There's going to be a lot of pregnancy and biology talk that might make you uncomfortable in here. If you're squeamish, do yourself a favor and run away now.
Ahem.
So...as you know we saw a baby and a heartbeat on Wednesday. Less than 48 hours later I started bleeding pretty good and Friday night I'd passed a few clots. I called the DR and they said "nothing we can do just wait it out."
Guess who's not patient?
Went to the ER Saturday morning and the following is a summary of things that were wrong/confusing:
HCG up to 30,000 but was at 15,000 last Friday. Should have quadrupled but only doubled. However my last set of tests didn't rise like they were supposed to either...I went from 5,000 to 10,000 in two days. This is confusing.
My white blood cell count is equal to that of a chemo patient. Other issues with my blood include low platelets and other issues with low red blood cell count overall. This is confusing and not at all normal for a pregnant woman. Or any woman for that matter.
Had a pelvic exam which basically showed that my cervix is closed. This is a sign that things are fine and I'm not miscarrying. But still bleeding profusely.
Had an ultrasound (which for some reason required a catheter? OUCH!) and found the following (but "they didn't get a great look so they're not really positive"):
Heart shaped or biocornuate uterus which means I might have two "horns" at the top of my baby maker. But they're not sure. The baby is in the left side with "possible" enlarged yolk sac (which is apparently a sign of miscarriage but I have no idea why and they didn't bother to explain), no visible heartbeat and no doppler heart-beat sounds, "possible" large complex subchorionic hemotoma (blood clot between the placenta and gestational sac wall) and "possible" abnormally shaped gestational sac. None of these things are good. The baby was still there but there are lots of "possible" or what I called likely problems.
In the right side of my possibly mishapen uterus you'll find a 5.86x2.84 cm hemorrhagic blood clot type thing. No idea how that got there or why it's there.
To sum it up I MIGHT have a weird uterus with suspected fetal demise and huge hematoma bleeding out my whoo-ha and more blood randomly coming from the side where there isn't a baby. I also still have a massive ovarian cyst that could rupture painfully at any time.
After the four hours of tests diagnosed me with "threatened miscarriage" and said he was not optimistic thEN the educational paperwork they gave me? Says exactly the following:
"Bleeding within the first 20 weeks of pregnancy is called a threatened miscarriage. It may mean you have an increased chance of having a miscarriage. However, MOST women who have vaginal bleeding or spotting during early pregnancy go on to have healthy babies."
What the HELL!?!?!
So now they want more blood work, more ultrasounds, more fun! Oh and more money because I'm pretty sure this trip to the ER used up my health fund so now the $3000 deductible fun begins.
Oh and after almost a full day of no bleeding after the hospital, it's started up again in a bad, bad way. By Sunday I'd pretty much resigned myself to the knowledge that we've lost this baby too. Monday this was confirmed when the Dr. did another ultrasound and my entire uterus was filled with blood clots. My placenta had basically pulled away from the uterus wall due to a clot underneath it and drowned the baby in blood.
I think I'm doing better than last time because I wasn't optimistic from the beginning. I'm a little mad that the houdini baby made an appearance on Wednesday just to kick the bucket the next day (or possibly even THAT day.) I was more ready for this on Wednesday than I was this weekend. I'm frustrated with my body and I can officially say that all the fun of getting pregnant and being excited to have a baby has been ripped away from me and that is what I think makes me the most mad. This is supposed to be a wonderful, magical time where I buy baby clothes and pick out names and get excited about my changing body. Now I'm just pissed at everyone who has or has had a baby and I'm angry at my body and I'm a little confused with the whole plan here. How's that for having a positive attitude?
Oh, and just to add to the fun, my cervix still refuses to open so I basically have a giant blood clot for a uterus and the draining equipment isn't working. My belly is sticking out so far it looks like I'm four months pregnant. I don't want to do a D&C because I'd rather use the $3000 deductible it's going to cost me for that trip to Europe I promised myself, so I just have to sort of sit and wait for SOMETHING to happen. It's less than awesome.
