I remember reading somewhere that our subconcious minds can sometimes have "anniversary reactions" to traumatic things in our past. People will sometimes have complete melt downs out of the blue and then realize it was ten years to the day since a loved one died or other such things. I think my brain does that.
This Saturday, January 28th, is the anniversary of our first due date. Honestly, it's not a date I think about much anymore, given all that's happened, but I do remember it if I think about it. I haven't thought about it much for the past month though.
As I've mentioned, my younger sister is pregnant and is due on March 13th. As many of you can imagine, the timing of her pregnancy has been difficult for me - and for her, quite honestly, so it's been a several month struggle for our whole family as we try to figure out how to be happy for one and sad for the other all at the same time. Anyway, some girls from church and I are throwing her a shower and it happens to be on the 28th. As I was sending out invites I kept trying to figure out why it felt like I was supposed to be doing something that day...but I couldn't think of anything. Then this morning, strangely enough as I was going to the bathroom, it all hit me.
Saturday should be my baby's first birthday.
Within moments I was crying as all of the emotions from all the miscarriages hit me like a ton of bricks. I was suddenly taken back to the first one and the pain of the cramping, the second one and the visit to the ER and the last one and having to walk in the doors of the abortion clinic. Even as time goes by and my thoughts are focused on other things, when I really think about what happened the pain is as real and as horrible as it was the day of each trauma.
I think somewhere inside of me I thought that if I were to get to the point in a pregnancy where I knew almost certainly that we'd carry to term, all these feelings would go away and now I realize they are something I will carry with me my entire life. I will always be missing three babies who I had for just a little while. Those due dates will probably always be hard. I guess in a way it's a good thing, to never forget the hard things we go through and learn and grow from them...but I just never really expected the pain to be so very...painful...as time went on.
Showing posts with label Saying Goodbye. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Saying Goodbye. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Sunday, June 5, 2011
June 5th
Today was the day our second baby was due. Thanks to the happy pills and general business of my life right now I'm not as devastated as I thought I might be, but still. Throughout this week I've been struggling a little bit because I know I'm supposed to be having a baby right now...and I'm not.
It's so very strange to me that exactly one year ago we were printing ultrasound pictures to send to our family announcing our first baby. I'm really not even sure how to process that. I was pregnant for the first time a year ago and I've been pregnant twice since. That's a lot of pregnant with no baby. Ugh. So annoying. And frustrating. And whatever other words that mean those things, too.
I don't think I ever thought that I'd get to the second due date and not be pregnant. I naively assumed everything was going to be fine and the first two miscarriages were just flukes. I'm really mad at my body for having whatever it is that's wrong with it be wrong. I've said it before but it's so weird how I spent my life just assuming that when I was ready, I'd get pregnant and have a baby. Boom. No issues, no trauma, just marriage, happiness, pregnancy, baby. Never did I expect to have it go the way it has, but I suppose no one really does.
Luckily, my cycle is back on track so I should be able to see the doctor for the rounds of tests by the end of the month. Matt and I had our blood drawn two weeks ago for the genetic testing that takes a little longer so we should have those answers around the same time we start with the other tests.
Not really much else to say and this blog is seriously the most depressing thing EVER. It needs some anti-depressants. I wonder if they make Celexa for blogs...I should check into that.
It's so very strange to me that exactly one year ago we were printing ultrasound pictures to send to our family announcing our first baby. I'm really not even sure how to process that. I was pregnant for the first time a year ago and I've been pregnant twice since. That's a lot of pregnant with no baby. Ugh. So annoying. And frustrating. And whatever other words that mean those things, too.
I don't think I ever thought that I'd get to the second due date and not be pregnant. I naively assumed everything was going to be fine and the first two miscarriages were just flukes. I'm really mad at my body for having whatever it is that's wrong with it be wrong. I've said it before but it's so weird how I spent my life just assuming that when I was ready, I'd get pregnant and have a baby. Boom. No issues, no trauma, just marriage, happiness, pregnancy, baby. Never did I expect to have it go the way it has, but I suppose no one really does.
Luckily, my cycle is back on track so I should be able to see the doctor for the rounds of tests by the end of the month. Matt and I had our blood drawn two weeks ago for the genetic testing that takes a little longer so we should have those answers around the same time we start with the other tests.
Not really much else to say and this blog is seriously the most depressing thing EVER. It needs some anti-depressants. I wonder if they make Celexa for blogs...I should check into that.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
The Ugly Details
Well, fail three. I had been writing about this baby again like the other ones but I don't think I can bear to publish those stories right now. I wrote a lot about how I'm feeling on the main blog so I'm going to let that be what it is and I'm going to talk through logistics over here. I don't know that anyone really reads this or if it even matters but now that I've been through three completely different kinds of miscarriage processes I think I need to explain what I went through this time. I'm going no holds barred here so if you don't want gory details, my advice is to click away now.
My options this time were different because the baby was 13 weeks old when it stopped growing. That's too big for a D&C and not super safe for an at home miscarriage. The doctor said that he could either admit me to the hospital and induce labor and I'd essentially have to deliver the baby or he could recommend me to a clinic that does a procedure called a D&E which is similar to a D&C but requires more dilation of the cervix and the extraction of the fetus is done with a vacuum. It's what we've all heard described when we hear about second trimester abortions. The fetus is softened and broken up into pieces to allow it to come out and be disposed of. And in Arizona, the only places we could find that did this procedure were abortion clinics...kindly called family planning clinics. There was one doctor's office that does it too but the red tape to get a referral over there would have taken weeks and they do very few procedures and my doctor felt that the chances of complications were much lower somewhere that performed the procedure often. It sounds like this is only an option for about ten weeks, between weeks 12 and 22 and it's pretty rare to have fetal demise during this period of time in a pregnancy which is why most OB/GYN's don't do a lot of them, if any at all. D&Cs are much more common due to the frequency of a first trimester miscarriage. So, I hated my options but they were what they were.
