Today was the day our second baby was due. Thanks to the happy pills and general business of my life right now I'm not as devastated as I thought I might be, but still. Throughout this week I've been struggling a little bit because I know I'm supposed to be having a baby right now...and I'm not.
It's so very strange to me that exactly one year ago we were printing ultrasound pictures to send to our family announcing our first baby. I'm really not even sure how to process that. I was pregnant for the first time a year ago and I've been pregnant twice since. That's a lot of pregnant with no baby. Ugh. So annoying. And frustrating. And whatever other words that mean those things, too.
I don't think I ever thought that I'd get to the second due date and not be pregnant. I naively assumed everything was going to be fine and the first two miscarriages were just flukes. I'm really mad at my body for having whatever it is that's wrong with it be wrong. I've said it before but it's so weird how I spent my life just assuming that when I was ready, I'd get pregnant and have a baby. Boom. No issues, no trauma, just marriage, happiness, pregnancy, baby. Never did I expect to have it go the way it has, but I suppose no one really does.
Luckily, my cycle is back on track so I should be able to see the doctor for the rounds of tests by the end of the month. Matt and I had our blood drawn two weeks ago for the genetic testing that takes a little longer so we should have those answers around the same time we start with the other tests.
Not really much else to say and this blog is seriously the most depressing thing EVER. It needs some anti-depressants. I wonder if they make Celexa for blogs...I should check into that.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Infertility Inferschmility
SO, I had my first appointment with the fertility specialist. I like him. He's a tiny skinny Indian man named Dr. Patel. Ironically all of my current doctors with the exception of my OB/GYN are now named Dr. Patel. I'm guessing it's India's version of Smith? Anyway...
Obviously true infertility isn't our particular problem. We appear to be the polar opposite of infertile and I'd venture to say much MORE than fertile. Boy oh boy can I get myself pregnant. As I handed my ten thousand pages of paperwork to the nice lady at the front desk, I asked if they needed the four or five pages on Matt. She batted her eyelashes, smiled and said in the cutest French accent
"Weeel, eef ou ant to get pregnant, yes we dooo."
"Well, ma'am that does not appear to be our particular problem. I can get pregnant like it's my 9-5 job. I just can't seem to convince those little suckers to stick around long enough to say hello."
Yeah, turns out they didn't need Matt's paperwork so much.
So, the first appointment was really just a consultation. He went through my history in a lot of detail. How many years did I use birth control? Which kinds? How long have I been off of it? Cramps? Regular periods? Heavy? Light? On and on and on.
Then we got to the babies. Did we see a heartbeat every time? How far along was each one? How did I feel during the pregnancies? What procedures did I have after the miscarriages? We discussed the ultrasound that revealed my possible bicornuate uterus, the D&E, all that stuff.
He then took a bunch of time explaining different kinds of miscarriages and how they sort of group them. Before 7 weeks is usually considered a chemical pregnancy but mine was not because we saw a heartbeat - but these are the most common. Before 12 weeks is usually caused by incorrect genetic make-up, but not all the time - and again, very common. After 12 weeks becomes concerning and not nearly as common.
Next we walked through his thoughts on me. He thinks my issue is the uterus shape. In some cases it's fixable, in others, it's not. It depends on whether the septum is part of the actual uterus make-up or if it's tissue inside. It's interesting because my OB thought my uterus shape wasn't the problem and that I maybe had a clotting disorder. Dr. Patel said he has never seen a clotting disorder AND a bicornuate uterus in the same patient. I might be the rarity, but he doesn't think so. Apparently uterus shape is the first thing they look to in cases of multiple miscarriage and we already know that's what I've got going on. I used to think a heart shape was a good thing...not so much.
Finally, he presented the plan. And I like the plan because it covers every possible scenario of what could be wrong. I want to attack this thing like it's cancer. Dr. Patel takes the aggressive approach which the intense side of me LOVES.
The first thing to do is genetic testing. Matt and I are going to a lab tomorrow morning for what I assume will be either a q-tip DNA swab or a blood draw and they will do all the chromosomal, DNA, genetic testy thingies (technical term) they do. This takes about three weeks.
Next, after two menstrual cycles we go through the next list. So far I'm right on schedule so this should take place mid-June. We start with inserting dye into my uterus and doing an intense ultrasound so we can get a really clear picture of the shape and possible issues. During that same appointment he'll do a complete set of blood work to determine if I have a clotting disorder, some sort of baby attacking lupus or any hormonal imbalances which might play a part. I'll also be tested for thyroid disorders which can cause early aging of my eggs. Finally, he's putting Matt and I on a heavy 10 day dose of antibiotics to kill any possible infections we might have lingering that could harm a growing fetus. We should have some sort of answer and possible next steps within about a week after all these tests are complete.
Are you lost yet? Me too. Basically it goes like this
Test
Test
Test
Test
Test some more
Look at results
Test
If, in the end they can't find anything wrong, they'll send me for a second opinion and I'll start all over.
I've told Matt to stay far away from me until we get some answers because if I get pregnant again before we get some answers, he'll have some 'splaining to do. Because it is naturally all his fault.
Obviously true infertility isn't our particular problem. We appear to be the polar opposite of infertile and I'd venture to say much MORE than fertile. Boy oh boy can I get myself pregnant. As I handed my ten thousand pages of paperwork to the nice lady at the front desk, I asked if they needed the four or five pages on Matt. She batted her eyelashes, smiled and said in the cutest French accent
"Weeel, eef ou ant to get pregnant, yes we dooo."
"Well, ma'am that does not appear to be our particular problem. I can get pregnant like it's my 9-5 job. I just can't seem to convince those little suckers to stick around long enough to say hello."
Yeah, turns out they didn't need Matt's paperwork so much.
So, the first appointment was really just a consultation. He went through my history in a lot of detail. How many years did I use birth control? Which kinds? How long have I been off of it? Cramps? Regular periods? Heavy? Light? On and on and on.
Then we got to the babies. Did we see a heartbeat every time? How far along was each one? How did I feel during the pregnancies? What procedures did I have after the miscarriages? We discussed the ultrasound that revealed my possible bicornuate uterus, the D&E, all that stuff.
