was there.  Then I showed Matt.  He said he thought he saw it.  Then we just sort of...stood. there.

That's the big shame of this situation.  There's no excitement anymore.  A positive pregnancy test means that we've done that part again and now we have to wait and see what happens next and mentally prepare ourselves for the worst.  So we stared at it and I put it in a drawer and took another one when I had to pee again.  This time there wasn't a line at all.  What the what?  I decided to hold off on the third one until the morning when I'd heard the hormone levels are greatest.  I went to bed and said a little prayer of thanks and then begged God to please let me keep this one.

This morning I took the third test and, there was the line again, this time a little darker thanks to the concentrated levels or whatever magical thing happens in the morning pee.  So it's confirmed by two our of three cheap crappy pregnancy tests...we're pregnant with number four.

I called the fertility specialist right away to get my progesterone and find out what else they want me to do.  True to form, they've got me going in for a blood test today, another in 48 hours and then they'll see me for two ultrasounds to confirm the presence of a baby and a heartbeat and then I'll go see my regular OB.  I've got a prescription for progesterone capsules to be um...inserted...um...up there every night before bed.  I'm taking a special prenatal pill with extra folic acid as well as a baby aspirin every day to ward off any blood clots.  I'm grateful that I have a list of things I have to do.  It makes me feel somehow more proactive in trying to keep this baby here with us.

I can't get my hopes up.  It's so so CRAPPY but I just can't.  It's sort of become like getting an interview.  There's a good chance you'll get the job but an equally good chance you won't.  You just have to show up wearing your best outfit and talk yourself up.  In this case I'm going to take my little cocktail of meds, keep myself as stress free as possible and pray my stinking guts out.

Here we freaking go again.

A Year and a Half Later

Sometimes I forget I'm supposed to update here too.  Whoops.

In case you only read here and not the other disaster of a blog I "write," here's the scoop.  We don't have anything they can point to as the cause for losing our babies.  I have a minor chromosomal disorder (the MTHFR gene) but it doesn't appear to be affecting me at all because I have the heterozygous (or some huge word I don't understand) anomoly not the homozygous.  Yeah, I heard blah blah blah as well.  Basically it COULD someday affect my ability to absorb B12 and cause blood clots but as far as they can tell all my levels are completely normal and wouldn't be affecting the babies.  The doctor has me taking a baby aspirin every day, just in case I have an undetected clotting disorder.  He also prescribed a special prenatal pill with extra Folic Acid to see if that helps.  Also, as soon as we get a positive pregnancy test he'll put me on progesterone shots, just in case there's something undetected going on there. 

People keep telling me I should be relieved that there's nothing wrong.  People might need to can it.  If there was something wrong I would have something to blame.  I would have something to fix.  Right now my plan is to just keep trying and cross my fingers that we don't lose another baby.  Fun, right?  But it is what it is so we've  been trying.  For five months.  And I'm not pregnant.  Logically I realize my body probably needs the break but SERIOUSLY?  After getting pregnant without thinking about it, and now that I at least have something to try to help out...nothing  I am SO FRUSTRATED.

In the midst of all of this I lost my job.  Well I didn't LOSE it but I not longer HAVE it. It's a long, involved story which I probably won't ever share but the bottom line is that I was too stressed out and I needed to not be there.  I took a month off to relax and then Matt and I evaluated the budget and decided that unless we wanted a drastic life change, I should be working.  So I found the best solution for me and I'm doing some consulting for a while.  It has the chance to turn into a full time job but we'll see how it goes and if that's what I want to do.

Of course during all of this the due date for the last baby came and went.  It was, as I expected, a hard day.  I think I'm still in shock.  I can't believe that it's been almost six months since the miscarriage and I'm still not pregnant.  I've passed all three of my due dates now.  I'm ten months past my first due date. I should have a ten month old.  I guess that I'm almost relieved that there aren't any other missed dates looming in front of me, though.  Those are the HARDEST days among a ton of really hard days in the year and a half that's passed since the first positive pregnancy test.