After hours of crying and mental trauma, we decided to go with the D&E. It was a difficult decision for me because on one hand, the thought of having to deliver my dead baby made me want to throw up. On the other hand, I am Pro Life and having to step foot in an abortion clinic and then handing them $550 also made me want to throw up. As a small aside, I DO NOT like to talk politics or on my blog and I have no desire to have an argument with someone who may feel differently than I do about the topic of abortion. I needed to bring up my personal feelings because they relate to the experience I had but if you disagree with me, please understand that I get that there are many who do and I respectfully disagree. I have educated myself on the topic and at some point when I'm mentally doing better if someone wants to discuss why I feel the way I do, I may be willing to go down that path. Right now is not the time and if I get any emails, they will be ignored. Aside over. We ended up choosing to go with the D&E because of the mental ramifications of delivery in the hospital. I just didn't think I could handle that if there was another option. The D&E was going to be quick and the sedation they use has you awake during the procedure but you are not supposed to remember anything. I liked the idea of having less chance of side effects and I liked the idea of being done with this quickly.
Friday morning we had to stop at the doctor's office and get a Rhogam shot. My blood type is 0- so I have to get this shot every time I miscarry or eventually, when I give birth to prevent my blood from mixing with the babies which might be positive. After that we headed straight to the clinic.
There was a line outside of the office before they opened at 8 am. There was another couple that looked as though they were in our same boat. She was very obviously devastated and had NO desire to be there. With everyone else it was hard to tell for sure, but most looked like they were there for abortions. Heaven help me, I tried not to judge. I tried so hard not to hate these women who were willingly giving up what I wanted so badly but had been denied three times. Sitting in the lobby of the office was hard but I was treated with nothing but kindness and respect by the staff. They had my chart from my doctor and they knew of my situation. I was consoled and lovingly touched and told multiple times how sorry they were for my loss and for my previous losses. I have no complaints about the way that I was treated in the office despite my personal disagreement with their practice.
I was given an ultrasound to determine the size of the fetus as well as the size and placement of the placenta. Sometimes the D&E is a two step procedure where they place dilators in the cervix and then send you home to allow it to open overnight then perform the extraction the next day. In my case, luckily the baby and placenta were small enough that they were able to do the procedure that day. Arizona law does require a 24 hour waiting period for an abortion after consulting with the clinic, but since fetal demise was confirmed, I was outside of these requirements and the waiting period was waived.
After a small wait I was taken back into the procedure room. Matt wasn't allowed to come with me which I'm sure is related to the goriness of the procedure. My one complaint about the clinic is that I was left alone in the room for about five minutes. Granted, it was so I could get undressed from the waist down but being alone in the room with the baby vacuum (NO idea what the technical name is, sorry) sitting right next to me, in a place where women willingly give up their babies every day was almost more than I could bear. Luckily the nurse came in quickly to sedate me so I wasn't alone for long. I was given an IV and then the doctor came in and administered the Twilight Sedation which causes you to be awake and able to follow simple commands during the procedure but causes you to forget everything. The last thing I remember is scooting down the table and putting my legs in VERY cold stirrups. Well, there's about thirty seconds in the middle that I remember some slight discomfort and a loud noise but then the next thing I knew I was walking out the door in a lovely pair of mesh undies.
I was taken to a recovery room that had several lawn chair type beds and two couches. I think I remember four other women in there and I remember the nurses saying that two of us were fetal demise which means the other two weren't. I remember the nurse steering me toward a lawn chair and somehow I convinced my brain the couch was better so I plopped myself down there. Then I started cramping horribly and then I remember that I was FREEZING. I swear I've never been colder in my whole life. The cramping made me feel like I had to go to the bathroom RIGHT THAT SECOND but they wouldn't let me. Then I told them I was in a ton of pain from the cramping so they gave me an 800 mg Ibuprofin and finally someone thought to give me an extra blanket. I remember moaning and my teeth chattering. The poor girl next to me probably thought I was dying or something. I'm told that the freezing is a common reaction to sedation so that's probably why I was so friggin' cold.
By the time I came to and little bit and stopped shivering, everyone else in the room was gone. They led me to the bathroom to check on my bleeding and told me I needed about fifteen more minutes. I was given some water and then the doctor came to check on me and say good-bye. He explained that the cramping I'd experienced was from a drug they'd given me to help expel the contents of my uterus. I flashed back to miscarriage #1 and the cytotec and realized the cramping and inability to move from the pain had been familiar. I told him about this and he said that he had in fact given me four cytotec tablets rectally (UM, something I wish they'd told me they were going to do beforehand!) which explained the need to go to the bathroom, and then they put a diaper on me (wish I was joking. They were fresh out of mesh underwear) and sent me out into the hall where Matt was waiting.
Within about thirty seconds I was sobbing uncontrollably. I had held it together very well until that second but the weight of where I'd just been and what had just happened was more than I could bear. I will, unfortunately, have flashes of the ultrasound of my dead baby, the machine that would suck it out of me and the reality of what happens in that office every day that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I cried all the way home and since then I've been ok for the most part. I opened a drawer where the copy of the ten week ultrasound pictures were and had a total melt down. The moments when I'm alone in the shower or right before I fall asleep I always shed some tears. I think when the hormones start crashing soon I'll have some harder times. I'm planning on asking for a mild anti-depressant due to the postpartum I know I suffered last time. I want to prevent it if at all possible.
The physical recovery has been a breeze. They gave me vicoden but I haven't even needed half a pill or even an ibuprofin. I have been tired but not excessively so. There's been some minor cramping and I've been bleeding but it's nothing huge and more like a monthly cycle.
Despite some of the mental trauma involved this time, I can say that I wish I would have gone with a D&C the last two times. The hours of cramping and excessive bleeding from the other two were much harder than this. The second one took two weeks and that was especially hard. This took a few hours and some rest. Definitely a better choice, at least for me.
So there you go. All the yucky details for any of you who wanted them. Hopefully this will be of some help to someone and maybe purging some of this from my brain will help me a little, too.
I am now going to use this blog to chronicle the process of the infertility testing, just in case that helps anyone. Hopefully it's a somewhat simple fix and not anything permanently wrong. I guess we'll see.