He then took a bunch of time explaining different kinds of miscarriages and how they sort of group them. Before 7 weeks is usually considered a chemical pregnancy but mine was not because we saw a heartbeat - but these are the most common. Before 12 weeks is usually caused by incorrect genetic make-up, but not all the time - and again, very common. After 12 weeks becomes concerning and not nearly as common.
Next we walked through his thoughts on me. He thinks my issue is the uterus shape. In some cases it's fixable, in others, it's not. It depends on whether the septum is part of the actual uterus make-up or if it's tissue inside. It's interesting because my OB thought my uterus shape wasn't the problem and that I maybe had a clotting disorder. Dr. Patel said he has never seen a clotting disorder AND a bicornuate uterus in the same patient. I might be the rarity, but he doesn't think so. Apparently uterus shape is the first thing they look to in cases of multiple miscarriage and we already know that's what I've got going on. I used to think a heart shape was a good thing...not so much.
Finally, he presented the plan. And I like the plan because it covers every possible scenario of what could be wrong. I want to attack this thing like it's cancer. Dr. Patel takes the aggressive approach which the intense side of me LOVES.
The first thing to do is genetic testing. Matt and I are going to a lab tomorrow morning for what I assume will be either a q-tip DNA swab or a blood draw and they will do all the chromosomal, DNA, genetic testy thingies (technical term) they do. This takes about three weeks.
Next, after two menstrual cycles we go through the next list. So far I'm right on schedule so this should take place mid-June. We start with inserting dye into my uterus and doing an intense ultrasound so we can get a really clear picture of the shape and possible issues. During that same appointment he'll do a complete set of blood work to determine if I have a clotting disorder, some sort of baby attacking lupus or any hormonal imbalances which might play a part. I'll also be tested for thyroid disorders which can cause early aging of my eggs. Finally, he's putting Matt and I on a heavy 10 day dose of antibiotics to kill any possible infections we might have lingering that could harm a growing fetus. We should have some sort of answer and possible next steps within about a week after all these tests are complete.
Are you lost yet? Me too. Basically it goes like this
Test
Test
Test
Test
Test some more
Look at results
Test
If, in the end they can't find anything wrong, they'll send me for a second opinion and I'll start all over.
I've told Matt to stay far away from me until we get some answers because if I get pregnant again before we get some answers, he'll have some 'splaining to do. Because it is naturally all his fault.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
The Ugly Details
Well, fail three. I had been writing about this baby again like the other ones but I don't think I can bear to publish those stories right now. I wrote a lot about how I'm feeling on the main blog so I'm going to let that be what it is and I'm going to talk through logistics over here. I don't know that anyone really reads this or if it even matters but now that I've been through three completely different kinds of miscarriage processes I think I need to explain what I went through this time. I'm going no holds barred here so if you don't want gory details, my advice is to click away now.
My options this time were different because the baby was 13 weeks old when it stopped growing. That's too big for a D&C and not super safe for an at home miscarriage. The doctor said that he could either admit me to the hospital and induce labor and I'd essentially have to deliver the baby or he could recommend me to a clinic that does a procedure called a D&E which is similar to a D&C but requires more dilation of the cervix and the extraction of the fetus is done with a vacuum. It's what we've all heard described when we hear about second trimester abortions. The fetus is softened and broken up into pieces to allow it to come out and be disposed of. And in Arizona, the only places we could find that did this procedure were abortion clinics...kindly called family planning clinics. There was one doctor's office that does it too but the red tape to get a referral over there would have taken weeks and they do very few procedures and my doctor felt that the chances of complications were much lower somewhere that performed the procedure often. It sounds like this is only an option for about ten weeks, between weeks 12 and 22 and it's pretty rare to have fetal demise during this period of time in a pregnancy which is why most OB/GYN's don't do a lot of them, if any at all. D&Cs are much more common due to the frequency of a first trimester miscarriage. So, I hated my options but they were what they were.
After hours of crying and mental trauma, we decided to go with the D&E. It was a difficult decision for me because on one hand, the thought of having to deliver my dead baby made me want to throw up. On the other hand, I am Pro Life and having to step foot in an abortion clinic and then handing them $550 also made me want to throw up. As a small aside, I DO NOT like to talk politics or on my blog and I have no desire to have an argument with someone who may feel differently than I do about the topic of abortion. I needed to bring up my personal feelings because they relate to the experience I had but if you disagree with me, please understand that I get that there are many who do and I respectfully disagree. I have educated myself on the topic and at some point when I'm mentally doing better if someone wants to discuss why I feel the way I do, I may be willing to go down that path. Right now is not the time and if I get any emails, they will be ignored. Aside over. We ended up choosing to go with the D&E because of the mental ramifications of delivery in the hospital. I just didn't think I could handle that if there was another option. The D&E was going to be quick and the sedation they use has you awake during the procedure but you are not supposed to remember anything. I liked the idea of having less chance of side effects and I liked the idea of being done with this quickly.
Friday morning we had to stop at the doctor's office and get a Rhogam shot. My blood type is 0- so I have to get this shot every time I miscarry or eventually, when I give birth to prevent my blood from mixing with the babies which might be positive. After that we headed straight to the clinic.
There was a line outside of the office before they opened at 8 am. There was another couple that looked as though they were in our same boat. She was very obviously devastated and had NO desire to be there. With everyone else it was hard to tell for sure, but most looked like they were there for abortions. Heaven help me, I tried not to judge. I tried so hard not to hate these women who were willingly giving up what I wanted so badly but had been denied three times. Sitting in the lobby of the office was hard but I was treated with nothing but kindness and respect by the staff. They had my chart from my doctor and they knew of my situation. I was consoled and lovingly touched and told multiple times how sorry they were for my loss and for my previous losses. I have no complaints about the way that I was treated in the office despite my personal disagreement with their practice.
I was given an ultrasound to determine the size of the fetus as well as the size and placement of the placenta. Sometimes the D&E is a two step procedure where they place dilators in the cervix and then send you home to allow it to open overnight then perform the extraction the next day. In my case, luckily the baby and placenta were small enough that they were able to do the procedure that day. Arizona law does require a 24 hour waiting period for an abortion after consulting with the clinic, but since fetal demise was confirmed, I was outside of these requirements and the waiting period was waived.
