Today was the day our second baby was due. Thanks to the happy pills and general business of my life right now I'm not as devastated as I thought I might be, but still. Throughout this week I've been struggling a little bit because I know I'm supposed to be having a baby right now...and I'm not.
It's so very strange to me that exactly one year ago we were printing ultrasound pictures to send to our family announcing our first baby. I'm really not even sure how to process that. I was pregnant for the first time a year ago and I've been pregnant twice since. That's a lot of pregnant with no baby. Ugh. So annoying. And frustrating. And whatever other words that mean those things, too.
I don't think I ever thought that I'd get to the second due date and not be pregnant. I naively assumed everything was going to be fine and the first two miscarriages were just flukes. I'm really mad at my body for having whatever it is that's wrong with it be wrong. I've said it before but it's so weird how I spent my life just assuming that when I was ready, I'd get pregnant and have a baby. Boom. No issues, no trauma, just marriage, happiness, pregnancy, baby. Never did I expect to have it go the way it has, but I suppose no one really does.
Luckily, my cycle is back on track so I should be able to see the doctor for the rounds of tests by the end of the month. Matt and I had our blood drawn two weeks ago for the genetic testing that takes a little longer so we should have those answers around the same time we start with the other tests.
Not really much else to say and this blog is seriously the most depressing thing EVER. It needs some anti-depressants. I wonder if they make Celexa for blogs...I should check into that.
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