My options this time were different because the baby was 13 weeks old when it stopped growing. That's too big for a D&C and not super safe for an at home miscarriage. The doctor said that he could either admit me to the hospital and induce labor and I'd essentially have to deliver the baby or he could recommend me to a clinic that does a procedure called a D&E which is similar to a D&C but requires more dilation of the cervix and the extraction of the fetus is done with a vacuum. It's what we've all heard described when we hear about second trimester abortions. The fetus is softened and broken up into pieces to allow it to come out and be disposed of. And in Arizona, the only places we could find that did this procedure were abortion clinics...kindly called family planning clinics. There was one doctor's office that does it too but the red tape to get a referral over there would have taken weeks and they do very few procedures and my doctor felt that the chances of complications were much lower somewhere that performed the procedure often. It sounds like this is only an option for about ten weeks, between weeks 12 and 22 and it's pretty rare to have fetal demise during this period of time in a pregnancy which is why most OB/GYN's don't do a lot of them, if any at all. D&Cs are much more common due to the frequency of a first trimester miscarriage. So, I hated my options but they were what they were.
After hours of crying and mental trauma, we decided to go with the D&E. It was a difficult decision for me because on one hand, the thought of having to deliver my dead baby made me want to throw up. On the other hand, I am Pro Life and having to step foot in an abortion clinic and then handing them $550 also made me want to throw up. As a small aside, I DO NOT like to talk politics or on my blog and I have no desire to have an argument with someone who may feel differently than I do about the topic of abortion. I needed to bring up my personal feelings because they relate to the experience I had but if you disagree with me, please understand that I get that there are many who do and I respectfully disagree. I have educated myself on the topic and at some point when I'm mentally doing better if someone wants to discuss why I feel the way I do, I may be willing to go down that path. Right now is not the time and if I get any emails, they will be ignored. Aside over. We ended up choosing to go with the D&E because of the mental ramifications of delivery in the hospital. I just didn't think I could handle that if there was another option. The D&E was going to be quick and the sedation they use has you awake during the procedure but you are not supposed to remember anything. I liked the idea of having less chance of side effects and I liked the idea of being done with this quickly.
Friday morning we had to stop at the doctor's office and get a Rhogam shot. My blood type is 0- so I have to get this shot every time I miscarry or eventually, when I give birth to prevent my blood from mixing with the babies which might be positive. After that we headed straight to the clinic.
There was a line outside of the office before they opened at 8 am. There was another couple that looked as though they were in our same boat. She was very obviously devastated and had NO desire to be there. With everyone else it was hard to tell for sure, but most looked like they were there for abortions. Heaven help me, I tried not to judge. I tried so hard not to hate these women who were willingly giving up what I wanted so badly but had been denied three times. Sitting in the lobby of the office was hard but I was treated with nothing but kindness and respect by the staff. They had my chart from my doctor and they knew of my situation. I was consoled and lovingly touched and told multiple times how sorry they were for my loss and for my previous losses. I have no complaints about the way that I was treated in the office despite my personal disagreement with their practice.
I was given an ultrasound to determine the size of the fetus as well as the size and placement of the placenta. Sometimes the D&E is a two step procedure where they place dilators in the cervix and then send you home to allow it to open overnight then perform the extraction the next day. In my case, luckily the baby and placenta were small enough that they were able to do the procedure that day. Arizona law does require a 24 hour waiting period for an abortion after consulting with the clinic, but since fetal demise was confirmed, I was outside of these requirements and the waiting period was waived.
After a small wait I was taken back into the procedure room. Matt wasn't allowed to come with me which I'm sure is related to the goriness of the procedure. My one complaint about the clinic is that I was left alone in the room for about five minutes. Granted, it was so I could get undressed from the waist down but being alone in the room with the baby vacuum (NO idea what the technical name is, sorry) sitting right next to me, in a place where women willingly give up their babies every day was almost more than I could bear. Luckily the nurse came in quickly to sedate me so I wasn't alone for long. I was given an IV and then the doctor came in and administered the Twilight Sedation which causes you to be awake and able to follow simple commands during the procedure but causes you to forget everything. The last thing I remember is scooting down the table and putting my legs in VERY cold stirrups. Well, there's about thirty seconds in the middle that I remember some slight discomfort and a loud noise but then the next thing I knew I was walking out the door in a lovely pair of mesh undies.
I was taken to a recovery room that had several lawn chair type beds and two couches. I think I remember four other women in there and I remember the nurses saying that two of us were fetal demise which means the other two weren't. I remember the nurse steering me toward a lawn chair and somehow I convinced my brain the couch was better so I plopped myself down there. Then I started cramping horribly and then I remember that I was FREEZING. I swear I've never been colder in my whole life. The cramping made me feel like I had to go to the bathroom RIGHT THAT SECOND but they wouldn't let me. Then I told them I was in a ton of pain from the cramping so they gave me an 800 mg Ibuprofin and finally someone thought to give me an extra blanket. I remember moaning and my teeth chattering. The poor girl next to me probably thought I was dying or something. I'm told that the freezing is a common reaction to sedation so that's probably why I was so friggin' cold.
By the time I came to and little bit and stopped shivering, everyone else in the room was gone. They led me to the bathroom to check on my bleeding and told me I needed about fifteen more minutes. I was given some water and then the doctor came to check on me and say good-bye. He explained that the cramping I'd experienced was from a drug they'd given me to help expel the contents of my uterus. I flashed back to miscarriage #1 and the cytotec and realized the cramping and inability to move from the pain had been familiar. I told him about this and he said that he had in fact given me four cytotec tablets rectally (UM, something I wish they'd told me they were going to do beforehand!) which explained the need to go to the bathroom, and then they put a diaper on me (wish I was joking. They were fresh out of mesh underwear) and sent me out into the hall where Matt was waiting.
Within about thirty seconds I was sobbing uncontrollably. I had held it together very well until that second but the weight of where I'd just been and what had just happened was more than I could bear. I will, unfortunately, have flashes of the ultrasound of my dead baby, the machine that would suck it out of me and the reality of what happens in that office every day that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I cried all the way home and since then I've been ok for the most part. I opened a drawer where the copy of the ten week ultrasound pictures were and had a total melt down. The moments when I'm alone in the shower or right before I fall asleep I always shed some tears. I think when the hormones start crashing soon I'll have some harder times. I'm planning on asking for a mild anti-depressant due to the postpartum I know I suffered last time. I want to prevent it if at all possible.