After a small wait I was taken back into the procedure room. Matt wasn't allowed to come with me which I'm sure is related to the goriness of the procedure. My one complaint about the clinic is that I was left alone in the room for about five minutes. Granted, it was so I could get undressed from the waist down but being alone in the room with the baby vacuum (NO idea what the technical name is, sorry) sitting right next to me, in a place where women willingly give up their babies every day was almost more than I could bear. Luckily the nurse came in quickly to sedate me so I wasn't alone for long. I was given an IV and then the doctor came in and administered the Twilight Sedation which causes you to be awake and able to follow simple commands during the procedure but causes you to forget everything. The last thing I remember is scooting down the table and putting my legs in VERY cold stirrups. Well, there's about thirty seconds in the middle that I remember some slight discomfort and a loud noise but then the next thing I knew I was walking out the door in a lovely pair of mesh undies.
I was taken to a recovery room that had several lawn chair type beds and two couches. I think I remember four other women in there and I remember the nurses saying that two of us were fetal demise which means the other two weren't. I remember the nurse steering me toward a lawn chair and somehow I convinced my brain the couch was better so I plopped myself down there. Then I started cramping horribly and then I remember that I was FREEZING. I swear I've never been colder in my whole life. The cramping made me feel like I had to go to the bathroom RIGHT THAT SECOND but they wouldn't let me. Then I told them I was in a ton of pain from the cramping so they gave me an 800 mg Ibuprofin and finally someone thought to give me an extra blanket. I remember moaning and my teeth chattering. The poor girl next to me probably thought I was dying or something. I'm told that the freezing is a common reaction to sedation so that's probably why I was so friggin' cold.
By the time I came to and little bit and stopped shivering, everyone else in the room was gone. They led me to the bathroom to check on my bleeding and told me I needed about fifteen more minutes. I was given some water and then the doctor came to check on me and say good-bye. He explained that the cramping I'd experienced was from a drug they'd given me to help expel the contents of my uterus. I flashed back to miscarriage #1 and the cytotec and realized the cramping and inability to move from the pain had been familiar. I told him about this and he said that he had in fact given me four cytotec tablets rectally (UM, something I wish they'd told me they were going to do beforehand!) which explained the need to go to the bathroom, and then they put a diaper on me (wish I was joking. They were fresh out of mesh underwear) and sent me out into the hall where Matt was waiting.
Within about thirty seconds I was sobbing uncontrollably. I had held it together very well until that second but the weight of where I'd just been and what had just happened was more than I could bear. I will, unfortunately, have flashes of the ultrasound of my dead baby, the machine that would suck it out of me and the reality of what happens in that office every day that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I cried all the way home and since then I've been ok for the most part. I opened a drawer where the copy of the ten week ultrasound pictures were and had a total melt down. The moments when I'm alone in the shower or right before I fall asleep I always shed some tears. I think when the hormones start crashing soon I'll have some harder times. I'm planning on asking for a mild anti-depressant due to the postpartum I know I suffered last time. I want to prevent it if at all possible.
The physical recovery has been a breeze. They gave me vicoden but I haven't even needed half a pill or even an ibuprofin. I have been tired but not excessively so. There's been some minor cramping and I've been bleeding but it's nothing huge and more like a monthly cycle.
Despite some of the mental trauma involved this time, I can say that I wish I would have gone with a D&C the last two times. The hours of cramping and excessive bleeding from the other two were much harder than this. The second one took two weeks and that was especially hard. This took a few hours and some rest. Definitely a better choice, at least for me.
So there you go. All the yucky details for any of you who wanted them. Hopefully this will be of some help to someone and maybe purging some of this from my brain will help me a little, too.
I am now going to use this blog to chronicle the process of the infertility testing, just in case that helps anyone. Hopefully it's a somewhat simple fix and not anything permanently wrong. I guess we'll see.
My options this time were different because the baby was 13 weeks old when it stopped growing. That's too big for a D&C and not super safe for an at home miscarriage. The doctor said that he could either admit me to the hospital and induce labor and I'd essentially have to deliver the baby or he could recommend me to a clinic that does a procedure called a D&E which is similar to a D&C but requires more dilation of the cervix and the extraction of the fetus is done with a vacuum. It's what we've all heard described when we hear about second trimester abortions. The fetus is softened and broken up into pieces to allow it to come out and be disposed of. And in Arizona, the only places we could find that did this procedure were abortion clinics...kindly called family planning clinics. There was one doctor's office that does it too but the red tape to get a referral over there would have taken weeks and they do very few procedures and my doctor felt that the chances of complications were much lower somewhere that performed the procedure often. It sounds like this is only an option for about ten weeks, between weeks 12 and 22 and it's pretty rare to have fetal demise during this period of time in a pregnancy which is why most OB/GYN's don't do a lot of them, if any at all. D&Cs are much more common due to the frequency of a first trimester miscarriage. So, I hated my options but they were what they were.
After hours of crying and mental trauma, we decided to go with the D&E. It was a difficult decision for me because on one hand, the thought of having to deliver my dead baby made me want to throw up. On the other hand, I am Pro Life and having to step foot in an abortion clinic and then handing them $550 also made me want to throw up. As a small aside, I DO NOT like to talk politics or on my blog and I have no desire to have an argument with someone who may feel differently than I do about the topic of abortion. I needed to bring up my personal feelings because they relate to the experience I had but if you disagree with me, please understand that I get that there are many who do and I respectfully disagree. I have educated myself on the topic and at some point when I'm mentally doing better if someone wants to discuss why I feel the way I do, I may be willing to go down that path. Right now is not the time and if I get any emails, they will be ignored. Aside over. We ended up choosing to go with the D&E because of the mental ramifications of delivery in the hospital. I just didn't think I could handle that if there was another option. The D&E was going to be quick and the sedation they use has you awake during the procedure but you are not supposed to remember anything. I liked the idea of having less chance of side effects and I liked the idea of being done with this quickly.
Friday morning we had to stop at the doctor's office and get a Rhogam shot. My blood type is 0- so I have to get this shot every time I miscarry or eventually, when I give birth to prevent my blood from mixing with the babies which might be positive. After that we headed straight to the clinic.