I guess the upside is that now I get my trip to Europe. I'd rather have a baby in June but I guess that will work too.
I'm taking the team off the field for now. I can't do this again anytime soon. I might be forty by the time I decide to give this another go. Probably not, but it sounds good right now so don't rule it out.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Beating the Odds
As the doctor had me lay down for the ultrasound he said "Now, I'm expecting to see an empty sac which means you had a blighted ovum. Between the missing yolk sac last week and the low hormone rise, things aren't looking great for a pregnancy this time. If we happen to see anything, it will be a big surprise."
Well, SURPRISE!
I'm still processing things right now. We're only six weeks along (not seven like I thought which is why all the rigamaroll in the first place) and I've got six weeks to go before I feel great about this one.
The doctor sort of forgot the part where he gave me an official due date, but if my new calculations are correct, all things point to June 5th.
Hi, June.
Well Isn't That Peachy
So on Wednesday my HCG levels were at 10,000 which is good for 5-6 weeks along which is what we think/thought I am/was. But like I said, we didn't see a baby. So into the lab I skipped on Friday to have my levels tested to see what they were doing.
I guess HCG levels are supposed to double every 48-72 hours.
Mine went up 67% from 10,000 to 15,000.
The doctor said that he's not sure what this means. I could be fine. I could have reached my peak and I'm tapering off now. I could have an eptopic pregnancy (but that's not likely because we saw the sac in the uterus where it belongs). (Also, I'm using the word sac waaaaaaay to much. Yuck.)
You have GOT to be kidding me.
Wednesday I have another ultrasound and we'll measure the (gulp) sac and see what's going on. For now? No answer.
F.
I guess HCG levels are supposed to double every 48-72 hours.
Mine went up 67% from 10,000 to 15,000.
The doctor said that he's not sure what this means. I could be fine. I could have reached my peak and I'm tapering off now. I could have an eptopic pregnancy (but that's not likely because we saw the sac in the uterus where it belongs). (Also, I'm using the word sac waaaaaaay to much. Yuck.)
You have GOT to be kidding me.
Wednesday I have another ultrasound and we'll measure the (gulp) sac and see what's going on. For now? No answer.
F.
Tick Tock Tick Tock
Holy crapoly this is a wild and annoying and EMOTIONAL ride. I've spent a lot of the last five days or so crying then recovering then crying again. It sucks.
I'm waiting for the results of the blood test. They should be in this afternoon but just to make things interesting, I had some spotting this morning. That's how we started the miscarriage last time so I'm less than thrilled and even less optimistic that things are going to work out this time around. So far it hasn't gotten worse...if anything it's lightened up from what it was but I'm still not getting any hopes up. All things considered spotting isn't a good sign right now.
That being said, IF things are going to work out this time around and this is any indication of how this baby's personality? I'm terrified. I'm in for a crazy child, I can tell you that.
If it turns out I'm not pregnant anymore, Matt and I are putting in our backyard and going to Europe in the spring. I don't care how much it costs us. I need something to look forward to.
And so the waiting game continues.
I'm waiting for the results of the blood test. They should be in this afternoon but just to make things interesting, I had some spotting this morning. That's how we started the miscarriage last time so I'm less than thrilled and even less optimistic that things are going to work out this time around. So far it hasn't gotten worse...if anything it's lightened up from what it was but I'm still not getting any hopes up. All things considered spotting isn't a good sign right now.
That being said, IF things are going to work out this time around and this is any indication of how this baby's personality? I'm terrified. I'm in for a crazy child, I can tell you that.
If it turns out I'm not pregnant anymore, Matt and I are putting in our backyard and going to Europe in the spring. I don't care how much it costs us. I need something to look forward to.
And so the waiting game continues.
SERIOUSLY?!
According to "the math" I should be about six weeks pregnant at this point. I've taken two pregnancy tests a week apart to confirm. Both positive. No real morning sickness, absolutely no burning boobies like last time. Paranoia from miscarriage still present. Combine all that together and you have a girl who so badly WANTS to be pregnant but has a feeling she's really not. The non-sore boobs are my dead giveaway.