The physical recovery has been a breeze. They gave me vicoden but I haven't even needed half a pill or even an ibuprofin. I have been tired but not excessively so. There's been some minor cramping and I've been bleeding but it's nothing huge and more like a monthly cycle.
Despite some of the mental trauma involved this time, I can say that I wish I would have gone with a D&C the last two times. The hours of cramping and excessive bleeding from the other two were much harder than this. The second one took two weeks and that was especially hard. This took a few hours and some rest. Definitely a better choice, at least for me.
So there you go. All the yucky details for any of you who wanted them. Hopefully this will be of some help to someone and maybe purging some of this from my brain will help me a little, too.
I am now going to use this blog to chronicle the process of the infertility testing, just in case that helps anyone. Hopefully it's a somewhat simple fix and not anything permanently wrong. I guess we'll see.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Hard Things
Wow. This has been hard. I wrote last time that I thought the second miscarriage was going to be easier than the first. Boy oh boy was I wrong. This? Is kicking my butt.
I am so angry I'm not even sure what to do with myself. I'll think I'm totally fine and then someone will ask me how I'm doing and I'll be reduced to a teary mess. I hear about someone being pregnant and I cry as I congratulate them. I really am happy for them I just can't seem to get rid of the pit in my stomach and the pain in my heart which are both screaming about how absolutely unfair it is. It's the time of year when we get Christmas cards out the wazoo and everyone is smiling and happy with their babies and right now I can't even bring myself to try to find a picture of us for some free cards I got because I feel like there's something missing from our card. The moments of anger come on suddenly and unexpectedly and feel like a giant slap in the face.
I should be less than four weeks from full term. I should know my baby's gender and name. I should have a fully decorated nursery with a closet full of soft baby clothes and adorable tiny shoes. I should have a stroller and a car seat ready to go and I should have a baby foot stuck in my ribs at all times and a baby head making me have to pee every five seconds.
OR
I should be past the scary 12 week point. I should just be starting to show. My next appointment would show us the sex of our second baby. I should be feeling pregnant and maybe even glowing a little bit.
Instead I'm just empty.
I have so many people that love me and are worried about me. I'm very lucky that even though I feel empty, I have never felt alone. I struggle to find things to be grateful for during a time when I'm so overshadowed by hurt, emptiness and anger but I am so very grateful for that. There have been the few required idiots who say or do the worst possible thing for that moment. One in particular left a mark that may take a while to heal but I'm working on getting over it. Overall my support system could not have been any better but I need to find a way to heal myself fast because I don't really like the person I am right now.
Work is hard lately and I'm so easily agitated that I'm starting to hate my job. I'm supposed to be done in three weeks. Instead I'm looking toward at least nine more months of working when I just don't want to.
I realize some of this is post-partum depression. I was warned that sometimes it's really bad after a miscarriage because the hormone drop is SO significant and you have none of the happiness endorphines to make up any of the difference. And truly it's not as awful as I've heard the post-partum can be. I can laugh, I can play, I can work, sleep and get out of bed and all that normal stuff. I just feel...off. And I hate it. I'm so used to being so resiliant that things don't even bother me for five minutes before I've moved poast them and gone on to the next bigger, better thing. I'm just having trouble finding what that is lately.
I had asked God quietly one day for a baby for my 30th birthday. I was two days late for my period on the morning of my party and I thought maybe I got my wish. The next morning proved that I hadn't. I was so disappointed. It's like I ripped the scab off a little early. The edges are mostly healed but the center is still raw and bleeding. In a way it's good. The doctor told me to wait two cycles before trying again. I'm sure God is forcing that on me to let my body heal some more but the illogical part of me doesn't care about things like healing or health.
I feel like such a whiney, complaining baby lately. I'm hoping that writing helps me get some of this out. I'm hoping that soon I can feel better and understand the master plan in all of this. I know there is one, I just wish I understood it. I'm working on trusting God more and letting go of the things that I want. It's hard but I'm trying. I'm hoping I get a little credit for that and somewhere in all of this I can find some peace.
I am so angry I'm not even sure what to do with myself. I'll think I'm totally fine and then someone will ask me how I'm doing and I'll be reduced to a teary mess. I hear about someone being pregnant and I cry as I congratulate them. I really am happy for them I just can't seem to get rid of the pit in my stomach and the pain in my heart which are both screaming about how absolutely unfair it is. It's the time of year when we get Christmas cards out the wazoo and everyone is smiling and happy with their babies and right now I can't even bring myself to try to find a picture of us for some free cards I got because I feel like there's something missing from our card. The moments of anger come on suddenly and unexpectedly and feel like a giant slap in the face.
I should be less than four weeks from full term. I should know my baby's gender and name. I should have a fully decorated nursery with a closet full of soft baby clothes and adorable tiny shoes. I should have a stroller and a car seat ready to go and I should have a baby foot stuck in my ribs at all times and a baby head making me have to pee every five seconds.
OR
I should be past the scary 12 week point. I should just be starting to show. My next appointment would show us the sex of our second baby. I should be feeling pregnant and maybe even glowing a little bit.
Instead I'm just empty.
I have so many people that love me and are worried about me. I'm very lucky that even though I feel empty, I have never felt alone. I struggle to find things to be grateful for during a time when I'm so overshadowed by hurt, emptiness and anger but I am so very grateful for that. There have been the few required idiots who say or do the worst possible thing for that moment. One in particular left a mark that may take a while to heal but I'm working on getting over it. Overall my support system could not have been any better but I need to find a way to heal myself fast because I don't really like the person I am right now.
Work is hard lately and I'm so easily agitated that I'm starting to hate my job. I'm supposed to be done in three weeks. Instead I'm looking toward at least nine more months of working when I just don't want to.