There was a line outside of the office before they opened at 8 am. There was another couple that looked as though they were in our same boat. She was very obviously devastated and had NO desire to be there. With everyone else it was hard to tell for sure, but most looked like they were there for abortions. Heaven help me, I tried not to judge. I tried so hard not to hate these women who were willingly giving up what I wanted so badly but had been denied three times. Sitting in the lobby of the office was hard but I was treated with nothing but kindness and respect by the staff. They had my chart from my doctor and they knew of my situation. I was consoled and lovingly touched and told multiple times how sorry they were for my loss and for my previous losses. I have no complaints about the way that I was treated in the office despite my personal disagreement with their practice.
I was given an ultrasound to determine the size of the fetus as well as the size and placement of the placenta. Sometimes the D&E is a two step procedure where they place dilators in the cervix and then send you home to allow it to open overnight then perform the extraction the next day. In my case, luckily the baby and placenta were small enough that they were able to do the procedure that day. Arizona law does require a 24 hour waiting period for an abortion after consulting with the clinic, but since fetal demise was confirmed, I was outside of these requirements and the waiting period was waived.
After a small wait I was taken back into the procedure room. Matt wasn't allowed to come with me which I'm sure is related to the goriness of the procedure. My one complaint about the clinic is that I was left alone in the room for about five minutes. Granted, it was so I could get undressed from the waist down but being alone in the room with the baby vacuum (NO idea what the technical name is, sorry) sitting right next to me, in a place where women willingly give up their babies every day was almost more than I could bear. Luckily the nurse came in quickly to sedate me so I wasn't alone for long. I was given an IV and then the doctor came in and administered the Twilight Sedation which causes you to be awake and able to follow simple commands during the procedure but causes you to forget everything. The last thing I remember is scooting down the table and putting my legs in VERY cold stirrups. Well, there's about thirty seconds in the middle that I remember some slight discomfort and a loud noise but then the next thing I knew I was walking out the door in a lovely pair of mesh undies.
I was taken to a recovery room that had several lawn chair type beds and two couches. I think I remember four other women in there and I remember the nurses saying that two of us were fetal demise which means the other two weren't. I remember the nurse steering me toward a lawn chair and somehow I convinced my brain the couch was better so I plopped myself down there. Then I started cramping horribly and then I remember that I was FREEZING. I swear I've never been colder in my whole life. The cramping made me feel like I had to go to the bathroom RIGHT THAT SECOND but they wouldn't let me. Then I told them I was in a ton of pain from the cramping so they gave me an 800 mg Ibuprofin and finally someone thought to give me an extra blanket. I remember moaning and my teeth chattering. The poor girl next to me probably thought I was dying or something. I'm told that the freezing is a common reaction to sedation so that's probably why I was so friggin' cold.
By the time I came to and little bit and stopped shivering, everyone else in the room was gone. They led me to the bathroom to check on my bleeding and told me I needed about fifteen more minutes. I was given some water and then the doctor came to check on me and say good-bye. He explained that the cramping I'd experienced was from a drug they'd given me to help expel the contents of my uterus. I flashed back to miscarriage #1 and the cytotec and realized the cramping and inability to move from the pain had been familiar. I told him about this and he said that he had in fact given me four cytotec tablets rectally (UM, something I wish they'd told me they were going to do beforehand!) which explained the need to go to the bathroom, and then they put a diaper on me (wish I was joking. They were fresh out of mesh underwear) and sent me out into the hall where Matt was waiting.
Within about thirty seconds I was sobbing uncontrollably. I had held it together very well until that second but the weight of where I'd just been and what had just happened was more than I could bear. I will, unfortunately, have flashes of the ultrasound of my dead baby, the machine that would suck it out of me and the reality of what happens in that office every day that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I cried all the way home and since then I've been ok for the most part. I opened a drawer where the copy of the ten week ultrasound pictures were and had a total melt down. The moments when I'm alone in the shower or right before I fall asleep I always shed some tears. I think when the hormones start crashing soon I'll have some harder times. I'm planning on asking for a mild anti-depressant due to the postpartum I know I suffered last time. I want to prevent it if at all possible.
The physical recovery has been a breeze. They gave me vicoden but I haven't even needed half a pill or even an ibuprofin. I have been tired but not excessively so. There's been some minor cramping and I've been bleeding but it's nothing huge and more like a monthly cycle.
Despite some of the mental trauma involved this time, I can say that I wish I would have gone with a D&C the last two times. The hours of cramping and excessive bleeding from the other two were much harder than this. The second one took two weeks and that was especially hard. This took a few hours and some rest. Definitely a better choice, at least for me.
So there you go. All the yucky details for any of you who wanted them. Hopefully this will be of some help to someone and maybe purging some of this from my brain will help me a little, too.
I am now going to use this blog to chronicle the process of the infertility testing, just in case that helps anyone. Hopefully it's a somewhat simple fix and not anything permanently wrong. I guess we'll see.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Hard Things
Wow. This has been hard. I wrote last time that I thought the second miscarriage was going to be easier than the first. Boy oh boy was I wrong. This? Is kicking my butt.
I am so angry I'm not even sure what to do with myself. I'll think I'm totally fine and then someone will ask me how I'm doing and I'll be reduced to a teary mess. I hear about someone being pregnant and I cry as I congratulate them. I really am happy for them I just can't seem to get rid of the pit in my stomach and the pain in my heart which are both screaming about how absolutely unfair it is. It's the time of year when we get Christmas cards out the wazoo and everyone is smiling and happy with their babies and right now I can't even bring myself to try to find a picture of us for some free cards I got because I feel like there's something missing from our card. The moments of anger come on suddenly and unexpectedly and feel like a giant slap in the face.
I should be less than four weeks from full term. I should know my baby's gender and name. I should have a fully decorated nursery with a closet full of soft baby clothes and adorable tiny shoes. I should have a stroller and a car seat ready to go and I should have a baby foot stuck in my ribs at all times and a baby head making me have to pee every five seconds.
OR
I should be past the scary 12 week point. I should just be starting to show. My next appointment would show us the sex of our second baby. I should be feeling pregnant and maybe even glowing a little bit.
Instead I'm just empty.
