The Great Unknown

In the morning Matt and I have an appointment with our fertility specialist to learn the fate of our baby making plans.  I'm excited and scared and nervous and scared.  And scared.

I'm a results person.  You tell me what's wrong, I find a way to fix it or get around it.  I've mentioned this before - I usually get my way.  This whole last year has been very confusing for me in that respect.  I'm very afraid that tomorrow it will get even more confusing.  I mean, what if there's NOTHING TO FIX.  Then what do I do?

I've gotten to this weird point where I'm just not sure how to process all of it.  If the answer is that we will probably continue to miscarry but might have a baby or two for every four miscarriages, will I keep trying?  Is it worth doing this again and again?  If we can't have our own kids would I consider adopting?  I feel like the answer to that should be yes!  Of course!  But in my head that doesn't sit right.  Maybe if we can't have kids we can figure out what our path is without them.  Maybe we go forward and find ways to serve and help without the...I don't know what to call it...adventures? of parenthood.  But I feel so very strongly that a life without children isn't meant for us...so I have to figure kids are coming at some point here.

In the LDS faith we are given something called a Patriarchal Blessing which is a sort of promise/plan of how your life can play out if you live according to how we believe the Lord wants us to.  They are all very personal and very cool.  Mine came into play BIG TIME when it came to finding Matt.  There were some words of counsel in there about exactly what kind of man my future husband would be.  None of the guys I'd ever dated before had fit the description of the man who I would spend eternity with - until Matt.  So, I am grateful for my blessing and the way that it has helped me find the right direction so far in my life.  One of the things it talks about is how very blessed I will feel when the Lord allows me to bring children into this world.  Over the years as I've read that sentence it meant that I would be grateful when I had my kids.  Like every parent is grateful.  Duh.  Now, given all that's going on, I read that sentence in a different way.  When I hold my baby in my arms I don't think there will be words to describe how very blessed I will feel that it finally, FINALLY happened.  And yes, I realize that a year is hardly cause for a "finally, FINALLY."  See above where I mention that I usually get my way and add the words "right away."  Patience isn't exactly my strongest quality.

So, off I got to bed in preparation for an early morning with Dr. Patel.  I'm keeping all fingers and toes crossed that we get some sort of answer.  I'll let you know!