I realize some of this is post-partum depression. I was warned that sometimes it's really bad after a miscarriage because the hormone drop is SO significant and you have none of the happiness endorphines to make up any of the difference. And truly it's not as awful as I've heard the post-partum can be. I can laugh, I can play, I can work, sleep and get out of bed and all that normal stuff. I just feel...off. And I hate it. I'm so used to being so resiliant that things don't even bother me for five minutes before I've moved poast them and gone on to the next bigger, better thing. I'm just having trouble finding what that is lately.
I had asked God quietly one day for a baby for my 30th birthday. I was two days late for my period on the morning of my party and I thought maybe I got my wish. The next morning proved that I hadn't. I was so disappointed. It's like I ripped the scab off a little early. The edges are mostly healed but the center is still raw and bleeding. In a way it's good. The doctor told me to wait two cycles before trying again. I'm sure God is forcing that on me to let my body heal some more but the illogical part of me doesn't care about things like healing or health.
I feel like such a whiney, complaining baby lately. I'm hoping that writing helps me get some of this out. I'm hoping that soon I can feel better and understand the master plan in all of this. I know there is one, I just wish I understood it. I'm working on trusting God more and letting go of the things that I want. It's hard but I'm trying. I'm hoping I get a little credit for that and somewhere in all of this I can find some peace.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Well That's Not a Funny Joke
There's going to be a lot of pregnancy and biology talk that might make you uncomfortable in here. If you're squeamish, do yourself a favor and run away now.
Ahem.
So...as you know we saw a baby and a heartbeat on Wednesday. Less than 48 hours later I started bleeding pretty good and Friday night I'd passed a few clots. I called the DR and they said "nothing we can do just wait it out."
Guess who's not patient?
Went to the ER Saturday morning and the following is a summary of things that were wrong/confusing:
HCG up to 30,000 but was at 15,000 last Friday. Should have quadrupled but only doubled. However my last set of tests didn't rise like they were supposed to either...I went from 5,000 to 10,000 in two days. This is confusing.
My white blood cell count is equal to that of a chemo patient. Other issues with my blood include low platelets and other issues with low red blood cell count overall. This is confusing and not at all normal for a pregnant woman. Or any woman for that matter.
Had a pelvic exam which basically showed that my cervix is closed. This is a sign that things are fine and I'm not miscarrying. But still bleeding profusely.
Had an ultrasound (which for some reason required a catheter? OUCH!) and found the following (but "they didn't get a great look so they're not really positive"):
Heart shaped or biocornuate uterus which means I might have two "horns" at the top of my baby maker. But they're not sure. The baby is in the left side with "possible" enlarged yolk sac (which is apparently a sign of miscarriage but I have no idea why and they didn't bother to explain), no visible heartbeat and no doppler heart-beat sounds, "possible" large complex subchorionic hemotoma (blood clot between the placenta and gestational sac wall) and "possible" abnormally shaped gestational sac. None of these things are good. The baby was still there but there are lots of "possible" or what I called likely problems.
In the right side of my possibly mishapen uterus you'll find a 5.86x2.84 cm hemorrhagic blood clot type thing. No idea how that got there or why it's there.
To sum it up I MIGHT have a weird uterus with suspected fetal demise and huge hematoma bleeding out my whoo-ha and more blood randomly coming from the side where there isn't a baby. I also still have a massive ovarian cyst that could rupture painfully at any time.
After the four hours of tests diagnosed me with "threatened miscarriage" and said he was not optimistic thEN the educational paperwork they gave me? Says exactly the following:
"Bleeding within the first 20 weeks of pregnancy is called a threatened miscarriage. It may mean you have an increased chance of having a miscarriage. However, MOST women who have vaginal bleeding or spotting during early pregnancy go on to have healthy babies."
What the HELL!?!?!
So now they want more blood work, more ultrasounds, more fun! Oh and more money because I'm pretty sure this trip to the ER used up my health fund so now the $3000 deductible fun begins.
Oh and after almost a full day of no bleeding after the hospital, it's started up again in a bad, bad way. By Sunday I'd pretty much resigned myself to the knowledge that we've lost this baby too. Monday this was confirmed when the Dr. did another ultrasound and my entire uterus was filled with blood clots. My placenta had basically pulled away from the uterus wall due to a clot underneath it and drowned the baby in blood.
I think I'm doing better than last time because I wasn't optimistic from the beginning. I'm a little mad that the houdini baby made an appearance on Wednesday just to kick the bucket the next day (or possibly even THAT day.) I was more ready for this on Wednesday than I was this weekend. I'm frustrated with my body and I can officially say that all the fun of getting pregnant and being excited to have a baby has been ripped away from me and that is what I think makes me the most mad. This is supposed to be a wonderful, magical time where I buy baby clothes and pick out names and get excited about my changing body. Now I'm just pissed at everyone who has or has had a baby and I'm angry at my body and I'm a little confused with the whole plan here. How's that for having a positive attitude?
Oh, and just to add to the fun, my cervix still refuses to open so I basically have a giant blood clot for a uterus and the draining equipment isn't working. My belly is sticking out so far it looks like I'm four months pregnant. I don't want to do a D&C because I'd rather use the $3000 deductible it's going to cost me for that trip to Europe I promised myself, so I just have to sort of sit and wait for SOMETHING to happen. It's less than awesome.
I guess the upside is that now I get my trip to Europe. I'd rather have a baby in June but I guess that will work too.
I'm taking the team off the field for now. I can't do this again anytime soon. I might be forty by the time I decide to give this another go. Probably not, but it sounds good right now so don't rule it out.
Ahem.
So...as you know we saw a baby and a heartbeat on Wednesday. Less than 48 hours later I started bleeding pretty good and Friday night I'd passed a few clots. I called the DR and they said "nothing we can do just wait it out."
Guess who's not patient?
Went to the ER Saturday morning and the following is a summary of things that were wrong/confusing:
HCG up to 30,000 but was at 15,000 last Friday. Should have quadrupled but only doubled. However my last set of tests didn't rise like they were supposed to either...I went from 5,000 to 10,000 in two days. This is confusing.
My white blood cell count is equal to that of a chemo patient. Other issues with my blood include low platelets and other issues with low red blood cell count overall. This is confusing and not at all normal for a pregnant woman. Or any woman for that matter.
Had a pelvic exam which basically showed that my cervix is closed. This is a sign that things are fine and I'm not miscarrying. But still bleeding profusely.
Had an ultrasound (which for some reason required a catheter? OUCH!) and found the following (but "they didn't get a great look so they're not really positive"):
Heart shaped or biocornuate uterus which means I might have two "horns" at the top of my baby maker. But they're not sure. The baby is in the left side with "possible" enlarged yolk sac (which is apparently a sign of miscarriage but I have no idea why and they didn't bother to explain), no visible heartbeat and no doppler heart-beat sounds, "possible" large complex subchorionic hemotoma (blood clot between the placenta and gestational sac wall) and "possible" abnormally shaped gestational sac. None of these things are good. The baby was still there but there are lots of "possible" or what I called likely problems.
In the right side of my possibly mishapen uterus you'll find a 5.86x2.84 cm hemorrhagic blood clot type thing. No idea how that got there or why it's there.
To sum it up I MIGHT have a weird uterus with suspected fetal demise and huge hematoma bleeding out my whoo-ha and more blood randomly coming from the side where there isn't a baby. I also still have a massive ovarian cyst that could rupture painfully at any time.
After the four hours of tests diagnosed me with "threatened miscarriage" and said he was not optimistic thEN the educational paperwork they gave me? Says exactly the following:
"Bleeding within the first 20 weeks of pregnancy is called a threatened miscarriage. It may mean you have an increased chance of having a miscarriage. However, MOST women who have vaginal bleeding or spotting during early pregnancy go on to have healthy babies."
What the HELL!?!?!
So now they want more blood work, more ultrasounds, more fun! Oh and more money because I'm pretty sure this trip to the ER used up my health fund so now the $3000 deductible fun begins.
Oh and after almost a full day of no bleeding after the hospital, it's started up again in a bad, bad way. By Sunday I'd pretty much resigned myself to the knowledge that we've lost this baby too. Monday this was confirmed when the Dr. did another ultrasound and my entire uterus was filled with blood clots. My placenta had basically pulled away from the uterus wall due to a clot underneath it and drowned the baby in blood.
I think I'm doing better than last time because I wasn't optimistic from the beginning. I'm a little mad that the houdini baby made an appearance on Wednesday just to kick the bucket the next day (or possibly even THAT day.) I was more ready for this on Wednesday than I was this weekend. I'm frustrated with my body and I can officially say that all the fun of getting pregnant and being excited to have a baby has been ripped away from me and that is what I think makes me the most mad. This is supposed to be a wonderful, magical time where I buy baby clothes and pick out names and get excited about my changing body. Now I'm just pissed at everyone who has or has had a baby and I'm angry at my body and I'm a little confused with the whole plan here. How's that for having a positive attitude?
Oh, and just to add to the fun, my cervix still refuses to open so I basically have a giant blood clot for a uterus and the draining equipment isn't working. My belly is sticking out so far it looks like I'm four months pregnant. I don't want to do a D&C because I'd rather use the $3000 deductible it's going to cost me for that trip to Europe I promised myself, so I just have to sort of sit and wait for SOMETHING to happen. It's less than awesome.
I guess the upside is that now I get my trip to Europe. I'd rather have a baby in June but I guess that will work too.
I'm taking the team off the field for now. I can't do this again anytime soon. I might be forty by the time I decide to give this another go. Probably not, but it sounds good right now so don't rule it out.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Moments
Most days I'm totally fine. I'm happy and healthy and doing all the things I want to do.
Then there's days where I'm just not fine. Not really days, actually. Moments.
Two weeks after the miscarriage was the hardest because everyone who was due at the end of January like me started announcing their pregnancies. It seemed like EVERYONE was pregnant all of a sudden and due the same week I was. It made me feel really empty. There were lots of bad moments during that week or two.
I've had a lot of bad moments these last few weeks because now I'd be twenty weeks and we'd know for sure what kind of little peanut we'd be having. And of course everyone who announced they were pregnant is finding out too. So I'm sort of assaulted by "It's a Girl!" or "It's got a weiner!" blog and Facebook posts.
Today someone whose blog I read who struggled with infertility for years, then adopted, THEN found out she was pregnant is now pregnant again and due on my due date. She found out today she's having a girl and I was so excited for her...and then I was mad and I started crying.
I cannot even imagine what this world of pregnant women is like for women who can't have babies at all. Right now I often feel like I'm being punched in the face by pregnancy and I know I can at least get pregnant. I don't think I could take an entire life of this so I really pray this miscarriage was a one time thing.
It took two months for my cycle to start up again. I was almost convinced I was pregnant again and the day I was going to go get a pregnancy test, the flood gates opened. (Sorry, had to be said.) Two months to the day. It was so bad I had to stay home from work for a day.
I'm a planner, we all know this. I've basically "planned" that we have about an eight week window to get pregnant before I put the x-nay on the aby-bay for a few months. I live in Phoenix, right? The thought of being hugely pregnant during the hellish summer months is enough to make me want to NEVER be pregnant. Then I start thinking about if I really want to start that up again right now. I'm not sure I'm emotionally to the point where I want to do that again. Plus, this time it's going to be a huge emotional roller coaster because I'll be freaking out every day wondering if I've lost the baby. I'm not looking forward to that part at all. If I can even get pregnant.
Who knows.
Most moments I'm great. Some moments I'm eh. This moment I'm mad. I just sort of want that feeling to go away forever, but I'm starting to realize it never will. January 28th will forever be the day my first baby was supposed to be born. That's going to be a day full of hard moments.
Until then I'm going to try to make great ones.
Then there's days where I'm just not fine. Not really days, actually. Moments.
Two weeks after the miscarriage was the hardest because everyone who was due at the end of January like me started announcing their pregnancies. It seemed like EVERYONE was pregnant all of a sudden and due the same week I was. It made me feel really empty. There were lots of bad moments during that week or two.