My OB appointment was this morning. I spent the night praying that everything would be OK but that if it wasn't, I wouldn't freak out. I made Matt say another prayer this morning to help me calm down because I was freaking out. It didn't really work but at least I tried.
We got to the doctor's office and of course they were late opening so we sat in the parking lot for twenty minutes. Blood work, check. Weight...YIKES! I've gained 13 (let me say that again THIRTEEN) pounds since the miscarriage. I almost offed myself right there. We went into the ultrasound room and...
The results were inconclusive. I have a uterine sac but no visible baby or yolk sac. This for sure means I WAS pregnant, but they're not sure I still am. The possibilities are several: A.) I'm not as far along as I think and nothing is visible yet. B.) I was pregnant but the baby didn't make it far enough to implant and my body hasn't caught on yet. C.) I don't know what the hell C is. There's just weird options.
Oh and I have a two to three inch ovarian cyst. AWESOME.
So I go in on Friday for more blood tests to see if my HCG levels are rising. If they are, we're probably good. If they're falling, miscarriage numero dos. If they're stable then something very odd is happening in the land of my uterus.
The cyst is supposedly not a threat and should pop or shrink or whatever on its own. Might be painful, might not be.
So we wait until Friday. I've been on the Google trying to see what people are saying about similar ultrasound results and the general consensus is that I'm probably not as far along as I think I am and things should be fine.
I currently am at war with my uterus but it's winning and I'm super pissed about it. I'm not sure if I can do the miscarriage thing again so I'm just really, really, really hoping that damn baby was hiding in there somewhere. However, I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst.
This blows. Apparently I can't just get pregnant and BE pregnant. I have to go through the circus of mystery (now with a side of cyst!).
My OB appointment was this morning. I spent the night praying that everything would be OK but that if it wasn't, I wouldn't freak out. I made Matt say another prayer this morning to help me calm down because I was freaking out. It didn't really work but at least I tried.
We got to the doctor's office and of course they were late opening so we sat in the parking lot for twenty minutes. Blood work, check. Weight...YIKES! I've gained 13 (let me say that again THIRTEEN) pounds since the miscarriage. I almost offed myself right there. We went into the ultrasound room and...
The results were inconclusive. I have a uterine sac but no visible baby or yolk sac. This for sure means I WAS pregnant, but they're not sure I still am. The possibilities are several: A.) I'm not as far along as I think and nothing is visible yet. B.) I was pregnant but the baby didn't make it far enough to implant and my body hasn't caught on yet. C.) I don't know what the hell C is. There's just weird options.
Oh and I have a two to three inch ovarian cyst. AWESOME.
So I go in on Friday for more blood tests to see if my HCG levels are rising. If they are, we're probably good. If they're falling, miscarriage numero dos. If they're stable then something very odd is happening in the land of my uterus.
The cyst is supposedly not a threat and should pop or shrink or whatever on its own. Might be painful, might not be.
So we wait until Friday. I've been on the Google trying to see what people are saying about similar ultrasound results and the general consensus is that I'm probably not as far along as I think I am and things should be fine.
I currently am at war with my uterus but it's winning and I'm super pissed about it. I'm not sure if I can do the miscarriage thing again so I'm just really, really, really hoping that damn baby was hiding in there somewhere. However, I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst.
This blows. Apparently I can't just get pregnant and BE pregnant. I have to go through the circus of mystery (now with a side of cyst!).
Round Two
I wouldn't exactly say I was trying super hard to get pregnant again...but I wouldn't say I wasn't. I had heard SO many stories of miscarriage, period comes back once BAM pregnant that I think I just KNEW it was going to happen again.
Also? My body really, really, really wanted a baby up in there. My brain was trying to tell my body to calm the hell down but it sort of wasn't listening. The last three months may or may not have been some of Matt's most favorite in our marriage. Just saying.
