I read in a psychology book at some point that sometimes people subconsciously have bad days on the anniversary of traumatic life events. There's a name for it, I'm sure...and it's probably some form of PTSD, but I don't really remember the details other than the fact it exists.
Today I had a weird emotional day. It wasn't a BAD day, it was just sort of...hard? I don't know. Songs got to me more than usual, I squirted a few random frustration tears over things that don't usually make me think twice.
I didn't realize what today was until I was at the gym today and ran into my spin teacher (don't get me started on how long it's been since I sent to spin) and she asked why I all of a sudden dropped off the face of the earth and as I started to explain about the miscarriages, I realized that today it's been exactly one year since we lost our first baby.
I can't really even comprehend that it's been a whole year and all the crazy things that have happened. Some sad, some hard, some great. I was really expecting 2011 to turn things around for me in the baby area but after my appointment with the specialist yesterday (gory details to come) it's becoming more clear that this is going to take a bit longer and best case scenario, we have a baby sometime late next spring. That's if things go perfectly. Which, judging by the experience so far, they won't. And that's OK. I think.
There's a lot of poking, proding and probably surgery in my future. It seems like SO much effort to do something that happens to most people without much thought. It's all so strange. That's really the only way to describe it. I never in a million years imagined that getting my babies here would involve so much work and heartbreak. Isn't that supposed to happen once they arrive? All the worry and fear? Who knows. Maybe all this effort to get them (or it, one might be all I can handle getting here at this point) here will take some of the heartache out of watching them grow and go through hard things. Doubtful, but one can always hope, right?
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I really, really hope that you get your baby next year. I just caught up on the last few posts (I keep thinking I put this blog in my reader, but it never shows up!), and I love the sound of your doctor. I hope you're still liking him and that you're able to take steps soon toward getting that little one in your arms. I can't even imagine the pain you must have gone through over the past year--I hope that once your baby making problem gets figured it, it makes it much easier for you to conceive as many times as you and Matt want. Lots of love to you, and I'll be anxiously awaiting an update (and hopefully it will actually show up in my reader this time!).
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