I've had a lot of bad moments these last few weeks because now I'd be twenty weeks and we'd know for sure what kind of little peanut we'd be having. And of course everyone who announced they were pregnant is finding out too. So I'm sort of assaulted by "It's a Girl!" or "It's got a weiner!" blog and Facebook posts.
Today someone whose blog I read who struggled with infertility for years, then adopted, THEN found out she was pregnant is now pregnant again and due on my due date. She found out today she's having a girl and I was so excited for her...and then I was mad and I started crying.
I cannot even imagine what this world of pregnant women is like for women who can't have babies at all. Right now I often feel like I'm being punched in the face by pregnancy and I know I can at least get pregnant. I don't think I could take an entire life of this so I really pray this miscarriage was a one time thing.
It took two months for my cycle to start up again. I was almost convinced I was pregnant again and the day I was going to go get a pregnancy test, the flood gates opened. (Sorry, had to be said.) Two months to the day. It was so bad I had to stay home from work for a day.
I'm a planner, we all know this. I've basically "planned" that we have about an eight week window to get pregnant before I put the x-nay on the aby-bay for a few months. I live in Phoenix, right? The thought of being hugely pregnant during the hellish summer months is enough to make me want to NEVER be pregnant. Then I start thinking about if I really want to start that up again right now. I'm not sure I'm emotionally to the point where I want to do that again. Plus, this time it's going to be a huge emotional roller coaster because I'll be freaking out every day wondering if I've lost the baby. I'm not looking forward to that part at all. If I can even get pregnant.
Who knows.
Most moments I'm great. Some moments I'm eh. This moment I'm mad. I just sort of want that feeling to go away forever, but I'm starting to realize it never will. January 28th will forever be the day my first baby was supposed to be born. That's going to be a day full of hard moments.
Until then I'm going to try to make great ones.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Saying Goodbye
We lost our baby on Wednesday. Well, actually several weeks before that, but my body didn't really get the memo until Wednesday. It started as brown spotting which everyone says is no problem, just fine. After lunch it was no longer "no problem, just fine" and we rushed to the doctors office. Our fears were confirmed as we saw the tiny baby disconnected from it's home on the side of my uterus and laying at the bottom with no heartbeat.
I think I knew this was coming. I kept telling people that I wasn't sick enough or tired enough to be nine weeks pregnant. They told me maybe I was just lucky. As much as I hoped that would be true, I think deep down I just knew this baby wasn't going to make it. So, finding out we'd lost it wasn't as hard as I think it might have been or might be for other women. I was sad and there was definitely crying and aching from a place I didn't know existed, but overall I felt very at peace with what had taken place. Earlier in this blog I mentioned our friend who lost her baby at seven months. I cannot imagine knowing this child's movements, their face, their name . . . having the nursery almost complete and clothes hanging in the closet. If it was going to happen, this was the time. I felt connected to this baby in a way I cannot put into words but it still was a little surreal to me and I think that made losing it just a little bit easier. I'd so much rather have gone through this than about ten thousand other scenarios that keep going through my head. Peace laced with sadness would be the way I would describe my emotions.
The doctor gave us two options, D&C or wait it out and let the body do what it is made to do. One would be over quickly but expensive. The other would be painful and unpredictable, taking up to two weeks to complete. We went home with the intent of waiting it out but that just didn't sit right with me. I started researching and found that sometimes Cytotec was used to help hurry along the natural miscarriage process. I asked for that option. The doctor stated that Cytotec would make an already painful outlook even more so and that I would absolutely need to take a Percocet with my Cytotec. He also told me that there was no guarantee the medication would work and that I might be in pain for nothing. However, I was already bleeding which usually means that my body was close to doing it's own thing anyway, so I just decided to give it a try.
After filling my prescriptions for the Cytotec and the necessary Percocet, I went home to wait it out. I was told this was going to be extremely painful and everything I read online confirmed that in stronger words. "Worst pain of my life" was used more than once. I have a high pain threshold so I figured I could handle it. My first six hours were basically like menstrual cramps and I thought maybe these people were pansies. Little did I know that I would literally be in the worst pain of my life the six hours after that. There were points, as I was literally sweating from the pain, that I wished I could just die for a few minutes to escape what was going on. Right at about hour ten and a half, when the pain was the worst, the miscarriage seems to have officially taken place. I don't know how painful a natural miscarriage would have been, so I guess I can't officially say that taking the Cytotec was worth it, but I can tell you that I have never been as relieved as the moment I knew the worst was over and there would be no more waiting. My sister was an angel sent from God. She massaged my back and legs and with her recently acquired nursing degree she helped me verify everything that was happening every step of the way. She slept with me and calmed me and even cleaned up after me when it was all I could do to crawl to my bed and cry.
While I needed my sister to be my nurse, I needed my husband to be there to mourn with me and hold me and help me mentally feel better. I'm so indescribably grateful for the amazing man that I married. There are those moments in life where you realize you had no idea how much your spouse loves you and this was one of them. I see my husband through different eyes and I love him more than I ever thought possible through this experience. He is my solid foundation and I think I would have died without him. He doesn't say much and I know he was hurting as well, but he put all that aside to be there for me and I cannot find the words to say thank you to him.
I was so grateful I chose the option that I did and that I was done so quickly. I think it really helped me start moving past the situation and allowed me to work with Matt to decide what was next. Over the next two days there would be more cramping, etc. (I'm just going to leave it at "etc" and spare you the gory details) but nothing like that six hours. I feel I can safely say I'm done and my body is starting to recover. I'm a bit anemic and tired but other than that I'm finally starting to feel like myself again.
In our religion, we believe that any children that are lost, be they embryo, fetus, baby, toddler, child, tween or teenager, will be ours to raise in eternity. Despite my not being as attached as I maybe could or should have been, this gives me comfort. That little beating heart that Matt and I created together is our child. It's ours to love and think of and miss and someday nurture and watch grow into someone amazing. I can't wait to someday meet him or her.
I hope that nothing I say here in any way discounts what other women have been through. This was my experience, my pain, my loss and my journey alone to share with my husband. I am grateful that I have a resilient personality and I'm not huddled in a pile on the floor, but I completely sympathize with someone who might have experience those emotions. I learned a lot this week about who I am and what I am capable of. I know I couldn't do it without the people that God has put in my life to buoy me up. I count myself as a strong person, but time and time again I am shown that none of us are strong enough to get through the pains of life alone and I'm so grateful for the wonderful souls who act as my life boat.