I have so many people that love me and are worried about me. I'm very lucky that even though I feel empty, I have never felt alone. I struggle to find things to be grateful for during a time when I'm so overshadowed by hurt, emptiness and anger but I am so very grateful for that. There have been the few required idiots who say or do the worst possible thing for that moment. One in particular left a mark that may take a while to heal but I'm working on getting over it. Overall my support system could not have been any better but I need to find a way to heal myself fast because I don't really like the person I am right now.
Work is hard lately and I'm so easily agitated that I'm starting to hate my job. I'm supposed to be done in three weeks. Instead I'm looking toward at least nine more months of working when I just don't want to.
I realize some of this is post-partum depression. I was warned that sometimes it's really bad after a miscarriage because the hormone drop is SO significant and you have none of the happiness endorphines to make up any of the difference. And truly it's not as awful as I've heard the post-partum can be. I can laugh, I can play, I can work, sleep and get out of bed and all that normal stuff. I just feel...off. And I hate it. I'm so used to being so resiliant that things don't even bother me for five minutes before I've moved poast them and gone on to the next bigger, better thing. I'm just having trouble finding what that is lately.
I had asked God quietly one day for a baby for my 30th birthday. I was two days late for my period on the morning of my party and I thought maybe I got my wish. The next morning proved that I hadn't. I was so disappointed. It's like I ripped the scab off a little early. The edges are mostly healed but the center is still raw and bleeding. In a way it's good. The doctor told me to wait two cycles before trying again. I'm sure God is forcing that on me to let my body heal some more but the illogical part of me doesn't care about things like healing or health.
I feel like such a whiney, complaining baby lately. I'm hoping that writing helps me get some of this out. I'm hoping that soon I can feel better and understand the master plan in all of this. I know there is one, I just wish I understood it. I'm working on trusting God more and letting go of the things that I want. It's hard but I'm trying. I'm hoping I get a little credit for that and somewhere in all of this I can find some peace.
I am so angry I'm not even sure what to do with myself. I'll think I'm totally fine and then someone will ask me how I'm doing and I'll be reduced to a teary mess. I hear about someone being pregnant and I cry as I congratulate them. I really am happy for them I just can't seem to get rid of the pit in my stomach and the pain in my heart which are both screaming about how absolutely unfair it is. It's the time of year when we get Christmas cards out the wazoo and everyone is smiling and happy with their babies and right now I can't even bring myself to try to find a picture of us for some free cards I got because I feel like there's something missing from our card. The moments of anger come on suddenly and unexpectedly and feel like a giant slap in the face.
I should be less than four weeks from full term. I should know my baby's gender and name. I should have a fully decorated nursery with a closet full of soft baby clothes and adorable tiny shoes. I should have a stroller and a car seat ready to go and I should have a baby foot stuck in my ribs at all times and a baby head making me have to pee every five seconds.
OR
I should be past the scary 12 week point. I should just be starting to show. My next appointment would show us the sex of our second baby. I should be feeling pregnant and maybe even glowing a little bit.
Instead I'm just empty.
I have so many people that love me and are worried about me. I'm very lucky that even though I feel empty, I have never felt alone. I struggle to find things to be grateful for during a time when I'm so overshadowed by hurt, emptiness and anger but I am so very grateful for that. There have been the few required idiots who say or do the worst possible thing for that moment. One in particular left a mark that may take a while to heal but I'm working on getting over it. Overall my support system could not have been any better but I need to find a way to heal myself fast because I don't really like the person I am right now.
Work is hard lately and I'm so easily agitated that I'm starting to hate my job. I'm supposed to be done in three weeks. Instead I'm looking toward at least nine more months of working when I just don't want to.
I realize some of this is post-partum depression. I was warned that sometimes it's really bad after a miscarriage because the hormone drop is SO significant and you have none of the happiness endorphines to make up any of the difference. And truly it's not as awful as I've heard the post-partum can be. I can laugh, I can play, I can work, sleep and get out of bed and all that normal stuff. I just feel...off. And I hate it. I'm so used to being so resiliant that things don't even bother me for five minutes before I've moved poast them and gone on to the next bigger, better thing. I'm just having trouble finding what that is lately.
I had asked God quietly one day for a baby for my 30th birthday. I was two days late for my period on the morning of my party and I thought maybe I got my wish. The next morning proved that I hadn't. I was so disappointed. It's like I ripped the scab off a little early. The edges are mostly healed but the center is still raw and bleeding. In a way it's good. The doctor told me to wait two cycles before trying again. I'm sure God is forcing that on me to let my body heal some more but the illogical part of me doesn't care about things like healing or health.
I feel like such a whiney, complaining baby lately. I'm hoping that writing helps me get some of this out. I'm hoping that soon I can feel better and understand the master plan in all of this. I know there is one, I just wish I understood it. I'm working on trusting God more and letting go of the things that I want. It's hard but I'm trying. I'm hoping I get a little credit for that and somewhere in all of this I can find some peace.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Well That's Not a Funny Joke
There's going to be a lot of pregnancy and biology talk that might make you uncomfortable in here. If you're squeamish, do yourself a favor and run away now.
Ahem.
So...as you know we saw a baby and a heartbeat on Wednesday. Less than 48 hours later I started bleeding pretty good and Friday night I'd passed a few clots. I called the DR and they said "nothing we can do just wait it out."
Guess who's not patient?
Went to the ER Saturday morning and the following is a summary of things that were wrong/confusing:
HCG up to 30,000 but was at 15,000 last Friday. Should have quadrupled but only doubled. However my last set of tests didn't rise like they were supposed to either...I went from 5,000 to 10,000 in two days. This is confusing.
My white blood cell count is equal to that of a chemo patient. Other issues with my blood include low platelets and other issues with low red blood cell count overall. This is confusing and not at all normal for a pregnant woman. Or any woman for that matter.
Had a pelvic exam which basically showed that my cervix is closed. This is a sign that things are fine and I'm not miscarrying. But still bleeding profusely.
Had an ultrasound (which for some reason required a catheter? OUCH!) and found the following (but "they didn't get a great look so they're not really positive"):
Heart shaped or biocornuate uterus which means I might have two "horns" at the top of my baby maker. But they're not sure. The baby is in the left side with "possible" enlarged yolk sac (which is apparently a sign of miscarriage but I have no idea why and they didn't bother to explain), no visible heartbeat and no doppler heart-beat sounds, "possible" large complex subchorionic hemotoma (blood clot between the placenta and gestational sac wall) and "possible" abnormally shaped gestational sac. None of these things are good. The baby was still there but there are lots of "possible" or what I called likely problems.
