Last week I took a dollar store pregnancy test on the day before I should have started my period "just to see." It was negative. My heart sank and I started preparing myself for the inevitable true disappointment when the actual period started any minute. My cycle has been a bit sporadic so I wasn't surprised when it didn't start Friday or Saturday.
Sunday I had a meltdown of epic proportions. After a day in church where we focused a lot on the cute kids we had a relief society lesson on service and somehow ended up spending what felt like an eternity discussing how our children do service for us. I have felt left out of the discussions before but somehow this Sunday and this discussion followed by an entire sacrament meeting of beautiful children singing and bearing their testimonies, I couldn't take it anymore. All of the emotions bubbled to the surface again. I was angry at my body. Angry at anyone who has a baby. At anyone who is having a baby. At these women in church for not understanding that every word they said that day was KILLING me inside. Angy at my doctors for not having a solution. Angry at God for not allowing just ONE of my pregnancies to work out. I got home and I cried and cried and cried for like an hour and a half. I had make-up streaming down my face, on my skirt on my hands, on Matt's shoulder. I felt like there weren't enough tears in the world for the sorrow that was rending my heart in two.
After I stopped sobbing and was able to get on with life, Matt and I chalked it up to PMS and went on with our Sunday and actually had a wonderful, relaxing day. I took a nap and made a delicious dinner and we went on a walk.
Then Monday came around...still no period. I worked all day, fighting off being very tired, then I worked out for an hour before dinner. On our way home from In-N-Out (dinner of champions, no?) we stopped at Walgreens to get milk and I told Matt we'd better buy a pregnancy test...just to confirm that I wasn't pregnant. This was the first time he's had to buy them with me and of course his reaction was "HOLY CRAP THOSE ARE EXPENSIVE!" then he walked away and left me to the decision myself. We went with the cheapy Walgreens brand since I knew it wasn't going to be positive anyway. The three pack was on sale for just a dollar more than the two pack so I figured I'd have a couple for the next few months.
I had to pee right when we got home so I took the box with me. Matt goes "um you're doing that right now? In the little bathroom?" I just started laughing because it's like the specific bathroom in which I pee on the stick is going to make any sort of difference. So I did my thing and it looked negative...until all of a sudden it didn't. The plus was oh so super faint and I kept having to squint my eyes to make sure I wasn't fooling myself. I'd read online forums about women holding the tests up to the light just to prove that the faintest of lines were there...apparently if there's ANY line at all, it's a positive. So I did that. It still looked like it was there. Then I showed Matt. He said he thought he saw it. Then we just sort of...stood. there.
That's the big shame of this situation. There's no excitement anymore. A positive pregnancy test means that we've done that part again and now we have to wait and see what happens next and mentally prepare ourselves for the worst. So we stared at it and I put it in a drawer and took another one when I had to pee again. This time there wasn't a line at all. What the what? I decided to hold off on the third one until the morning when I'd heard the hormone levels are greatest. I went to bed and said a little prayer of thanks and then begged God to please let me keep this one.
This morning I took the third test and, there was the line again, this time a little darker thanks to the concentrated levels or whatever magical thing happens in the morning pee. So it's confirmed by two our of three cheap crappy pregnancy tests...we're pregnant with number four.
I called the fertility specialist right away to get my progesterone and find out what else they want me to do. True to form, they've got me going in for a blood test today, another in 48 hours and then they'll see me for two ultrasounds to confirm the presence of a baby and a heartbeat and then I'll go see my regular OB. I've got a prescription for progesterone capsules to be um...inserted...um...up there every night before bed. I'm taking a special prenatal pill with extra folic acid as well as a baby aspirin every day to ward off any blood clots. I'm grateful that I have a list of things I have to do. It makes me feel somehow more proactive in trying to keep this baby here with us.
I can't get my hopes up. It's so so CRAPPY but I just can't. It's sort of become like getting an interview. There's a good chance you'll get the job but an equally good chance you won't. You just have to show up wearing your best outfit and talk yourself up. In this case I'm going to take my little cocktail of meds, keep myself as stress free as possible and pray my stinking guts out.
Here we freaking go again.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment