Moments

Most days I'm totally fine.  I'm happy and healthy and doing all the things I want to do. 

Then there's days where I'm just not fine.  Not really days, actually.  Moments.

Two weeks after the miscarriage was the hardest because everyone who was due at the end of January like me started announcing their pregnancies.  It seemed like EVERYONE was pregnant all of a sudden and due the same week I was.  It made me feel really empty.  There were lots of bad moments during that week or two.

I've had a lot of bad moments these last few weeks because now I'd be twenty weeks and we'd know for sure what kind of little peanut we'd be having.  And of course everyone who announced they were pregnant is finding out too.  So I'm sort of assaulted by "It's a Girl!" or "It's got a weiner!" blog and Facebook posts. 

Today someone whose blog I read who struggled with infertility for years, then adopted, THEN found out she was pregnant is now pregnant again and due on my due date.  She found out today she's having a girl and I was so excited for her...and then I was mad and I started crying.

I cannot even imagine what this world of pregnant women is like for women who can't have babies at all.  Right now I often feel like I'm being punched in the face by pregnancy and I know I can at least get pregnant.  I don't think I could take an entire life of this so I really pray this miscarriage was a one time thing.

It took two months for my cycle to start up again.  I was almost convinced I was pregnant again and the day I was going to go get a pregnancy test, the flood gates opened.  (Sorry, had to be said.)  Two months to the day.  It was so bad I had to stay home from work for a day. 

I'm a planner, we all know this.  I've basically "planned" that we have about an eight week window to get pregnant before I put the x-nay on the aby-bay for a few months.  I live in Phoenix, right?  The thought of being hugely pregnant during the hellish summer months is enough to make me want to NEVER be pregnant.  Then I start thinking about if I really want to start that up again right now.  I'm not sure I'm emotionally to the point where I want to do that again.  Plus, this time it's going to be a huge emotional roller coaster because I'll be freaking out every day wondering if I've lost the baby.  I'm not looking forward to that part at all.  If I can even get pregnant. 

Who knows.

Most moments I'm great.  Some moments I'm eh.  This moment I'm mad.  I just sort of want that feeling to go away forever, but I'm starting to realize it never will.  January 28th will forever be the day my first baby was supposed to be born.  That's going to be a day full of hard moments. 

Until then I'm going to try to make great ones.