In the right side of my possibly mishapen uterus you'll find a 5.86x2.84 cm hemorrhagic blood clot type thing. No idea how that got there or why it's there.
To sum it up I MIGHT have a weird uterus with suspected fetal demise and huge hematoma bleeding out my whoo-ha and more blood randomly coming from the side where there isn't a baby. I also still have a massive ovarian cyst that could rupture painfully at any time.
After the four hours of tests diagnosed me with "threatened miscarriage" and said he was not optimistic thEN the educational paperwork they gave me? Says exactly the following:
"Bleeding within the first 20 weeks of pregnancy is called a threatened miscarriage. It may mean you have an increased chance of having a miscarriage. However, MOST women who have vaginal bleeding or spotting during early pregnancy go on to have healthy babies."
What the HELL!?!?!
So now they want more blood work, more ultrasounds, more fun! Oh and more money because I'm pretty sure this trip to the ER used up my health fund so now the $3000 deductible fun begins.
Oh and after almost a full day of no bleeding after the hospital, it's started up again in a bad, bad way. By Sunday I'd pretty much resigned myself to the knowledge that we've lost this baby too. Monday this was confirmed when the Dr. did another ultrasound and my entire uterus was filled with blood clots. My placenta had basically pulled away from the uterus wall due to a clot underneath it and drowned the baby in blood.
I think I'm doing better than last time because I wasn't optimistic from the beginning. I'm a little mad that the houdini baby made an appearance on Wednesday just to kick the bucket the next day (or possibly even THAT day.) I was more ready for this on Wednesday than I was this weekend. I'm frustrated with my body and I can officially say that all the fun of getting pregnant and being excited to have a baby has been ripped away from me and that is what I think makes me the most mad. This is supposed to be a wonderful, magical time where I buy baby clothes and pick out names and get excited about my changing body. Now I'm just pissed at everyone who has or has had a baby and I'm angry at my body and I'm a little confused with the whole plan here. How's that for having a positive attitude?
Oh, and just to add to the fun, my cervix still refuses to open so I basically have a giant blood clot for a uterus and the draining equipment isn't working. My belly is sticking out so far it looks like I'm four months pregnant. I don't want to do a D&C because I'd rather use the $3000 deductible it's going to cost me for that trip to Europe I promised myself, so I just have to sort of sit and wait for SOMETHING to happen. It's less than awesome.
I guess the upside is that now I get my trip to Europe. I'd rather have a baby in June but I guess that will work too.
I'm taking the team off the field for now. I can't do this again anytime soon. I might be forty by the time I decide to give this another go. Probably not, but it sounds good right now so don't rule it out.
Ahem.
So...as you know we saw a baby and a heartbeat on Wednesday. Less than 48 hours later I started bleeding pretty good and Friday night I'd passed a few clots. I called the DR and they said "nothing we can do just wait it out."
Guess who's not patient?
Went to the ER Saturday morning and the following is a summary of things that were wrong/confusing:
HCG up to 30,000 but was at 15,000 last Friday. Should have quadrupled but only doubled. However my last set of tests didn't rise like they were supposed to either...I went from 5,000 to 10,000 in two days. This is confusing.
My white blood cell count is equal to that of a chemo patient. Other issues with my blood include low platelets and other issues with low red blood cell count overall. This is confusing and not at all normal for a pregnant woman. Or any woman for that matter.
Had a pelvic exam which basically showed that my cervix is closed. This is a sign that things are fine and I'm not miscarrying. But still bleeding profusely.
Had an ultrasound (which for some reason required a catheter? OUCH!) and found the following (but "they didn't get a great look so they're not really positive"):
Heart shaped or biocornuate uterus which means I might have two "horns" at the top of my baby maker. But they're not sure. The baby is in the left side with "possible" enlarged yolk sac (which is apparently a sign of miscarriage but I have no idea why and they didn't bother to explain), no visible heartbeat and no doppler heart-beat sounds, "possible" large complex subchorionic hemotoma (blood clot between the placenta and gestational sac wall) and "possible" abnormally shaped gestational sac. None of these things are good. The baby was still there but there are lots of "possible" or what I called likely problems.
In the right side of my possibly mishapen uterus you'll find a 5.86x2.84 cm hemorrhagic blood clot type thing. No idea how that got there or why it's there.
To sum it up I MIGHT have a weird uterus with suspected fetal demise and huge hematoma bleeding out my whoo-ha and more blood randomly coming from the side where there isn't a baby. I also still have a massive ovarian cyst that could rupture painfully at any time.
After the four hours of tests diagnosed me with "threatened miscarriage" and said he was not optimistic thEN the educational paperwork they gave me? Says exactly the following:
"Bleeding within the first 20 weeks of pregnancy is called a threatened miscarriage. It may mean you have an increased chance of having a miscarriage. However, MOST women who have vaginal bleeding or spotting during early pregnancy go on to have healthy babies."
What the HELL!?!?!
So now they want more blood work, more ultrasounds, more fun! Oh and more money because I'm pretty sure this trip to the ER used up my health fund so now the $3000 deductible fun begins.
Oh and after almost a full day of no bleeding after the hospital, it's started up again in a bad, bad way. By Sunday I'd pretty much resigned myself to the knowledge that we've lost this baby too. Monday this was confirmed when the Dr. did another ultrasound and my entire uterus was filled with blood clots. My placenta had basically pulled away from the uterus wall due to a clot underneath it and drowned the baby in blood.
I think I'm doing better than last time because I wasn't optimistic from the beginning. I'm a little mad that the houdini baby made an appearance on Wednesday just to kick the bucket the next day (or possibly even THAT day.) I was more ready for this on Wednesday than I was this weekend. I'm frustrated with my body and I can officially say that all the fun of getting pregnant and being excited to have a baby has been ripped away from me and that is what I think makes me the most mad. This is supposed to be a wonderful, magical time where I buy baby clothes and pick out names and get excited about my changing body. Now I'm just pissed at everyone who has or has had a baby and I'm angry at my body and I'm a little confused with the whole plan here. How's that for having a positive attitude?