As usual, it seems everyone around me is pregnant.  Everywhere I go.  Everyone I talk to.  Everyone I associate with on Facebook.  Of course that's an exaggeration but SERIOUSLY.  I might need to find a way to be Mormon without having to associate with all these procreating Mormons.  I pray every day  to be happy for them, really I do.  Sometimes it really works and I'm SO HAPPY for people.  Other times  I'm so broken-hearted that stepping outside of my hurt feels like the hardest thing I've ever been asked to do.  I can't find the place where any of this feels OK or fair or even remotely right.  I think I'm getting closer to it, which is a good place to be.  At least I'm not stuck in the mud.  I'm trudging slowly through it to wherever it is that I can understand.

The Great Unknown

In the morning Matt and I have an appointment with our fertility specialist to learn the fate of our baby making plans.  I'm excited and scared and nervous and scared.  And scared.

I'm a results person.  You tell me what's wrong, I find a way to fix it or get around it.  I've mentioned this before - I usually get my way.  This whole last year has been very confusing for me in that respect.  I'm very afraid that tomorrow it will get even more confusing.  I mean, what if there's NOTHING TO FIX.  Then what do I do?

I've gotten to this weird point where I'm just not sure how to process all of it.  If the answer is that we will probably continue to miscarry but might have a baby or two for every four miscarriages, will I keep trying?  Is it worth doing this again and again?  If we can't have our own kids would I consider adopting?  I feel like the answer to that should be yes!  Of course!  But in my head that doesn't sit right.  Maybe if we can't have kids we can figure out what our path is without them.  Maybe we go forward and find ways to serve and help without the...I don't know what to call it...adventures? of parenthood.  But I feel so very strongly that a life without children isn't meant for us...so I have to figure kids are coming at some point here.

In the LDS faith we are given something called a Patriarchal Blessing which is a sort of promise/plan of how your life can play out if you live according to how we believe the Lord wants us to.  They are all very personal and very cool.  Mine came into play BIG TIME when it came to finding Matt.  There were some words of counsel in there about exactly what kind of man my future husband would be.  None of the guys I'd ever dated before had fit the description of the man who I would spend eternity with - until Matt.  So, I am grateful for my blessing and the way that it has helped me find the right direction so far in my life.  One of the things it talks about is how very blessed I will feel when the Lord allows me to bring children into this world.  Over the years as I've read that sentence it meant that I would be grateful when I had my kids.  Like every parent is grateful.  Duh.  Now, given all that's going on, I read that sentence in a different way.  When I hold my baby in my arms I don't think there will be words to describe how very blessed I will feel that it finally, FINALLY happened.  And yes, I realize that a year is hardly cause for a "finally, FINALLY."  See above where I mention that I usually get my way and add the words "right away."  Patience isn't exactly my strongest quality.

So, off I got to bed in preparation for an early morning with Dr. Patel.  I'm keeping all fingers and toes crossed that we get some sort of answer.  I'll let you know!

PSYCHE!

Remember that one time, when I had a really invasive ultrasound with dye and iodine and saline dripping from everywhere?  And the resulting picture of my uterus resembled a butterfly instead of a triangle?  And we figured that was the cause of my multiple miscarriages and figured there was surgery and/or in-vitro fertilization in my future?

JUST KIDDING.  That was all a funny joke.

Turns out I don’t have any sort of uterine anomaly whatsoever.  Rather than my uterus dipping down in the middle to form a heart, it in fact bows UPWARD slightly.

HAHAHAHAHAH.  Ahem.

This news is good for many reasons.  I don’t need a surgery.  I won’t ever get an answer of “your uterus won’t allow you to ever carry a child.”  We probably don’t need in-vitro.

However, a part of me is frustrated because it means that I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME. 

We have a big pow-wow consultation with our fertility specialist next Monday to go over all of the results.  That includes my elebenteen hundred blood tests telling everything from hormone levels – before, during and after menstruation, genetic mutations, to possible clotting/coagulation disorders.  We’ll also go over the analysis of Matt’s, um, boys, as well as the complete results of my MRI and all my ultrasounds.

Right now here’s what we know:

1.       I do not have a uterine anomaly including the wrong shape, pollups, fibroids or endometriosis

2.       I do not have any sort of clogging of the fallopian tubes

3.       I have plenty of maturing eggs in both ovaries (currently 12 on the right and 9 on the left!)

4.       We do not have any genetic anomalies or incompatible genetics

5.       I ovulate at the right time

6.       Boy oh boy are we able to get pregnant

The remaining possibilities for what could be wrong seem to be:

1.       I have some sort of blood clotting disorder – either it’s clots to easily or not easily enough.  This wouldn’t have affected me in my life, given that I’ve never been stabbed or bled profusely for any real reason, but with tiny baby veins and the vascular nature of everything that’s going on in forming a baby, the smallest clot  - or lack thereof, can be deadly.  The solution for this is usually some heparin and/or aspirin every day.