I come away from this with a better knowledge of what I want from life and how to accomplish it. I have a new focus and determination to do things in a better way. Some people are probably expecting a huge change from me, and I'm sorry to disappoint them but that's not the focus I found. There will be no 180 degree turns from this girl. There will be a greater joy in the goals I had and the new goals I will make. There will be more love in my home and more appreciation for things I may have overlooked. I am, in a way, angry that I had to go through this but more than that I am thankful for this trial because it has shown me so much about who I can be.
So that is my story. And this blog, despite what I originally thought, will not go away. I will continue to document my growth as a person and hopefully someday as a mother, but that part will have to wait.
Goodbye, baby. I love you forever and I'm thankful for all you've taught me in six short weeks. I hope to feel you watching over me and your family until we meet again.
Love,
Momma
I think I knew this was coming. I kept telling people that I wasn't sick enough or tired enough to be nine weeks pregnant. They told me maybe I was just lucky. As much as I hoped that would be true, I think deep down I just knew this baby wasn't going to make it. So, finding out we'd lost it wasn't as hard as I think it might have been or might be for other women. I was sad and there was definitely crying and aching from a place I didn't know existed, but overall I felt very at peace with what had taken place. Earlier in this blog I mentioned our friend who lost her baby at seven months. I cannot imagine knowing this child's movements, their face, their name . . . having the nursery almost complete and clothes hanging in the closet. If it was going to happen, this was the time. I felt connected to this baby in a way I cannot put into words but it still was a little surreal to me and I think that made losing it just a little bit easier. I'd so much rather have gone through this than about ten thousand other scenarios that keep going through my head. Peace laced with sadness would be the way I would describe my emotions.
The doctor gave us two options, D&C or wait it out and let the body do what it is made to do. One would be over quickly but expensive. The other would be painful and unpredictable, taking up to two weeks to complete. We went home with the intent of waiting it out but that just didn't sit right with me. I started researching and found that sometimes Cytotec was used to help hurry along the natural miscarriage process. I asked for that option. The doctor stated that Cytotec would make an already painful outlook even more so and that I would absolutely need to take a Percocet with my Cytotec. He also told me that there was no guarantee the medication would work and that I might be in pain for nothing. However, I was already bleeding which usually means that my body was close to doing it's own thing anyway, so I just decided to give it a try.
After filling my prescriptions for the Cytotec and the necessary Percocet, I went home to wait it out. I was told this was going to be extremely painful and everything I read online confirmed that in stronger words. "Worst pain of my life" was used more than once. I have a high pain threshold so I figured I could handle it. My first six hours were basically like menstrual cramps and I thought maybe these people were pansies. Little did I know that I would literally be in the worst pain of my life the six hours after that. There were points, as I was literally sweating from the pain, that I wished I could just die for a few minutes to escape what was going on. Right at about hour ten and a half, when the pain was the worst, the miscarriage seems to have officially taken place. I don't know how painful a natural miscarriage would have been, so I guess I can't officially say that taking the Cytotec was worth it, but I can tell you that I have never been as relieved as the moment I knew the worst was over and there would be no more waiting. My sister was an angel sent from God. She massaged my back and legs and with her recently acquired nursing degree she helped me verify everything that was happening every step of the way. She slept with me and calmed me and even cleaned up after me when it was all I could do to crawl to my bed and cry.
While I needed my sister to be my nurse, I needed my husband to be there to mourn with me and hold me and help me mentally feel better. I'm so indescribably grateful for the amazing man that I married. There are those moments in life where you realize you had no idea how much your spouse loves you and this was one of them. I see my husband through different eyes and I love him more than I ever thought possible through this experience. He is my solid foundation and I think I would have died without him. He doesn't say much and I know he was hurting as well, but he put all that aside to be there for me and I cannot find the words to say thank you to him.
I was so grateful I chose the option that I did and that I was done so quickly. I think it really helped me start moving past the situation and allowed me to work with Matt to decide what was next. Over the next two days there would be more cramping, etc. (I'm just going to leave it at "etc" and spare you the gory details) but nothing like that six hours. I feel I can safely say I'm done and my body is starting to recover. I'm a bit anemic and tired but other than that I'm finally starting to feel like myself again.
In our religion, we believe that any children that are lost, be they embryo, fetus, baby, toddler, child, tween or teenager, will be ours to raise in eternity. Despite my not being as attached as I maybe could or should have been, this gives me comfort. That little beating heart that Matt and I created together is our child. It's ours to love and think of and miss and someday nurture and watch grow into someone amazing. I can't wait to someday meet him or her.
I hope that nothing I say here in any way discounts what other women have been through. This was my experience, my pain, my loss and my journey alone to share with my husband. I am grateful that I have a resilient personality and I'm not huddled in a pile on the floor, but I completely sympathize with someone who might have experience those emotions. I learned a lot this week about who I am and what I am capable of. I know I couldn't do it without the people that God has put in my life to buoy me up. I count myself as a strong person, but time and time again I am shown that none of us are strong enough to get through the pains of life alone and I'm so grateful for the wonderful souls who act as my life boat.
I come away from this with a better knowledge of what I want from life and how to accomplish it. I have a new focus and determination to do things in a better way. Some people are probably expecting a huge change from me, and I'm sorry to disappoint them but that's not the focus I found. There will be no 180 degree turns from this girl. There will be a greater joy in the goals I had and the new goals I will make. There will be more love in my home and more appreciation for things I may have overlooked. I am, in a way, angry that I had to go through this but more than that I am thankful for this trial because it has shown me so much about who I can be.
So that is my story. And this blog, despite what I originally thought, will not go away. I will continue to document my growth as a person and hopefully someday as a mother, but that part will have to wait.
Goodbye, baby. I love you forever and I'm thankful for all you've taught me in six short weeks. I hope to feel you watching over me and your family until we meet again.
Love,
Momma
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