Oh, and just to add to the fun, my cervix still refuses to open so I basically have a giant blood clot for a uterus and the draining equipment isn't working. My belly is sticking out so far it looks like I'm four months pregnant. I don't want to do a D&C because I'd rather use the $3000 deductible it's going to cost me for that trip to Europe I promised myself, so I just have to sort of sit and wait for SOMETHING to happen. It's less than awesome.
I guess the upside is that now I get my trip to Europe. I'd rather have a baby in June but I guess that will work too.
I'm taking the team off the field for now. I can't do this again anytime soon. I might be forty by the time I decide to give this another go. Probably not, but it sounds good right now so don't rule it out.
Beating the Odds
As the doctor had me lay down for the ultrasound he said "Now, I'm expecting to see an empty sac which means you had a blighted ovum. Between the missing yolk sac last week and the low hormone rise, things aren't looking great for a pregnancy this time. If we happen to see anything, it will be a big surprise."
Well, SURPRISE!
I'm still processing things right now. We're only six weeks along (not seven like I thought which is why all the rigamaroll in the first place) and I've got six weeks to go before I feel great about this one.
The doctor sort of forgot the part where he gave me an official due date, but if my new calculations are correct, all things point to June 5th.
Hi, June.
Well Isn't That Peachy
So on Wednesday my HCG levels were at 10,000 which is good for 5-6 weeks along which is what we think/thought I am/was. But like I said, we didn't see a baby. So into the lab I skipped on Friday to have my levels tested to see what they were doing.
I guess HCG levels are supposed to double every 48-72 hours.
Mine went up 67% from 10,000 to 15,000.
The doctor said that he's not sure what this means. I could be fine. I could have reached my peak and I'm tapering off now. I could have an eptopic pregnancy (but that's not likely because we saw the sac in the uterus where it belongs). (Also, I'm using the word sac waaaaaaay to much. Yuck.)
You have GOT to be kidding me.
Wednesday I have another ultrasound and we'll measure the (gulp) sac and see what's going on. For now? No answer.
F.
I guess HCG levels are supposed to double every 48-72 hours.
Mine went up 67% from 10,000 to 15,000.
The doctor said that he's not sure what this means. I could be fine. I could have reached my peak and I'm tapering off now. I could have an eptopic pregnancy (but that's not likely because we saw the sac in the uterus where it belongs). (Also, I'm using the word sac waaaaaaay to much. Yuck.)
You have GOT to be kidding me.
Wednesday I have another ultrasound and we'll measure the (gulp) sac and see what's going on. For now? No answer.
F.
Tick Tock Tick Tock
Holy crapoly this is a wild and annoying and EMOTIONAL ride. I've spent a lot of the last five days or so crying then recovering then crying again. It sucks.
I'm waiting for the results of the blood test. They should be in this afternoon but just to make things interesting, I had some spotting this morning. That's how we started the miscarriage last time so I'm less than thrilled and even less optimistic that things are going to work out this time around. So far it hasn't gotten worse...if anything it's lightened up from what it was but I'm still not getting any hopes up. All things considered spotting isn't a good sign right now.
That being said, IF things are going to work out this time around and this is any indication of how this baby's personality? I'm terrified. I'm in for a crazy child, I can tell you that.
If it turns out I'm not pregnant anymore, Matt and I are putting in our backyard and going to Europe in the spring. I don't care how much it costs us. I need something to look forward to.
And so the waiting game continues.
I'm waiting for the results of the blood test. They should be in this afternoon but just to make things interesting, I had some spotting this morning. That's how we started the miscarriage last time so I'm less than thrilled and even less optimistic that things are going to work out this time around. So far it hasn't gotten worse...if anything it's lightened up from what it was but I'm still not getting any hopes up. All things considered spotting isn't a good sign right now.
That being said, IF things are going to work out this time around and this is any indication of how this baby's personality? I'm terrified. I'm in for a crazy child, I can tell you that.
If it turns out I'm not pregnant anymore, Matt and I are putting in our backyard and going to Europe in the spring. I don't care how much it costs us. I need something to look forward to.
And so the waiting game continues.
SERIOUSLY?!
According to "the math" I should be about six weeks pregnant at this point. I've taken two pregnancy tests a week apart to confirm. Both positive. No real morning sickness, absolutely no burning boobies like last time. Paranoia from miscarriage still present. Combine all that together and you have a girl who so badly WANTS to be pregnant but has a feeling she's really not. The non-sore boobs are my dead giveaway.
My OB appointment was this morning. I spent the night praying that everything would be OK but that if it wasn't, I wouldn't freak out. I made Matt say another prayer this morning to help me calm down because I was freaking out. It didn't really work but at least I tried.
We got to the doctor's office and of course they were late opening so we sat in the parking lot for twenty minutes. Blood work, check. Weight...YIKES! I've gained 13 (let me say that again THIRTEEN) pounds since the miscarriage. I almost offed myself right there. We went into the ultrasound room and...
The results were inconclusive. I have a uterine sac but no visible baby or yolk sac. This for sure means I WAS pregnant, but they're not sure I still am. The possibilities are several: A.) I'm not as far along as I think and nothing is visible yet. B.) I was pregnant but the baby didn't make it far enough to implant and my body hasn't caught on yet. C.) I don't know what the hell C is. There's just weird options.
Oh and I have a two to three inch ovarian cyst. AWESOME.
So I go in on Friday for more blood tests to see if my HCG levels are rising. If they are, we're probably good. If they're falling, miscarriage numero dos. If they're stable then something very odd is happening in the land of my uterus.
The cyst is supposedly not a threat and should pop or shrink or whatever on its own. Might be painful, might not be.
So we wait until Friday. I've been on the Google trying to see what people are saying about similar ultrasound results and the general consensus is that I'm probably not as far along as I think I am and things should be fine.
I currently am at war with my uterus but it's winning and I'm super pissed about it. I'm not sure if I can do the miscarriage thing again so I'm just really, really, really hoping that damn baby was hiding in there somewhere. However, I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst.