2.       Matt’s boys may have some sort of defect that is causing the babies to not form correctly.  This is not very likely given how far into the last pregnancy we got, but it’s still something we want to look into

3.       I might have a hormone imbalance.  Again, given the fact that I was in the second trimester last time, this is not likely.  Usually a hormone imbalance will cause the uterus to not recognize what’s going on and try to get rid of it.  It’s usually accompanied by cramping or contractions and bleeding but the baby is usually fine unless the uterus succeeds in “getting rid of it.”  This MAY have been the case with our second pregnancy given how quickly after the ultrasound with the heartbeat I started bleeding but the first and third were not like this…the baby died and the uterus didn’t do anything about it until my hormone levels dropped to the the point that the uterus knew something was wrong.

So um, we’re sort of down to clotting disorder.  If that’s what it is, I can start trying to get pregnant right away.  If that’s not what it is…I have no idea.  That’s the frustrating part.  It might be NOTHING.  We might just have the crap luck of losing three babies in a row – maybe even more. 

I’m crossing my fingers that I have a clotting disorder.  If that’s it going forward we should be just fine.  Granted, it will also be a lot frustrating if that’s it because taking a friggin’ aspirin every day would have saved us a lot of trauma.  As frustrating as that will be, I trust that all of this is happening for our family at the right time.  Whatever the answer is, it’s the right one.  I just keep having to remind myself of that.

One Year

I read in a psychology book at some point that sometimes people subconsciously have bad days on the anniversary of traumatic life events.  There's a name for it, I'm sure...and it's probably some form of PTSD, but I don't really remember the details other than the fact it exists.

Today I had a weird emotional day.  It wasn't a BAD day, it was just sort of...hard?  I don't know.  Songs got to me more than usual, I squirted a few random frustration tears over things that don't usually make me think twice.

I didn't realize what today was until I was at the gym today and ran into my spin teacher (don't get me started on how long it's been since I sent to spin) and she asked why I all of a sudden dropped off the face of the earth and as I started to explain about the miscarriages, I realized that today it's been exactly one year since we lost our first baby.

I can't really even comprehend that it's been a whole year and all the crazy things that have happened.  Some sad, some hard, some great.  I was really expecting 2011 to turn things around for me in the baby area but after my appointment with the specialist yesterday (gory details to come) it's becoming more clear that this is going to take a bit longer and best case scenario, we have a baby sometime late next spring.  That's if things go perfectly.  Which, judging by the experience so far, they won't.  And that's OK.  I think.

There's a lot of poking, proding and probably surgery in my future.  It seems like SO much effort to do something that happens to most people without much thought.  It's all so strange.  That's really the only way to describe it.  I never in a million years imagined that getting my babies here would involve so much work and heartbreak.  Isn't that supposed to happen once they arrive?  All the worry and fear?  Who knows.  Maybe all this effort to get them (or it, one might be all I can handle getting here at this point) here will take some of the heartache out of watching them grow and go through hard things.  Doubtful, but one can always hope, right?

June 5th

Today was the day our second baby was due.  Thanks to the happy pills and general business of my life right now I'm not as devastated as I thought I might be, but still.  Throughout this week I've been struggling a little bit because I know I'm supposed to be having a baby right now...and I'm not.

It's so very strange to me that exactly one year ago we were printing ultrasound pictures to send to our family announcing our first baby.  I'm really not even sure how to process that.  I was pregnant for the first time a year ago and I've been pregnant twice since.  That's a lot of pregnant with no baby.  Ugh.  So annoying.  And frustrating.  And whatever other words that mean those things, too.
I don't think I ever thought that I'd get to the second due date and not be pregnant.  I naively assumed everything was going to be fine and the first two miscarriages were just flukes.  I'm really mad at my body for having whatever it is that's wrong with it be wrong.  I've said it before but it's so weird how I spent my life just assuming that when I was ready, I'd get pregnant and have a baby.  Boom.  No issues, no trauma, just marriage, happiness, pregnancy, baby.  Never did I expect to have it go the way it has, but I suppose no one really does.