About two weeks ago my body started to swell. I'm not even joking. One day I was at the same weight I was when I miscarried and then all of a sudden I was five pounds heavier. Then eight pounds. EIGHT POUNDS. I've been working out still...eating like crap, sure, but working out quite a bit (not as much as I was for a while there. I think I needed a break from the two-a-days!). I think I sort of knew what was going on here. Last time that didn't happen but last time I was working out twice a day and last time wasn't exaclty "viable" so I'm not really sure how to compare the two so I just try not to. I was officially "late" as of last Wednesday but I wasn't sure my body had gotten itself back on any sort of pattern so I just let it go. Saturday we went to the lake and went Wakeboarding and Wakesurfing which resulted in a wicked sunburn and muscles I forgot I had screaming in pain. Sunday I absolutely HAD to go get Aloe because MY SKIN WAS GOING TO DIE and while I was there I just happened to pick up a pregnancy test. Or three. Matt was at church and I just decided to go for it. Just like last time, ten seconds later I had a positive. I didn't even take the other two tests.
This time? I was excited. But not jump for joy excited because well, it's hard to be that way after last time. But I said a little thank you prayer and there was much happiness in the land. Until Matt got home and was sort of a downer. I get it. He doesn't like to get excited about things anyway, then you have our situation and so he's cautiously optimistic?
I quit Diet Coke cold turkey again. I miss it already. I'm trying to eat healthier but macaroni and cheese (from a box) just sounded aweseme the other night. Healthy pregnancy diet FAIL. I tried to go to a workout class at 5:15 this morning and I was actually awake for it but my body is still so unbelievably sore from the lake and the sunburn is killing me so I opted out.
We head to the sand dunes with Matt's family for our annual trip this weekend and I'm hoping no weird symptoms pop up and give me away. I don't really want to tell anyone this time until we're sure it's all good. Which will be Thanksgiving Day. I'm pretty thankful so I think it's the perfect day to share.
Also? My body really, really, really wanted a baby up in there. My brain was trying to tell my body to calm the hell down but it sort of wasn't listening. The last three months may or may not have been some of Matt's most favorite in our marriage. Just saying.
About two weeks ago my body started to swell. I'm not even joking. One day I was at the same weight I was when I miscarried and then all of a sudden I was five pounds heavier. Then eight pounds. EIGHT POUNDS. I've been working out still...eating like crap, sure, but working out quite a bit (not as much as I was for a while there. I think I needed a break from the two-a-days!). I think I sort of knew what was going on here. Last time that didn't happen but last time I was working out twice a day and last time wasn't exaclty "viable" so I'm not really sure how to compare the two so I just try not to. I was officially "late" as of last Wednesday but I wasn't sure my body had gotten itself back on any sort of pattern so I just let it go. Saturday we went to the lake and went Wakeboarding and Wakesurfing which resulted in a wicked sunburn and muscles I forgot I had screaming in pain. Sunday I absolutely HAD to go get Aloe because MY SKIN WAS GOING TO DIE and while I was there I just happened to pick up a pregnancy test. Or three. Matt was at church and I just decided to go for it. Just like last time, ten seconds later I had a positive. I didn't even take the other two tests.
This time? I was excited. But not jump for joy excited because well, it's hard to be that way after last time. But I said a little thank you prayer and there was much happiness in the land. Until Matt got home and was sort of a downer. I get it. He doesn't like to get excited about things anyway, then you have our situation and so he's cautiously optimistic?
I quit Diet Coke cold turkey again. I miss it already. I'm trying to eat healthier but macaroni and cheese (from a box) just sounded aweseme the other night. Healthy pregnancy diet FAIL. I tried to go to a workout class at 5:15 this morning and I was actually awake for it but my body is still so unbelievably sore from the lake and the sunburn is killing me so I opted out.
We head to the sand dunes with Matt's family for our annual trip this weekend and I'm hoping no weird symptoms pop up and give me away. I don't really want to tell anyone this time until we're sure it's all good. Which will be Thanksgiving Day. I'm pretty thankful so I think it's the perfect day to share.
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