This blows. Apparently I can't just get pregnant and BE pregnant. I have to go through the circus of mystery (now with a side of cyst!).
My OB appointment was this morning. I spent the night praying that everything would be OK but that if it wasn't, I wouldn't freak out. I made Matt say another prayer this morning to help me calm down because I was freaking out. It didn't really work but at least I tried.
We got to the doctor's office and of course they were late opening so we sat in the parking lot for twenty minutes. Blood work, check. Weight...YIKES! I've gained 13 (let me say that again THIRTEEN) pounds since the miscarriage. I almost offed myself right there. We went into the ultrasound room and...
The results were inconclusive. I have a uterine sac but no visible baby or yolk sac. This for sure means I WAS pregnant, but they're not sure I still am. The possibilities are several: A.) I'm not as far along as I think and nothing is visible yet. B.) I was pregnant but the baby didn't make it far enough to implant and my body hasn't caught on yet. C.) I don't know what the hell C is. There's just weird options.
Oh and I have a two to three inch ovarian cyst. AWESOME.
So I go in on Friday for more blood tests to see if my HCG levels are rising. If they are, we're probably good. If they're falling, miscarriage numero dos. If they're stable then something very odd is happening in the land of my uterus.
The cyst is supposedly not a threat and should pop or shrink or whatever on its own. Might be painful, might not be.
So we wait until Friday. I've been on the Google trying to see what people are saying about similar ultrasound results and the general consensus is that I'm probably not as far along as I think I am and things should be fine.
I currently am at war with my uterus but it's winning and I'm super pissed about it. I'm not sure if I can do the miscarriage thing again so I'm just really, really, really hoping that damn baby was hiding in there somewhere. However, I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst.
This blows. Apparently I can't just get pregnant and BE pregnant. I have to go through the circus of mystery (now with a side of cyst!).
Round Two
I wouldn't exactly say I was trying super hard to get pregnant again...but I wouldn't say I wasn't. I had heard SO many stories of miscarriage, period comes back once BAM pregnant that I think I just KNEW it was going to happen again.
Also? My body really, really, really wanted a baby up in there. My brain was trying to tell my body to calm the hell down but it sort of wasn't listening. The last three months may or may not have been some of Matt's most favorite in our marriage. Just saying.
About two weeks ago my body started to swell. I'm not even joking. One day I was at the same weight I was when I miscarried and then all of a sudden I was five pounds heavier. Then eight pounds. EIGHT POUNDS. I've been working out still...eating like crap, sure, but working out quite a bit (not as much as I was for a while there. I think I needed a break from the two-a-days!). I think I sort of knew what was going on here. Last time that didn't happen but last time I was working out twice a day and last time wasn't exaclty "viable" so I'm not really sure how to compare the two so I just try not to. I was officially "late" as of last Wednesday but I wasn't sure my body had gotten itself back on any sort of pattern so I just let it go. Saturday we went to the lake and went Wakeboarding and Wakesurfing which resulted in a wicked sunburn and muscles I forgot I had screaming in pain. Sunday I absolutely HAD to go get Aloe because MY SKIN WAS GOING TO DIE and while I was there I just happened to pick up a pregnancy test. Or three. Matt was at church and I just decided to go for it. Just like last time, ten seconds later I had a positive. I didn't even take the other two tests.
This time? I was excited. But not jump for joy excited because well, it's hard to be that way after last time. But I said a little thank you prayer and there was much happiness in the land. Until Matt got home and was sort of a downer. I get it. He doesn't like to get excited about things anyway, then you have our situation and so he's cautiously optimistic?
I quit Diet Coke cold turkey again. I miss it already. I'm trying to eat healthier but macaroni and cheese (from a box) just sounded aweseme the other night. Healthy pregnancy diet FAIL. I tried to go to a workout class at 5:15 this morning and I was actually awake for it but my body is still so unbelievably sore from the lake and the sunburn is killing me so I opted out.
We head to the sand dunes with Matt's family for our annual trip this weekend and I'm hoping no weird symptoms pop up and give me away. I don't really want to tell anyone this time until we're sure it's all good. Which will be Thanksgiving Day. I'm pretty thankful so I think it's the perfect day to share.
Also? My body really, really, really wanted a baby up in there. My brain was trying to tell my body to calm the hell down but it sort of wasn't listening. The last three months may or may not have been some of Matt's most favorite in our marriage. Just saying.
About two weeks ago my body started to swell. I'm not even joking. One day I was at the same weight I was when I miscarried and then all of a sudden I was five pounds heavier. Then eight pounds. EIGHT POUNDS. I've been working out still...eating like crap, sure, but working out quite a bit (not as much as I was for a while there. I think I needed a break from the two-a-days!). I think I sort of knew what was going on here. Last time that didn't happen but last time I was working out twice a day and last time wasn't exaclty "viable" so I'm not really sure how to compare the two so I just try not to. I was officially "late" as of last Wednesday but I wasn't sure my body had gotten itself back on any sort of pattern so I just let it go. Saturday we went to the lake and went Wakeboarding and Wakesurfing which resulted in a wicked sunburn and muscles I forgot I had screaming in pain. Sunday I absolutely HAD to go get Aloe because MY SKIN WAS GOING TO DIE and while I was there I just happened to pick up a pregnancy test. Or three. Matt was at church and I just decided to go for it. Just like last time, ten seconds later I had a positive. I didn't even take the other two tests.
This time? I was excited. But not jump for joy excited because well, it's hard to be that way after last time. But I said a little thank you prayer and there was much happiness in the land. Until Matt got home and was sort of a downer. I get it. He doesn't like to get excited about things anyway, then you have our situation and so he's cautiously optimistic?
I quit Diet Coke cold turkey again. I miss it already. I'm trying to eat healthier but macaroni and cheese (from a box) just sounded aweseme the other night. Healthy pregnancy diet FAIL. I tried to go to a workout class at 5:15 this morning and I was actually awake for it but my body is still so unbelievably sore from the lake and the sunburn is killing me so I opted out.
We head to the sand dunes with Matt's family for our annual trip this weekend and I'm hoping no weird symptoms pop up and give me away. I don't really want to tell anyone this time until we're sure it's all good. Which will be Thanksgiving Day. I'm pretty thankful so I think it's the perfect day to share.
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