Luckily, my cycle is back on track so I should be able to see the doctor for the rounds of tests by the end of the month.  Matt and I had our blood drawn two weeks ago for the genetic testing that takes a little longer so we should have those answers around the same time we start with the other tests.

Not really much else to say and this blog is seriously the most depressing thing EVER.  It needs some anti-depressants.  I wonder if they make Celexa for blogs...I should check into that.

Infertility Inferschmility

SO, I had my first appointment with the fertility specialist.  I like him.  He's a tiny skinny Indian man named Dr. Patel.  Ironically all of my current doctors with the exception of my OB/GYN are now named Dr. Patel.  I'm guessing it's India's version of Smith?  Anyway...

Obviously true infertility isn't our particular problem.  We appear to be the polar opposite of infertile and I'd venture to say much MORE than fertile.  Boy oh boy can I get myself pregnant.  As I handed my ten thousand pages of paperwork to the nice lady at the front desk, I asked if they needed the four or five pages on Matt.  She batted her eyelashes, smiled and said in the cutest French accent

"Weeel, eef ou ant to get pregnant, yes we dooo."

"Well, ma'am that does not appear to be our particular problem.  I can get pregnant like it's my 9-5 job.  I just can't seem to convince those little suckers to stick around long enough to say hello."

Yeah, turns out they didn't need Matt's paperwork so much.

So, the first appointment was really just a consultation.  He went through my history in a lot of detail.  How many years did I use birth control?  Which kinds?  How long have I been off of it?  Cramps?  Regular periods?  Heavy?  Light?  On and on and on. 

Then we got to the babies.  Did we see a heartbeat every time?  How far along was each one?  How did I feel during the pregnancies?  What procedures did I have after the miscarriages? We discussed the ultrasound that revealed my possible bicornuate uterus, the D&E, all that stuff.

He then took a bunch of time explaining different kinds of miscarriages and how they sort of group them.  Before 7 weeks is usually considered a chemical pregnancy but mine was not because we saw a heartbeat - but these are the most common.  Before 12 weeks is usually caused by incorrect genetic make-up, but not all the time - and again, very common.  After 12 weeks becomes concerning and not nearly as common.

Next we walked through his thoughts on me.  He thinks my issue is the uterus shape.  In some cases it's fixable, in others, it's not.  It depends on whether the septum is part of the actual uterus make-up or if it's tissue inside.  It's interesting because my OB thought my uterus shape wasn't the problem and that I maybe had a clotting disorder.  Dr. Patel said he has never seen a clotting disorder AND a bicornuate uterus in the same patient.  I might be the rarity, but he doesn't think so.  Apparently uterus shape is the first thing they look to in cases of multiple miscarriage and we already know that's what I've got going on.  I used to think a heart shape was a good thing...not so much.

Finally, he presented the plan.  And I like the plan because it covers every possible scenario of what could be wrong.  I want to attack this thing like it's cancer.  Dr. Patel takes the aggressive approach which the intense side of me LOVES.

The first thing to do is genetic testing.  Matt and I are going to a lab tomorrow morning for what I assume will be either a q-tip DNA swab or a blood draw and they will do all the chromosomal, DNA, genetic testy thingies (technical term) they do.  This takes about three weeks.

Next, after two menstrual cycles we go through the next list.  So far I'm right on schedule so this should take place mid-June.  We start with inserting dye into my uterus and doing an intense ultrasound so we can get a really clear picture of the shape and possible issues.  During that same appointment he'll do a complete set of blood work to determine if I have a clotting disorder, some sort of baby attacking lupus or any hormonal imbalances which might play a part.  I'll also be tested for thyroid disorders which can cause early aging of my eggs.  Finally, he's putting Matt and I on a heavy 10 day dose of antibiotics to kill any possible infections we might have lingering that could harm a growing fetus.  We should have some sort of answer and possible next steps within about a week after all these tests are complete.

Are you lost yet?  Me too.  Basically it goes like this
Test
Test
Test
Test
Test some more
Look at results
Test

If, in the end they can't find anything wrong, they'll send me for a second opinion and I'll start all over.

I've told Matt to stay far away from me until we get some answers because if I get pregnant again before we get some answers, he'll have some 'splaining to do.  Because it is naturally all his fault.